I Don't Do Casual Curse

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Assalamualaikum...
The perfect gif to describe homework | Blue exorcist rin, Blue ...
Hello, readers! How're you doing today?
It's only a few days left before Ramadan lefts us
and Syawal is just around the corner.

I don't know how to start this post. I've been often doubting myself lately. Especially, my thoughts and decisions. The way I revise them again and again don't make me feel better yet I come to encounter some kind of mental block. Someone might noticed or never, I did published a few posts here yet later I unpublished them. No mention I often deleted and rewrote captions that I made on my socmed. This thing is indeed normal at certain level. But when it is this too often for me, I don't feel it is normal anymore. Anyway, enough with the long introduction @ confession. Let's go straight to the real content.

I don't do casual curse. People said, especially those quotes and memes shared on socmed, when you cursed at your friends casually that means you're very close to not feel hurt with each other easily. So the thing is, I don't do casual curse. So far, I don't remember I called or used bodoh, sengal, or more such words with my best friends. They might used it with each other sometimes but not when they particularly communicated with me directly. Thus, am I not close enough with my best friends?

Maybe it's because I'm the only child, unlike most people around me who might has been growing using such words with their siblings, in their casual communication. Since I have been growing in this very like individual environment, I'm not very often exposed to this behavior. I think I have been growing with self learning of how to entertain myself without someone's presence.

Besides that, it may because of my own chosen society. I have my personal standard of who and what may get through my wall. It may has something to do with mistrustful behavior. However, I think it is more sided to patience and efforts. Also, it has nothing to do with time. Likely, it is based on my how comfortable and familiar I'm with someone. It may be cliche, but the final touch is when my instinct strongly tells me that it is alright to get attach with this person and my heart will just go for it.

Wait. Don't I kind of slip from the track? So in this matter, my kind of chosen society is like "I don't mind if you do casual curse but not with me." It's like a boundary. Your good and bad are yours. It may change or not. But when I have let you into my wall, your very presence is my important subject to learn. I may accept some parts of you and I may not for the rest. Above of all, your current presence is enough for me.

I spent years to let this group of friends entitles as best friends. Yet, I only spent months to get and feel close with my roommate from last year. We do attach to each other until now, even our distance makes each other absent. And she does do casual curse. When I was with her last year, I often heard she cursed over who knew what. However, until now, she doesn't do casual curse with me. I, myself feel comfortable with it and I hope she does too.

Anyway, I'm not too kind either with words or behavior too. I have my flaws and funny sides too. I do curse but not really casual because when I do, I really mean it. I curse when I'm in very bad mood. It also happens when I'm in very bad mood and something makes me jump out of shock. My curse don't have variety at all because I only use this two words, fuck and shit. They only have one sound to pronoun. Simple yet great impact, at least for me lol.

Last paragraph. So does casual curse is the right tool to measure how close you're with your friends? Well, it may be said so. Just like those quotes and memes. But for me, in general, to measure our bond or relationship with someone is counted on how safe and good we feel when we're with that someone. Either you do casual curse with each other or not, you know what is best for your own sake.

My little pious voice tells me, it's better to not curse at all. Such useless words are pointless. Ops!


Until here, I end this post.
Hope you love this sharing.
Thank you for your time and concern.
May you're blessed with good and healthy relationship.
See you in later post! bye bye. xoxo =)





When you cannot prevent the toxic, avoid it as best as you can.






