Jam

unanswered question

as silence breaks into tears

a cry imitating scream

splitting confusion in fuse

tearing apart flesh from its soul

bathed in sweat of pain but not blood

self hate, self blame

the untamed lame is no scam

two slice of breads with no jam

welcome to the smiling game

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Jung Jinwoo Nowhere

사람들은 다 똑같애
saramdeureun da ttok gathae
people are all the same
웃는 가면 사이로 돌아설 마음을 정해
utneun gamyeon sairo doraseol maeumeul jeonghae
they decide whether to return their hearts by wearing the smiling masks
또 다치기 싫은 마음에
tto dachigi shirheun maeume
in fear of getting hurt again
벽을 세워 둔 채로 거리를 유지하려고 해
byeogeul sewo dun chaero georireul yujiharyeogo hae
they build a wall and keep distance between themselves

내가 아직 어려서일까 걔가 어른일까
naega ajik eoryeoseoilkka gyaega eoreunilkka
am i still young? or are they adults?
마음을 열어 다가갈수록 왜 나만 모나질까
maeumeul yeoreo dagagalsurok wae naman monajilkka
why is it that i become harsher the more i open my heart?
다른 모양 다른 색이 미워지려 해
dareun moyang dareun saegi miwojiryeo hae
different shapes, different colors, i started to hate them
도망치고 싶어 다 내버려 두고
domangchigo shipeo da naebeoryeo dugo
i want to run away leaving everything behind

정답이 필요해 복잡한 마음에
jeongdabi pilyohae bokjabhan maeume
answer is needed in this perplexed mind
내 탓이 아니라 위로해봐도
nae tashi anira wirohaebwado
nothing gets better even when i
더 나아질 건 없네
deo naajil geon eobtne
console myself saying it isn't my fault

난 어디로 가야 해 중심을 잃은 채
nan eodiro gaya hae jungshimeul irheun chae
where am i ought to go? i've lost the balance
벼랑 끝에 내몰린 것 같애
byeorang kkeute naemollin geot gathae
i feel like i'm cornered on the cliff
어디에도 속할 수가 없네
eodiedo sokhal suga eobtne
i can't belong anywhere

나만 이런 건 가봐
naman ireon geon gabwa
looks like i'm the only one who is like this
맞잡은 손이 차가워져도 놓을 생각을 못 해
matjabeun soni chagawojyeodo noheul saenggageul mothae
even when the had held together gets cold, i cannot let go
다 떠나고 남겨졌을 때도
da tteonago namgyeojyeosseul ttaedo
even after i'm left alone
되려 미안한 마음에 자릴 뜨지도 못하네
doeryeo mianhan maeume jaril tteujido mothane
i cannot leave with regrets


내가 아직 어려서일까 걔가 어른일까
naega ajik eoryeoseoilkka gyaega eoreunilkka
am i still young? or are they adults?
마음을 열어 다가갈수록 왜 나만 모나질까
maeumeul yeoreo dagagalsurok wae naman monajilkka
why is it that i become harsher the more i open my heart?
다른 모양 다른 색이 미워지려 해
dareun moyang dareun saegi miwojiryeo hae
different shapes, different colors, i started to hate them
도망치고 싶어 다 내버려 두고
domangchigo shipeo da naebeoryeo dugo
i want to run away leaving everything behind

정답이 필요해 복잡한 마음에
jeongdabi pilyohae bokjabhan maeume
answer is needed in this my perplexed mind
내 탓이 아니라 위로해봐도
nae tashi anira wirohaebwado
nothing gets better even when i
더 나아질 건 없네
deo naajil geon eobtne
console myself saying it isn't my fault

난 어디로 가야 해 중심을 잃은 채
nan eodiro gaya hae jungshimeul irheun chae
where am i ought to go? i've lost the balance
벼랑 끝에 내몰린 것 같애
byeorang kkeute naemollin geot gathae
i feel like i'm cornered on the cliff
어디에도 속할 수가 없네
eodiedo sokhal suga eobtne
i can't belong anywhere

정답이 필요해
jeongdabi pilyohae
answer is needed
I can't trust nobody
어디로 가야 해 중심을 잃은 채
nan eodiro gaya hae jungshimeul irheun chae
where am i ought to go? i've lost the balance
벼랑 끝에 내몰린 것 같애
byeorang kkeute naemollin geot gathae
i feel like i'm cornered on the cliff
어디에도 속할 수가 없네
eodiedo sokhal suga eobtne
i can't belong anywhere


사람들은 다 똑같애
saramdeureun da ttok gathae
people are all the same
웃는 가면 사이로 돌아설 마음을 정해
utneun gamyeon sairo doraseol maeumeul jeonghae
they decide whether to return their hearts by wearing the smiling masks
난 다를 거라 믿었는데 인정해야 하나 봐
nan dareul geora mideottneunde injeonghaeya hana bwa
i believed that i would be different but i got to admit it
더는 모르겠어 난
deoneun moreugesseo nan
i don't know anymore

