Confession of Anxiety

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for without you depressed black gif  images
Selamat petang ke senja semua !
Apa khabar hari ini ?
Hmm. Tak pasti nak mulakan bebelan macam mana hari ni.
Tapi tak apa. Kita masuk perenggan baru haha.

Tak. Farahin tak salah masuk tajuk. Ni bukan nak buat review pasal movie Confession of Murderer. Tapi memang itu tajuk post kali ni. Tak dinafikan juga memang terinspirasi dari tajuk movie tu hehe. Ya. Hari ni nak cerita pasal anxiety. Cerita yang mulanya seminggu sebelum cuti midsem lagi huhu.

Kerap Farahin nampak post dekat ig saying, "anxiety is lying to you." Hmm. Tapi Farahin ada pandangan berbeza. To me, anxiety is a true confession. Ya. Sometimes anxiety can be overwhelming and terburu-buru buat bermacam hypothesis dan andaian. Tapi Farahin suka nak highlight secuit kemanisan darinya.

Dua hari berturut selepas jumpa doktor, as expected I was depleted. Terbaring atas tilam sepanjang hari. Makan sehari sekali. Tak payah mention solat tak cukup waktu. Itupun Alhamdulillah sempat jenguk maghrib dan ishak walaupun matahari saban hari tak nampak. Tapi pada hari kedua, jumaat, Farahin ada terjaga pagi (hampir tengah hari). Kalau tak sebab whatsapp dari kawan.

Kawan ingatkan Farahin yang petang jumaat tu patut update dekat sv pasal progress fyp sebab he will key in the first 20% mark. I knew that. Tapi Farahin sejak malam rabu lagi dah lemau. Kawan Farahin ni memang mudah gelabah. Kalau dia gelabah, Farahin lagilah gelabah kan. Dah tentu mental dan fizikal kurang stabil masa tu.

Farahin tahu kalau Farahin push diri untuk pulun my fyp waktu tu, memang tak banyak hasilnya. Lebih macam tiada. Termenung menahan tekanan yang dah kebas satu badan, Farahin decided untuk whatsapp sv. Minta maaf dan khabarkan sejujurnya how very little my progress was. Dokumen/report pun belum sempat nak goreng. Right after that, I cried super hard. Sampai tarik rambut, ketuk kepala. Seksa sangat waktu tu.

After dapat reply sv, barulah Farahin lega sikit. He was okay with it. Dah lah depleted. Meraung pula. Lagilah penat rasanya. Farahin naik tilam balik. Dah nak dekat zuhur masa tu, dapat pula whatsapp dari bff membawakan berita yang sangat mengejutkan. Dia nak tunang. Anxiety strike untuk kali kedua. Campak handphone ke tepi, pejam mata.

Kerap juga nampak post dekat ig with another saying kind like, "an adult child with trauma has confusion to be adult." I think I understand that. Kenapa Farahin triggered bila dapat berita bff nak tunang? Sebab that was what had been playing in my head for a very long longgg time, "macam mana kalau suatu hari nanti mak ayah aku dah tak ada, kawan-kawan yang rapat ni dah ada tanggungjawab dan kehidupan sendiri, aku ni memang dah tak ada apanya." Dan disebabkan this overthought ni lah, Farahin dapat kesimpulan paling basic which "aku hidup, aku tahan sakit aku ni hanya kerana Allah dan amanahNya."

Bila Farahin triggered dengan berita tu, I didn't care if my anxiety gebang melampau sekalipun. Apa yang Farahin tahu, one of reasons kenapa Farahin rasa macam tu sebab Farahin sayang. Sayang sangat sangat dekat bff seorang ni. Sayang lebih daripada nilai seorang sahabat. Ada masa dialah keluarga, dialah guru, dia jugalah kekasih. I know this is childish. Tapi Farahin punya affectionate towards my three bff, tiap seorangnya lain macam. Masing-masing ada special place masing-masing in my heart.

Now, dah seminggu balik kampus. Of course, most of days I was depleted. Fed up pun ya. Rasa macam dari mati segan hidup tak mahu, jadi mati segan hidup melahu. Nak mati tak boleh. Nak hidup macam tak hidup. Dan lebih menambah sunyi, rasa rindu sangat dengan bff yang dah tunang tu. Rindu yang cukup buat rasa nak menangis. Tapi tu lah tak menangis juga haha.

Until here, I put an end to this post.
Salam maghrib! And have a good rest, everyone!
See you. Bubye =)



This anxiety is not lying to me but confessing with all my mind and body.