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Mutation

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Free Images : flower, background, barrel cactus plant, cacti ...
Spiny green hedgehog
A small pot of echinocactus
Hate in love is indeed poisonous
Nested sneaky giant snake
To love yet to hate
To move yet too late
Embracing dreadful echinocactus 
Sucking on murderous venom
Monstrous hate in love
To love and hate is too sad
To move yet still feeling bad
Mutating to green hedgehog












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Metaphor

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Download wallpaper 1600x900 osteospermum, flower, bw, blur ...
Gravity under feet
High sky is hanging above
Air fills two breathing packs
Frozen tongue with tangled words
A brain is planting a very quiet jungle
Called it biology, chemistry, or even physics
Still can't make sense this metaphor insanity

Too many, too much, too fast
Called it calculation, prediction, or assumption
Still can't make sense this miserable statistics
A brain is reconnecting to vague logic
Tied tongue with undelivered words
Packed lungs with heavy breaths
Dark sky is the continuous infinity
Gravity is too steep to not fall
















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Cerita Pendek : Malap

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writing shared by wtg0121 on We Heart It

!! AMARAN !! AMARAN !! AMARAN !!
Penulisan ini mengandungi unsur trigger dan suicide thought.
Pembaca disarankan membaca dalam keadaan mental yang baik.
Terutamanya, kepada pesakit mental atau sesiapa sahaja yang
sedang mengalami kecelaruan mental yang serius ketika ini.


Tajuk : Malap

Jenis : Cerita Pendek

Genre : Remaja, Depresi

Penulis : Adrenalin Putra @ Suju Elfarahin


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Langit masih tinggi. Bumi masih berputar. Angin masih berhembus. Nadi masih berdenyut. Namun begitu, buat Mayzara semuanya kelihatan samar. Semuanya tidak membangkitkan sebarang semangat kehidupan tetapi nafas yang mengeluh hambar. Buatnya, langit sudah runtuh dan jatuh. Bumi sudah terumbang-ambing dalam pusaran yang menggaung dalam. Angin sudah membuaskan ribut yang menambahkan lagi ribut perasaannya. Dan nadi yang masih berdenyut seakan menghitung setiap titis toksik yang membunuh dirinya dari dalam.


Mayzara bingung. Tidak tahu apa dan entah kenapa. Seluruh tubuhnya menggigil seakan digigit kedinginan yang melampau sedang peluhnya merecik lencun di setiap liang roma kulitnya. Ketakutan yang merengsa emosinya tidak menang hendak dialahkan. Ditambah pula dengan panik yang mengalir deras merentasi jantung sehingga degupannya seakan menyerupai buasnya roda keretapi melandas. Sungguhpun begitu, Mayzara sedar akan realiti yang kini dikotori ilusi fikirannya yang berkecamuk.


“Diam!!!”


Mayzara meraung nyaring bercampurkan serak. Sepuluh jari mencengkam dalam di antara selirat rambutnya yang kusut. Mayzara bukan mahu mendiamkan sesiapa. Bukan juga sedang marahkan sesiapa. Sebenarnya Mayzara mahu mendiamkan segala apa yang sedang merasuki mindanya. Marahnya pula bukan marah yang biasa-biasa. Marahnya dihimpuni pelbagai rontaan perasaan yang mengamuki jiwa. Melibas setiap titik kewarasan yang berbaki.


Lensa mata Mayzara mula basah. Kolam mata semakin penuh dengan air mata lalu melimpah membasahi wajah seorang wanita yang sedang menderita. Mayzara meraung lagi. Kali ini kedengaran pilu dengan sendu yang sangat menghibakan. Sebaknya membuatkan jiwa membengkak dan memberontak. Tangisan Mayzara beterusan seolah tiada mungkin mahu berhenti. Kelopak mata mula bengkak dan terasa pedih membisa namun air mata masih deras mengalir.


Pelbagai senario dan idea bahaya melintasi fikiran Mayzara yang masih berkecamuk. Setiap satunya terasa sungguh jelas seakan tayangan pita bersuara. Dalam tayangan ini, Mayzara menyaksikan kepalanya dihantuk ke dinding sehingga berdarah, kulit tangan dan kakinya dihiris-hiris oleh bilah pisau yang tajam, lehernya terjerut mati sambil kakinya tergantung di udara, dan banyak lagi tragedi seumpamanya. Setiap satunya saling bersilangan dan berulangan.