--------
Source: genie
Romanization by JHnimm

Thank you to my depression that i come to know a lot more korean underground R&B. Starting from WLK channel, PlanetariumRecords, and more brands following. I never know that this kind of music brand can be somehow somewhat helpful to me. They help me to slowly swim into my emotion instead of feeling drowning because of the wild resistance. They also help me to learn, read, as well as named my emotions despite let it all under a very huge and heavy rock called depression. So this is the first song I listened to today. It appeared on my youtube home and I thought "Oh! I haven't listened from Planetarium quite long now." And so, I clicked on it. Didn't expect it would be the right song for my mood right now. Exactly how I'm feeling right now. Just listen carefully how those soothing and calm melody are actually carrying a such sorrowful and desperate lyrics. I don't know if you really understand what I try to convey. Anyway, enjoy the song!

Sometimes I can act strong not because the burden has been less
but I just happened to have more energy at the moment.

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Cold Inside

Four walls and two feet

Walking in circle

Trapped in this room

Playing with the loop of mind

The sound of blowing wind

Maybe it is just the air from outside

Yet how could it be this cold

Here, I kneel weak again

Even tears had long dried

But with sorrow that is remained

By silence that I am chained to

From flesh to bone it pierced deeply

Into soul that I become unknown

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Novel Pendek : Lutsinaran (Bhg.7)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |

Kolam mata Aran bertakung penuh lalu melimpah jatuh. Wajah Lut dipandang dengan penuh perasaan hampa sehampanya. Tersentuh hatinya. Meronta jiwanya. Berbolak-balik perasaannya bagaikan kapal usang yang dilibas ombak buas dalam mendung yang kian gelap. Dia jadi keliru dan tidak keruan setelah mendengar rayuan Lut yang sangat dalam.

Sedang graviti berpaut di hujung kaki, emosinya mula beradu di dalam diri. Membangkitkan semangat halus yang dikiranya sudah lama mati. Dalam ragu dan pilu tangan Lut dipaut lalu terasa tenaga kehidupan yang sangat kuat datangnya dari rakannya itu sendiri. Tangan-tangan yang lainnya turut semakin bertenaga menariknya naik ke atas semula.

Kelopak mata dipejamkan sementara air mata tetap laju mengalir. Dari hujung jari hingga ke lengan, kemudian hingga ke bahu, Aran dapat rasakan tenaga keras mereka yang bertungkus-lumus untuk menyelamatkannya. Buat apa? Untuk apa? Kenapa? Atas nilai apa mereka berhabis tenaga untuk insan sepertinya? Insan? Insan sepertimana sebenarnya dia kalau sekadar yang bernamakan Aran.

Aran. Hanya nama itu yang ada pada dirinya. Selainnya dia tidak punya apa. Melainkan memori zaman kanak-kanaknya dicanting buruk dengan badan yang kerap berbiratkan kesan dera si ayah yang panas baran dan kaki pukul. Kemudian dikenakan pula pakaian serba bertutup oleh ibu bagi menyembunyikan tanda kerakusan suaminya. Jarang sekali atau lebih tepat lagi tidak pernah dia dapat berpakaian menarik dan cantik seperti kanak-kanak seusianya.

Selepas si ayah pergi meninggalkan si ibu dan anak lelakinya, Aran dijadikan bahan pengabaian. Sementara si ibu berseronok berfoya-foya sehingga lewat malam, Aran ditinggalkan sendirian di rumah tidak terjaga apakan lagi dididik sebaiknya. Tidak cuma di rumah, di sekolah juga begitu. Tidak kira betapa buas dia memberontak dan menunjukkan kemarahan malah menangis sekuat suara yang ada, tiada sesiapa mahu ambil peduli sebaliknya lebih diejek dan ditertawakan. Lalu dia diabaikan juga.

Terbiasa dengan pengabaian manusia seumur hidupnya, dia juga entah bila dan bagaimanan mula mengabaikan diri sendiri. Setiap kali malamnya dihantui mimpi ngeri yang merupakan picisan memori buruk zaman kanak-kanaknya, pisau dan kaca menjadi mainan tetap yang membuatnya kembali tenang setelah sakit dan luka di kulit mengalirkan darah merah yang hangat dan pekat. Kemudian apabila siang muncul kembali, pakaian serba panjang menjadi kostum pementasan yang dia sendiri sudah muak dengan watak yang dilakonkan.