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Hypertension

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Assalamualaikum...
Related image
Good morning, peeps!
How're you today?
Dah breakfast?

Farahin baru lepas pergi check bp (blood pressure) ni ha. Tapi baru lepasnya tu setengah jam yang lalu. Alhamdulillah. Dapat juga bangun pagi. Even kunci alarm pukul 6.05 pagi, namun bangunnya pukul 6.35 pagi jengjengjenggg haha.

Pergi check bp hari ni lain sikit. Biasa diminta baring berehat 15-30 minit dulu. Tapi hari ni terus pergi check. Macam biasa, bp tinggi hoho. Farahin pun dah malas nak buat sebarang reaction. Malas nak peduli. Tuptup staff klinik suruh jumpa doktor.

Jumpa doktor, doktor yang sama keluarkan surat rujuk hospital sem lepas. Sembang pasal bila, berapa lama ambil ubat, ubat apa, apa perubahan, tapi sampai doktor tanya "jadi ada apa-apa yang doktor boleh bantu tak sekarang?" dah terpinga-pinga Farahin jadinya. Tak expect pun kena jumpa doktor hari ni. Memang otak kosong, fikir nak makan sebab lapar sangat dah masa tu hahahaha.

Second time check bp dengan doktor pun tinggi juga. Doktor minta relaks, zikir sikit, jengjengjeng bp tetap juga tinggi. Kurang sikit je dari reading yang pertama tadi. Bila doktor tanya ada apa-apa yang buat Farahin stress ke lately, Farahin cakap je lah "stress tu memang ada. tapi tak ada lah stress sangat." Yalah. Manusia mana je tak stress hidup dekat dunia pesat membangun acah bertamadun ni kan.

Sembang punya sembang, teringat pula nak share dengan doktor pasal Farahin oftenly depleted. Farahin dah perasan pattern for 2 months already. Kalau sehari lepas buat apa-apa outdoor activities, jumpa orang ke, contohnya macam pergi appointment doktor tu, dua hari berturut mesti Farahin depleted. Susah nak bangun tidur. Makan susah. Mandi susah. Jadinya doktor beri Farahin vitamin.

Farahin memang siap-siap google lepas dapat ubat. Paling basic, nak tahu side effects ubat tu. Jadi Farahin memang tahu ubat yang Farahin ambil sekarang ada side effect hypertension. Sebab tu Farahin tak hairan sangat bp tinggi huhu.

Until here, I put the end of this post.
Have a good day and all the best!
Bubye. See ya =)



just because it makes me stronger,
doesn't mean i don't need to feel and be protected.



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Hello November

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for black depression aesthetic
Hello, November ! Hello, people !
How are you today ? Sihat ke semuanya ?
Bagi yang sakit tu (macam Farahin hehe), get well soon !

Alhamdulillah. It's already november now. I made it for 8 months. And now it's my 4th month on medication. Back then, tak terlintas langsung di fikiran yang I could make it this far. Banyak yang dah Farahin tangiskan dan luahkan. Antaranya ialah, "Susah, doktor. Susahnya nak hidup tanpa nafsu nak hidup."

Alhamdulillah. Berkat sekecil-kecil usaha, senipis-nipis harapan dan nafsu yang ada, kalau Farahin tak menapak ke hospital pada hujung Julai hari tu, belum tentu hari ni Farahin dapat buat post ni. Mungkin masih terbaring meraung di atas tilam. Mungkin dah bercalar-balar dengan luka dan parut. Mungkin tak ada pun dekat bumi Allah ini.

Supposed semalam lagi Farahin pergi klinik kesihatan universiti untuk monitor blood pressure as requested by my doctor. Tapi I was depleted. As well as today too. Tapi Alhamdulillah hari ni dapat bangun pagi walaupun lewat. Sempat sarapan. Mandi. Nature call. Inshaallah. Esoklah pergi monitor blood pressure tu. Kalau ditanya kenapa tak datang Isnin dan Selasa, cakap je lah kan yang Farahin tak bangun haha. Tapi sebelum ni tak ada pun ditanya.

Sejak dapatkan rawatan, Farahin memang open je dengan orang pasal my mental illness. Kadang-kadang tu self doubt juga. Rasa macam aku ni attention seeker ke? Aku ni TMI ke? Aku ni gini? Aku ni gitu? But then I reminded myself again and again, yang itu semuanya stigma. Farahin pusing balik niat asal, apa yang buat Farahin rela open up with people about it. Bukan ke untuk break that stigma within me and the people around me? Bukan ke untuk sama-sama melaungkan suara prihatin dengan mereka yang masih tak kuat untuk bersuara meminta tolong? Bukan ke kerana Allah?