Mayzara mula mengetuk kepala dengan dua buku lima. Setiap ketukannya memberikan gempa yang besar sehingga terasa berkoncang isi kepalanya. Mayzara teruskan bertingkah sedemikian sehingga getaran di kepala tidak lagi terasa kerana kebas mula merengsa. Puasnya terasa nyata. Lelahnya tidak terkata. Air mata juga semakin tenang ombaknya. Mayzara terduduk limpa sambil belakangnya tersandar pada dada dinding yang rata dan dingin.


Kenapa dengan Mayzara? Hanya Mayzara seorang yang mungkin mampu menjawab persoalan itu. Mungkin adalah bukan kerana dia berpura tidak tahu. Mungkin adalah kerana Mayzara sendiri ada mungkinnya juga keliru dan ragu-ragu dengan jawapannya sendiri. Keliru adalah kerana fikirannya mungkin dikaburi ilusi dan imaginasi yang bukan rekaannya semata. Semntara keraguannya pula melampaui batas prasangka. Oleh itu, Mayzara mungkin lebih memilih untuk tidak berkata apa-apa.


Langit masih tinggi. Bumi masih berputar. Angin masih berhembus. Nadi masih berdenyut. Inilah ia realiti Mayzara. Wujudnya seorang wanita menjadi perhiasan terindah di dunia. Mayzara ibarat bintang yang menyinari malam, menemani purnama yang mengambang, sambil diamati keindahannya oleh alam. Namun adakalanya sinarannya menjadi malap. Sedang purnama masih mengambang terang sambil ditemani bintang-bintang yang lainnya, siapa saja tahu apatah lagi sedar akan malapnya bintang yang satu ini.


Mayzara ialah bintang. Kewujudannya diakui. Sinarnya dipuji-puji. Tetapi ketidakwujudannya tidak diperhati. Malap sinarnya tidak diterangi. Mayzara ialah bintang. Menemani purnama mengambang namun tetap terasa hilang. Menghiasi langit malam namun dirinya terasa kelam dan tenggelam. Mayzara ialah bintang. Bintang yang asalnya terang. Kini kian malap dan semakin hilang.


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Mungkin ada yang perasan. Mungkin ada yang tak perasan. Farahin ada published posts tapi kemudiannya unpublished semula. Begitulah Farahin akhir-akhir ni. Banyak yang ditulis tapi kemudiannya dipadam. Tulis lagi dan padam lagi. Lagi, lagi, dan lagi. Farahin keliru dan ragu dengan buah fikiran sendiri sampai ada masa anxiety buat Farahin rasa geli-geli. Jadi Farahin gantikan dengan fiksyen pendek ni. Terima kasih sebab baca sampai habis. Komenlah sekali hehe





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Distant

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Pin em Gif
Singing to a sad song
Dry tears on blushing cheeks
Wake up from a dream
Just to miss a distant love
Silhouette by the moonlight
Unforgettable figure
Afraid of fading memories

Singing to a sad song
This heartache is pure cider
Wander in illusion of reality
Stand still in uncertainty
Unanswered assumptions
Messy calculations
Afraid of left alone












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Honey Bunny

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Assalamualaikum...
Steam Community :: Screenshot :: .
Hello, peeps! How're you doing today?
The weather is hot at my place. ugh!
I've been counting days waiting for rain lol.

Today I would like to share about a bunny. No. Not that furball with long ears bunny. This bunny is a human. My favorite person. Honey Bunny is one of nicknames that I give him. Sometimes, I named him Gucci Guy too. But I think I favor Honey Bunny better haha. About this favorite person of mine, if you still don't get the hint, I'll make it straight for you. He is a celebrity. A singer. An actor. A public figure. So obviously this post may turn out as something toxic for some of you. If you think and feel so, I encourage you to stop reading now. Don't take poison just because it is given to you.