“Syukur.” Suara Lut mendengus kuat di hujung telinga, membuatkan Aran terjaga dari lamunan yang dalam. Tahu-tahu sahaja kedua-dua kakinya sudah berpijak di atas lantai dan kini dia sedang dirangkul rapat oleh rakannya itu. Jelas terasa kedua-dua tangan Lut yang menggigil keras mencengkam kuat di belakangnya. Lebih keras dan kuat daripada tangan yang diletakkan di bahunya awal pagi tadi.

“Aku…” Nada Aran tergantung. Entah kenapa dia berasa sukar sekali untuk berkata-kata ketika ini. Tetapi banyak yang hendak dikatakan sekarang. Banyak juga yang hendak ditanya. “Aku minta maaf.” Ucap Aran. Lain yang hendak diluahkan, lain pula yang dihamburkan. Air mata mengalir lagi. Kali ini bukan kerana meratapkan nasib diri tetapi sebagai hadiah kepada diri yang selama ini sangat dirindui. Diri yang selama ini langsung tidak dikenali, hilang tidak tercari.

Dalam tangis, Lut melakarkan senyum penuh rasa lega dan syukur. Belakang Aran diusap dan ditepuk beberapa kali sebelum rangkulannya dileraikan. Wajah sahabat ditatap lama. Air mata lebat sudah membasahi keseluruh muka Aran. Merah dan berhingus. “Nasib baik.” Keluh Lut sambil mencekak pinggang.

“Tapi kenapa Lut?” Baru sekarang Aran dapat bersuara dengan jelas. Air mata di muka dikesat secepatnya. “Kenapa kau tak lepaskan je aku?” Sambung Aran lagi dan matanya berair lagi. Sendu dan pilunya dia ketika ini tidak terlawan dek ego lelakinya. Tidak kurang juga dengan bingung dan bengongnya.

Lut mempamerkan riak muka kurang puas hati. “Kot ya pun ucaplah terima kasih.” Lut menonjol perlahan kepala Aran. “Bodoh sangat soalan kau tu. Perlu ke sebab kenapa?” Sengaja Lut membiarkan ayatnya tergantung seketika. Senyum kecil dilakarkan di wajah. “Kita kan kawan.” Putus Lut dengan penuh semangat.

Tidak lama mereka bertukar bicara, Aran dibawa pergi oleh guru-guru untuk ke bilik rawatan. Sementara Lut terpaksa berlama sedikit mencari sesuatu di sekitar kawasan kejadian. Dia pasti apa yang dicarinya berada di sekitar situ.

“Kau punya ke ni?” Zali datang menghampirinya sambil memberikan sebekas kecil yang berisikan biji-bijian putih.

“Hah! Ada pun. Selamat aku. Terima kasih.” Bekas kecil tersebut diambil dan diperiksa seketika sebelum disimpan masuk ke dalam poket seluar.

“Ubat apa tu weh?” Selamba sahaja Zali bertanya sambil mereka berdua menapak keluar dari situ.

“Antidepressant.”

----------TAMAT----------

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A Good Place

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, readers ! Selamat malam semuanya ?

Apa khabar ? How was your day ?

Tonight I'm back with another rant !

Jemput baca sampai habis okey. hehe

Alhamdulillah. Dah 2 disember pun. Rasa macam lambat masa berlalu. Tak sangka semalam baru je 1 disember. Why do I say so ? Sebab Farahin tak expect that I would start my december with this anguish and beating feeling of self hate. And so yesterday happened to be my first cry huhu. Tak banyak pun cuma a few drops but still painful and depressing.

Okey. That was the introduction. Now let's go straight to the story. Malam ni Farahin pergi dinner dengan housemate. Bukan housemate yang Farahin mentioned from previous post tapi housemate yang lain. Housemate ni lebih rapat dengan roommate Farahin tapi malam ni roommate Farahin balik rumah (almaklum rumah dekat kannn) and unexpectedly dia ajak Farahin dinner sekali. Jadi kita on je lah kan even sebelum tu niatnya malas nak turun dinner haha. Fikir nak rendam bubur instant je hehe.

Jadi masa dinner tadi, tertengoklah juga drama melayu pukul tujuh tu kan. Eh ! Ada watak nama sarah. Teringatlah juga dekat roommate haha. After dinner, housemate ni nak pergi tapaw burger pula. Hmm macam nak pergi usha jugalah. Hari tu sarah tapaw burger situ macam sedap je. Akhirnya, Farahin pun pergilah tapaw burger dengan housemate sekali.

Sementara tunggu burger siap tu, sembanglah sikit dengan housemate ni. Actually, Farahin quite awkward dengan housemate ni. Satu, sebab loghat dia Farahin susah nak tangkap (almaklum bodoh loghat pahang even ayah orang pahang, dalam kata lain kite budak pahang celup hahahaha). Dua, entahlah pokoknya memang kekok. But tak kata Farahin tak suka dia. She is just as fine as she is.