Yes. I'm a MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) patient. I'm that girl who smiles and calls your name. I'm that girl who sits and eats in the same area with you. I'm that girl who loves to make friend with you. I'm that girl who cares about you as well as other patients. I'm that girl who breathes the same air and will be at mahsyar along with you. I'm just that girl.

Until here, I put the end of this post.
Thank you for your time and concern!
Have a good day and take care.
See ya =)






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Teardrops of Faithful Love

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Image result for depressed black dark flower
One cry after nights of silence
The inner scream I let it drips cold
Unspoken words are tied to my frozen tongue
Hands to my chest where you are in my heart
Heard love supposed to keep us close despite the distance
They said time will get us meet in no time
Then what love that keeps me longing this long
To you I make space in this heart yet still lost
How can the moon and the sun never seen together
Under this same sky how can we still be this far
I am fine alone but not without your presence
To you and for you I pour teardrops of faithful love
May this feeling keeps us tangle despite life and death.











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Unwanted Criminal

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Related image
click on the image to figure out the inspiration :)

Torn out poster with blurred face
My unknown name is labeled wanted
Their sarcasm and their dirty orgasm
Don't let me die but they keep pulling on the trigger
The trigger in my head doesn't let me escape
How I plead the dead comes upon me
Don't let me die but make me the criminal
No! I'm not going behind the cold bars
Can't you see I'm chained to these suicidal scars
Their bad tongues lick me dirty into burning blame
Wish I'm dead but they never come for my head
Oh, kill me! Kill me! Kill me now with your hate










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Be Patient With Patient

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for listen depressive depressed gif
Hello, peeps! Long time no see y'all.
How're you doing?

September had long gone and I'm still not saying my goodbye. I'm even very very very late to greet the October now. Anyway, night all! I'm here again after almost a month went silent. I'm having upset stomach right now. Guess it's because I was late for my dinner again. Yesterday I had it late too and it was quite unhealthy because I only had instant cup noodle. I even had bad routine yesterday by sleeping all day long right after my no-rice-lunch-but-only-biscuits-and-bread lol.

I'm supposed to proceed making progress on my final year project right now but I don't feel like to do it anyway. Even though I had it planned this afternoon after crying out of feeling anxious, thinking that I'm still don't have satisfying progress to be updated to my supervisor. I had informed him last week during our first meeting after a month the semester started, "I'll do have progress but it will be slow (like slowest ever)." I texted him while crying and he let me proceed with the system first and don't worry about the documents/reports yet. He is such a nice person. Too nice that I could not help to not feeling guilty and ashamed. He had helped me a lot since two last semesters. Again, he is indeed very nice and patient.

Patience. That's what I need the most right now. Not only from people around me, but also from myself. I have been on medication for 2 months and a half now. And my pill had changed from sertraline to venlafaxine. I love to call it Venus hehe. I'm also came out a name for sertraline -- Saturn. Cute, isn't it? I'm now on my second week with Venus. This pill causes sleepiness but I don't think it's working to make me go to sleep right after taking it. Well, maybe my body as well as my brain ares till working to get used to it.

I'm already transferred to HTAA, Kuantan. Last wednesday was my second appointment. The doctor was nice and I always love the discussion we had. Of course, I'm not the type of patient who only listen. I love asking, getting advices, giving opinions, and sharing mutual decisions or conclusions. No mention easily triggered and crying in front the doctor lol. She was just skillful at doing those politely and I don't hate it at all. The most important is, not only the doctor but also nurses were highly patient. It could be because they were trained and are working for psychiatry. Yet again, I don't hate it at all.

This mid semester break I'll go back home. Well, actually I was asked to. There is something need to be done at home. My father had asked my confirmation for twice. He also told me that he met a imam and asked him regarding my mental illness. I was frustrated as soon as I was told. Last July, only in a week after I started my medication, he took me for ruqyah without any discussion. And here he met some other imam 2 months after. I'm far from misunderstanding his love and concern. But what's putting me into discomfort here is how he seems make my voice and opinions invalid. Shortly, he's been impatient. I understand why but I won't let it pass if this continued.