Not sure where to begin but I choose to start it with my worst life moment. 2019 was the worst year I had if I don't remember it wrong. Everything in my world crumbled into sharp and dusty pieces that left me in all blank and void. The loneliness was not something to do with space, time, or people. It was something that engulfed and possessed my thin skin to my thick bone, from mind all the way to my soul, that I seemed forgot how to live anymore. Death was my daily mantra, my pursue, my emotion. However, in the middle of this suffocating and killing fog, I saw a glimpse of figure with bright smile and strong personality. And the tale of bunny started.

Like some other human, appearance was what reached the eyes first. He was handsome. Have I mention it? He had bright smile. And this happened only by meeting his eyes while me facing my laptop screen. He played a male lead character in this one drama that I had watched in repeat that time while waiting for the next episode. I still rewatching again and again anyway lol. From just admiring a fiction character, a handsome face with bright smile, I started exploring the internet, looking for him. His name, his previous works, his past, his hobby, his personality, his attitude, any data that I happened to stumble on in this giant network. The good thing was I happened never stumbled on anything bad or controversial about him. Well, it wasn't my purpose too.

Day to day, month to month, even though I still couldn't looked away from crumbles of my life, he made me took some glances at him too. His handsome look. His bright smile. His laugh. I started to grow attach to this known unknown human. Bit by bit, he made me smile and I could feel love was still there, lingered and tingled around and inside my soul. By that time, which actually I don't remember specifically, he had became my favorite person. Just like how I admired Super Junior. People that fake themselves in front of camera, or that was what others said, but that is not how my perspective works. Just like us with multiple identities, so do them. I called it professional and realistic.

Days and months passed. 2019 ended. 2020 begun. I still favor this person. I am no more pay all my attention only to that handsome face of his. I even saved some no make up selfies of him. I enjoyed some silly moments he had himself. I admitted his lack as well as his nature as human. It may sounds pretentious but I don't use term "fan" easily. Not everyone can relate to this term and activity. Besides, I love it more to mention that "this is my favorite person". Favorite is a soft and fluffy word to me. Naive yet adorable. Yes, I love anything that is blessed with fluff lol. I proudly rant and brag around my socmed, that this is my favorite person. My honey bunny.

First time celebrating his birthday. First time celebrating end of year with him. First time starting a new year with him. And then all these good moments were followed with, first time watching him being pull out and push down with insults and slanders from a very huge amount of human. My favorite person, my honey bunny, had been caught in a massive murderous storm. His road was blocked. His sky was tainted. His soul was hurt. The moment I realized this matter, I had flashback of my want-to-forget-yet-unforgettable 2019. No matter he know it or not, this person had made my foggy and grey road a little bit brighter. This star I picked, had made my dim starlight accompanied by his. Now, it is my turn.

The massive storm had grew bigger and greater. It wasn't considered as work of haters anymore. It was violent. Threat. Bully. Even though I wanted to scold and yell to those parasites, I knew it was impossible and won't do any good, most importantly to myself. From reporting and blocking haters silently, I realized this wasn't good for my mental and physical. I am an ill person. I know my limit. This is toxic. Poison. Then, what can I do to help? I love. I enjoyed watching fans sharing his photos and video clips, leaved some kind comments if I felt like too, joined some fun voting poll, spreading the fandom name and support wherever I meant to. Yes, I didn't force myself. Just did it casually like I used to previously. Yet, my heart grew fonder, my love grew stronger.

Experiencing this pandemic moment, of course I won't got any news about him excepted that he secretly donated medical tools for the frontliners and their patients. It was disclosed by the receiver. Later, his country had back to open for daily routine and operation yet there was still no glimpse of him on camera neither from the industry nor fans. But I heard him. We heard him. He released a good song that he wrote it himself. The song was far than depressing but encouraging. Surprisingly, he made a few lines in english. It could be my only fantasy but it felt like he spoke to us, international fans. The song hit on top for music charts even now. However, right now, the storm is still going on but it gets a little calmer and he already started his defense through law.

