I Was a Dreamer

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i was a dreamer.

a child who wanted to be a lawyer thought that would make her parent proud.
a pet lover who found out that veterinary is a wonderful career.
a talent in drawing, a desire in writing, fantasized to be one.

i was a dreamer.

one day, i would make my parent happy.
i would make myself beautiful.

just, until when?

since when...

it turn out the dreams were all nightmares.

a child who only wanted to stay in her close room all day.
a pet lover who had lost many of her beloved kittens.
drawing on plain paper but ended up torn it apart.
instead of writing a fiction, i kept myself all silent.

what makes a dreamer is a dream she has.

then,

what makes the one with nightmare?
isn't it also a dream?

then, how can?

how can it be this ugly?
terrifying?

suddenly,

night became so sad.
dark was where i would hide.
cries became my usual lullaby.
regrets chained me during the bright day.

i was a dreamer.

am i still?


















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[WARNING!] My Unsuccessful Suicide

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my unsuccessful suicide.

my unsuccessful suicide begun
when my mind  became tricky and my body became very clumsy.
when my hand hesitated to reach the little knife in the empty drawer
yet ended up tightened it in the grip.

with half sane but fully conscious,
i grazed the sharp part of that little knife on my young thin skin.
it tickled and then came the pain before the presence of thick red blood.

my unsuccessful suicide begun
when three little straight cuts caused my not-so-fatty wrist wounded.
when the pain got clearer and my tricky mind became much cleaner.
as i came back to sane, what another bigger sin i had commit?
while that not much blood spill gave a lot of pain and tears,
what a weak kind of me?

my unsuccessful suicide begun
when tomorrow lie told the same story the day after.
when i laughed at my clumsiness like yesterday was just another shot of comedy.
forced to forgive this oneself when to forget can never been so hopeful.
it tickled and then came the pain under now healed wounds.











you know the game. ten facts with one is a lie.





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Disqualified

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Assalamualaikum...
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**i'm quite into this guy lately. shigeoka daiki fufu
Morning, peeps! How are you?
Do you having a good start for today?
In my case, not so good but I'm still good haha.

This very early morning,
Farahin ada rollcall untuk sispa.
Like this is the only wednesday that I woke up so much early.
And yeah, I'm sleepy right now.
Plus, mood burung hantu Farahin memang aktif sangat this semester.
So almost every day I go to sleep very late hehe.
But this is not what I want to write about today.
It's just some random emo intro lol.

Ceritanya, I got an interesting news from my academic advisor.
There is a competition involving designing a poster
using photoshop, illustrator and indesign.
It is a big competition with big prize.
I wasn't so confident but I felt like want to try.
Until I read the Rules and Regulation.

Participant must be between 13 and 22 as soon as June 22, 2019.

Okay. Yes. That's it. Alright.
Suddenly, Farahin terasa tua sangat hahahaha.
Why? Because I'm already 23 years 1 month 19 days old.
Yeah. That makes me disqualified to join that so called competition. Huhu

Baru je nak acah mencabar diri even dari awal lagi rasa macam tak mampu.
Siap fikir panjang lagi nak join ke tidak.
Tuptup, tak payah fikir dah.
Memang tak layak huh.

Well, it's okay.
Small matter. Doesn't matter. Lol
Tahulah diri ni dah cukup dewasa.
Jiwa je masih remaja muda hehe.

Until here, thank you for coming.
Kirim salam to March!
I'm late again haha.
Enjoy your Wednesday!
xoxo =)








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New Habit

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Assalamualaikum...
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**it's just a bunch of fucked up gentlemen. DON'T IGNORE LOL
Hello, peeps! Apa khabar semua ?
Hmm lamanya tak ranting kat blog ni.
Puisi sokmo ja. Well, it's the mood lol

So the very first ranting post for this february is titled as above. Yup. I think I had gained a new habit. Kalau tak silap, since last semester lagi. When I only had this one class at the end of day. And I started to feel rimas when I thought I had to bring this one thing with me all the time.

What is this thing?

BAG.

Yes. Farahin rasa malas dan rimas nak bawa beg ke kelas. Why? Because tak ada function pun. If I have to jot down anything during lecture, sebatang pen dan sekeping A4 pun dah cukup. Tu pun kalau agak2 tertinggal dalam kelas, all notes are online and I can just revise them right on time on my phone if I have to lol. During lab pula, dah tentu menghadap mac gergasi tu. Buat latihan, any programming or editing semua on komputer. If a pen is needed, that is only when to sign the attendance huhu.

Actually, I have a worst thought to not bring anything except a pen. And I had done this once or twice but it was very awkward because I was so kosong sehelai sepinggang lmao. I jotted down anything on phone, I calculated everything on phone, I revised the notes on phone. Sounds crazy, right?