Dah sembang tu, dapatlah tahu housemate ni anak kedua. Dia pernah bela kucing macam Farahin juga tapi dah mati and now dah dua tahun dia tak bela kucing. Farahin pun share juga yang Farahin anak tunggal dan after years tak bela kucing (yang semuanya mati dekat rumah) Farahin ada alahan kucing. Sebab at that time ada kucing datang dekat kita orang tapi tangan Farahin still gatal nak belai dia haha. Kisah apa aku alahan pun kan huhu.

From this an hour spent with housemate, terperasan Farahin akan a few things. Satu, seronoknya bila orang terfikirkan kita. Like dia ajak Farahin dinner berdua dengan dia even kita orang tak lah rapat mana. Tambahan, Farahin pun tak banyak cakap dengan dia. To me that is just an on-going process for introvert to approach and to be approached by others. Walaupun Farahin rapidly jadi lebih rapat dengan roommate sekarang.

Dua, masih kuat terngiang-ngiang statement doktor pasal Farahin mudah attach to people. Betul. Farahin tak nafikan. Tapi Farahin tak boleh terima kalau statement ni generally merujuk kepada behaviour yang kononnya Farahin desperate nak orang terima Farahin like mereka yang toxically tried to fit in with others. What I'm sure about, even I don't like that kind of relationship. If there is a term like a cat person, then maybe I'm a human person (too ?)

Tapi malam ni Farahin suka nak admit, "Yes. I'm easily attach to people." Contohnya, a few weeks ago Farahin ada a few times juga dinner lauk tomyam yang sebelum ni not even a dish yang my taste buds familiar with. In different words, Farahin kurang minat dengan tomyam sebenarnya (anything that tastes too strong to my tongue lol). Jadi apa yang buat Farahin kinda attached to this dish ? It is all because of my roommate. 

Dalam bulan yang sama juga (november), Farahin ada had lunch with a good friend dekat nasi kukus mama. I'm sure ramai yang biasa dengan this brand. Tapi bulan lepas was my first time makan dekat situ. Sebelum ni cuma tapaw dari kawan kepada kawan haha. And I also had another lunch with my rommate at the same place a few days later. By that time, I had this feeling of attachment. Bukan cuma toward my rommate, my good friends, my best friends, but toward all people yang Farahin rasa worth my care and love.

Farahin noticed, It is a good place when there are good people as well as good food. Even this thought was inspired from that little moment I shared with someone, I think it is also works in other occasion. Contohnya, bila kita rasa toksik dengan siapa atau di mana kita berada we will directly know this is not good for us. Dan kenapa Farahin guna "are" instead of "is" ? Let's say if there is only a kind and good people yang kita jumpa dekat satu tempat tu, tak ke rasa kita terlupa akan sesuatu ? Kita mungkin lupa yang kita juga patut dikira sebagai good people. Don't you think so ?

Okey. Berbalik pada kisah tomyam tadi. Kenapa Farahin kata sebab roommate lah Farahin jadi gian dengan tomyam ? Pertamanya, Farahin tak nafikan tomyam ni rasanya boleh tahan. Tapi yang keduanya, apa yang buat Farahin feeling this very little but powerful happiness bila makan tomyam was because of how it reminded me to the memories I shared with my roommate. Dari awal jumpa, kenal, sampai sekarang. And all I can say dalam hati is "Jadi ni lah tomyam yang Sarah suka."

Sama juga ceritanya dengan minat Farahin toward rock music. Awalnya, Farahin sendiri tak boleh nak layan muzik yang orang asyik momokkan sebagai suara setan ni hahahaha. Tapi I think because of the memories I shared with a good friend from matriculation yang minatkan The Gazette, now I turned out to be a fan too (more like a listener hahahaha). And I'm also curious about the revolutions of this music and its industry. Siapa kenal Arlequin ? hehe

Hmm. Idea asalnya Farahin akan buat dua post under different titles of course. Tak sangka Farahin dapat summarised them this well hahahaha. Dua tajuk yang muncul dekat kepala sambil Farahin makan burger tadi were "Attachment" dan "Self Hate". And now, the title turned to be "A Good Place". Just so you know, I ended up with that title while I'm writing it hahahaha.

So now it is already 2nd December. I have 16 days left before the next appointment as well as 16 pills to be finished. By now, there are still 17 pills sebab Farahin still belum makan ubat untuk malam ni. I will take it after make this post published hehe.

Hmm so it is another long long post again.

Just so you know I really would like to share this little happiness with y'all.

Thank you for your time and concern !

Have a good rest. Goodnight.

xoxo =)

When you can't prevent the toxic, you can avoid it.
Otherwise, you have to face it.

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