What instigates me to write this long long long tale about my honey bunny today is what I had saw a few days ago and today. It's him! It's him! He made an appearance on camera! A one-to-one interview with him regarding this big matter. Not through phone or some kind auditory method, not even through real-time video call, but he was there, actually there, holding mic and made his responses calmly. The look in his eyes were all serious. That handsome face wasn't being playful. That bright smile appeared sometimes but it seemed there were sighs to it. This man is hurting. This man is growing himself better. This man is standing by his feet not because of others but himself. I didn't only watched him as celebrity here but also as a victim of cyber bully and violence. He is a human with tainted names and titles  people give him but he is still himself. Have I mention it? He has strong personality. He is soft. Looks kind. Sometimes can be adorably clumsy. Yet he is strong.

Oh! In case you wonder why I don't mention his name, I just mean to make it so. I think people don't really need names to know someone. Name makes us remember someone easily. But does it helps us to understand someone easily? For me, no. Even I, myself had limited access of understanding him. I judge what I feel like to judge. I love what I feel like to love. I write what I feel like to write. Above of all, I'm sharing thoughts and loves in my own way. People may resist and insist. So do I.

Final sharing. Being fan is not some kind of cliche high school drama with prince-like main male/female lead character. It is real so be real. Have your life. Keep your personality. Your love won't change the true nature of your idol as human being. You may learn from them but don't expect them to teach you. You may look up to them but don't expect them to fulfill your needs. Avoid from fighting or hurting anyone. Support and embrace each other often. We're all made to love.

Until here, ohmaigod !!!! did you really get it done !?!!
Thank you for your time and concern.
Thank you for reading it this far.
Cannot repay or ask more sobs sobs.
May you and your loved ones continue loving each other.
See you in the later post. Bye bye. xoxo =)





We are all stars that brighten each other starlight a little better for the better.





 

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Segmen Bloglist PKP 2020

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Assalamualaikum...

Orait! Nak join segmen ni since dah lama tak join apa-apa segmen kan.
Plus, tajuk segmen ni sensasi betul hehe. Syarat pun ringkas je. Okey. Jom start!

Pengalaman Farahin Semasa PKP


1. Klinik Psikiatri Tutup
18/3 - Farahin ada appointment dengan doktor. Pagi tu kalut sangat. Bangun lambat. Dah nak gerak pergi hospital, helmet pula lupa pakai. Sampai hospital, straight terus pergi klinik psikiatri macam biasa. Tiba-tiba keadaan macam kalut semacam. "Maaf, encik. Hari ni klinik tutup." \"Hari ni klinik tutup. Hospital perlu dikosongkan." \"Kita ada kes. Klinik tutup hari ni." Ya. Pagi tu Hospital Kluang ada kes Covid-19. Appointment pagi tu ringkas saja. Jumpa doktor, doktor beri preskripsi ubat, pergi ambil ubat di farmasi. Tak sempat nak sembang macam sebelumnya. Farmasi pun operasi cepat macam kilat. Setengah jam menunggu, ubat dapat, straight terus balik rumah. Fuh! Selamat.

2. Covid-19 Bikin Anxiety
Empat ke lima hari sejak balik dari hospital. Dada Farahin rasa tak selesa macam orang batuk sedangkan Farahin tak batuk. Hari pertama, kedua-dua belah. Hari kedua, kedua-duanya masih sakit. Hari ketiga, sebelah kiri sahaja yang sakit. Hari ketiga tu anxiety datang menyerang. Farahin panik takut diri dijangkiti. Macam mana kalau mak ayah terkena sekali? Mak ayah dah tua lagilah berisiko. Kenapa aku tak mati awal je? Menyusahkan betul. Farahin tahu anxiety dah hampir dengan limit maksimum jadi Farahin vent out dekat best friend. Macam biasa, dia sentiasa membantu dan menyokong. Anxiety Farahin beransur kurang dan hari keempat, semakin malam dekat, semakin hilang rasa tak selesa di dada. Alhamdulillah.