I tried to hold back this strange habit. But I ended up did it today. Farahin cuma ada dua kelas every monday. Pagi satu lecture, petang satu lab. So for this lab today, Farahin datang kosong dengan pen sebatang and buku nota kecik hadiah dari lecturer semester lepas sebab perform kahoot haha. Itu pun tak ada function sangat. Like I mentioned above. Everything is done on computer.

So, what do you think?
I am a computer student.
and I have this crazy thought to utilize everything like
phone, computer, internet, and sort of those things
as long as it is helpful dan tak merimaskan for me.
Is this a BAD attitude? Just wondering lol.

Until here, thank you for coming!
May you have a good rest tonight.
xoxo =)







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I'll be OK

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**this poem is inspired from this song. HERE
I'll be ok
don't bother,
this worry will goes away
I'll be ok
even when you're not here,
i won't be so lonely

i did good even though this life went harder
i went backed on my two feet,
wounded and trembling
alone like this, it never matter

I'll be ok
your good words will pass like wind
blow this wounds and pains away
I'll be ok
even when you're not here,
i won't be so lonely

your yesterday goodbye still lefts me hanging
this choking feeling seems don't want to let go
no, don't come back but why don't you bring this pain along

I'll be ok
don't bother, this worry will goes away
alone like this, it never matter
even when death is calling
i will keep the last breath strong













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Shut

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Image result for moonlight at sea gif black and white
sunrise greets the morning
what tomorrow is now today
though last night eyes won't shut

today, green and bright
yet last night still awake in mind
counting on breath so lungs won't shut

laying down, facing the wall
dull white with unknown stains
old and cold yet rough

today, back to this room
last night mess still bugging the head
untidy, too much to deal

let's just get the eyes shut.












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It Is

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staring at an empty frame
picture a picture
yet no color is spilled
no shape is drew
nothing

is there anything wrong?
i know there is something wrong
the sounds of my shaking heart
the breath that difficultly reached the lung
something is absolutely wrong

the cold is not from the wind
the pain is not from the wound
staring at the empty frame
beautiful but hollow
it is, is it me?

staring at an empty frame
picture a picture
white wall, dark mind
it is, it is me
nothing








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A Single Person

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Image result for dark city lights
the bright city beneath the dark sky
a running river is crying over the stone
windy night and a cold seat
hands are wrapping around
yet the heat never comes

dark silhouette under the dim lamp
fireworks blow the air yet head still down
noise after noise becomes noises
silent tongue but not my mind
tip of toes are turning blue

will it be raining tomorrow?
remember of the old umbrella
leaning against the dull wall
it had been lost since when i started to forget
a single person just walking pass.











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Home

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Image result for anime street lamp gif
quiet house with lights out
empty bed with cold pillow
this reality is more like nightmare
tears are now dried but not the sorrow

dark is not just night
day is not anymore bright
fine I'm all alone
guess no need to wait anymore

let's walk the dream
drag the pain all my own
because you're not here anymore
keep hiding and let me keep searching

let me breath your name for each take
let me burn in this hellish feeling
let me feels home again.







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New Semester Is Back

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for happy ao no exorcist rin gif
Hello, peeps! How're you doing?
It's finally the new semester.
And I still don't give a proper greeting to 2019 and January lol.
It was both good and quite anxious start.
I had to struggle on three last mini projects
before the previous semester ends.

As the semester break coming closer,
I was quite excited celebrating the end of my sweet 22.
Bought myself a stuffed pillow aka plushie which I never had even one.
Also I set my sweet-tooth monster free, let her enjoyed her good time
with a piece of Blueberry Cake and Big Apple donuts. Quite rare snacks to me.

And then when the final exam result was out, I got an unexpected grade.
Bless all the kind-hearted lecturers, I got to have
Pointer 3 on the paper. Alhamdulillah.

And after a two weeks break, today is the first day of my eighth semester.
Supposed I have a class today but I still don't get the mood lmao.
So here I am being scratchy scratchy on my blog
with choki choki hanging at the end of my mouth lol.

By the way, for this semester I only have three courses to attend.
Wish I can do it good for this semester too.
Yet I am all nervous thinking about my final year project. Uh!

Until here, thank you for passing by
and read this short ranting of my boring life.
All the best to you guys! Oh, and Happy (Chinese) New Year!
xoxo =)


A song for you all hehe. Enjoy!





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But An Empty Glass

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a glass fills with air
but why i'm feeling this empty
the hand that you let go is still warm
but why i'm trembling like this

an empty glass is now cold
there is a knot tightens my chest
each step away you takes left me suffocating
the one who is leaving is you
but why i'm feeling this empty

do you hear that ?
the glass is shattering
my heart is calling for you
the tears are pleading like rainfall
but i still cannot reach you

why does it ends like this ?
why it upsets me this much ?
why it feels this empty ?
what makes me without you
but an empty glass.
















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at night, i was all sleepless. at day, i was almost soulless. -23/03/2019-