3. Mana Sarah?
Anxiety Farahin menyerang lagi. Kali ni disebabkan Sarah yang dah beberapa hari offline. Senyap sepi entah ke mana. Tak tahan dengan cuma menunggu dan buka tutup instagram dan whatsapp dia untuk pastikan andai dia ada online, Farahin hantarkan mesej ringkas di whatsapp "Sarah. I miss you" sekali emoji heart besar gedabak. Esoknya mesej terbalas dan Farahin menangis sendu bercampur rasa syukur dan rindu. Sarah menghidapi Major Depressive Disorder. Farahin boleh agak betapa kritikalnya keadaan dia. Tipulah kalau anxiety Farahin tak berbunyi macam ni, "Macam mana kalau Sarah dah tak ada?" Cerita panjangnya ada di sini dan sini.

4. Hospital Lama
15/4 - Appoointment dengan doktor lagi. Since Hospital Kluang dah dicop sebagai pusat rawatan  utama Covid-19, sebarang urusan dan rawatan yang lainnya dijalankan di Hospital Kluang yang lama. Buat pertama kalinya, Farahin minta ayah hantarkan untuk pergi appointment. Sebab? Anxiety. Farahin tak rasa Farahin boleh bawa skuter sendiri. Farahin tak rasa Farahin boleh sampai hospital. Farahin tak rasa Farahin selamat nak pergi hospital sendiri. Sepanjang perjalanan ke hospital, Farahin kejung beku di tempat duduk. Takut. Takut nak keluar rumah. Takut dengan Covid-19. Takut dengan penyakit yang membunuh ni. Takut aku naik gila je nanti. Sudah tentunya, bacaan tekanan darah Farahin tinggi melambung. Sebab? Anxiety.

5. Anxiety Bikin Lalai
Hari tu ayah hantar mak pergi hospital sebab mak demam teruk sekali sakit-sakit badan. Sedang Farahin tunggu nasi masak, ayah call, "Farah. Bawakan handphone dengan charger mak pergi hospital. Mana tahu mak masuk wad ke? Boleh?" Farahin iyakan saja. Memang masa tu Farahin rasa macam okey je. Siap-siap, dah nak gerak, Farahin mula kalut. Pagar rumah dah kunci, lupa helmet tak pakai. Nak buka pagar rumah yang dah kunci, kunci pula jatuh dekat kawasan dalam. Tangan tak boleh nak capai dari luar. Sebenarnya, awal masa bersiap lagi anxiety dah hai hai dekat Farahin. Eh! Bukan hari tu aku takut nak keluar rumah? Eh! Kalau kena roadblock, nak cakap macam mana? Shit! Kenapa kalut sangat ni? Fine! It's anxiety. Sudahnya, Farahin tak pergi hospital, tak dapat masuk rumah pun, lepak rumah mak sedara yang berjiran depan rumah, sambil tahan air mata. Benda kecil, benda mudah je Farahin. Itu pun kau tak boleh nak buat! Mak sedara gelakkan mungkin sebab nampak Farahin macam cuai tapi tak. Anxiety buat Farahin terlampau lalai dan longlai.


Jadi itulah ia antara pengalaman Farahin semasa PKP ni.
Berat. Serius. Tak happy. Tapi Farahin suka nak kongsikan dengan pembaca.
Itu pun Farahin dah cuba simpulkan seringkas mungkin haha.

Stay home is fine. But not with this pendamic.
Duduk rumah je pun rasa tak senang duduk disebabkan anxiety.
Appointment dan rawatan pun tergendala dan tak macam biasa.
Jadi tolonglah tolonglah duduk rumah dan cegah penularan wabak ni.
Farahin nak jumpa doktor. Nak sembang dengan doktor. Nak lepak farmasi macam biasa.

Okey. Bagi yang nak join segmen ni, klik banner okey.
See you in later post. Bye bye. xoxo =)






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ELFollowers

why no one told me that i put wrong links for my Novel Pendek : Lutsinaran ? hiks. i just corrected it. you're invited to read it. =) -01/07/2020-