This is another example of stigma. It's not always come in harshness way but also in politeness. It has been difficult for me trying to break my own stigma toward my own mental illness and be more patient with myself than years before. But when these closest people keep pushing me like I don't make any effort or improvement, I feel disregarded and invalidated. I do need solid support as well as advice sometimes. And along with those, I'm also need patience.

From perspective of a healthy person, I'm now not in my good condition as good as 3 to 4 years ago. My movements and progresses are at their slowest pace ever. I'm ill and just start taking treatment. While from perspective of a ungealthy person, I'm doing my best. I'm already hit my limit and I need some more rest. I make efforts but most of them happens and done in my brain as well as my body. As my final line of this late night post, be patient with patient.

Thank you for your time and concern.
Have a good rest and good night!
See you. Bubye =)




Everything is subjective. It is all depend on one's perspective.
Be creative. Be imaginative.














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Luka Sikit Je

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Assalamualaikum...
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Greeting y'all! How're you today?
Dah dinner? Ke dah nak masuk tidur?
Or maybe still working?
Apapun, have a good rest!

Haa suspen tak tajuk tu? hehe. Ya. Farahin terluka. Luka sikit je. Dalam bulan ni je dah tiga kali Farahin terluka. Semua luka jadi dekat tangan kanan haha. Satu dekat ibu jari. Lepas tu jari hantu. Hari ni dekat tapak tangan pula. Yang ibu jari sebab tersepit dengan pemegang baldi. Maklum ibu jari gemuk. Jari hantu tu terkena pisau masa tengah belah ubat. Farahin kena makan sebiji setengah jadi hampir setiap malam kena main belah-membelah. Memang tak boleh blah hahahaha. Yang hari ni pula sebab tolong housemate pecah pintu bilik dia yang termangga dari luar. Beriya mengetuk sampai tak terasa tapak tangan terhiris. Tahu-tahu je pedih huhu.

Tiga kali luka, tiga kali juga Farahin menangis dalam bulan ni. Farahin tak rasa ianya perkara buruk. Even Farahin bukan jenis cengeng and orang memang biasa nampak Farahin cool and cold, I've learned that crying is one of the best way for me to express myself. Farahin susah nak open dengan orang. Susah nak meluah perasaan. Selagi boleh simpan Farahin simpan. So crying is quite helpful. Panik juga roommate masa dengar Farahin menangis beriya dua malam lepas haha. Sejam jugalah Farahin menangis. Bangun pagi, mata bengkak hahahahaha.

Bila nampak tangan luka pagi ni. Farahin terfikir, mungkin ini juga cara Allah beritahu yang dia sayangkan Farahin. Allah Maha Tahu betapa Farahin nak cederakan diri. Dan Allah Maha Tahu betapa peritnya Farahin cuba pertahankan logik dan hukum agama yang cederakan diri itu haram dan besar dosanya. Allah Maha Tahu betapa hina dan kejinya diri ni rasa setiap kali perasaan tu datang. Jadi mungkin Allah datangkan luka-luka kecil ini ibarat menyatakan, "Kalau rasa sakit yang engkau mahukan, aku berikan. Tapi tetapkan terus hidup."

Luka sikit je. Tapi efek dia agak menyusahkan. Nak pegang gayung susah. Nak pulas tombol pintu susah. Nak ambil wuduk kasi gosok-gosok sikit anggota tu pun susah. Luka sikit je tapi banyak perkara yang jadi terganggu atau kurang selesa untuk dikerjakan. Ini luka fizikal. Sikit je dah ada dugaannya. Apatah lagi luka emosi dan mental? Luka fizikal kita nampak. Mudah nak rawat macam mana sebab kita boleh agak sedalam dan sebesar mana. Walaupun sikit je, tetap kita rawat dan kawal pergerakan. Paling comel kita bagi tiup-tiup gitu. Memang itu refleks kita sebagai manusia kepada luka dan rasa sakit.

Tapi kenapa luka mental kita endahkan? Adakah cuma sebab ianya tak terlihat? Tapi bukankah sakitnya kita rasa? Kenapa kita buat-buat tak ada apa-apa dan biarkan hanya dengan alasan "tak apa. aku okey." lepas tu terus tutup buku. Kita tak tengok pun. Tak kasi tiup-tiup manja pun. Kata fikir selagi boleh tahan, kita tahan. Ibarat kaki tu kalau tercucuk duri kecil, selagi boleh jalan kita bawa berjalan. Rasanya apa jadi dekat kaki tu nanti? Sakit tetap sakit. Boleh jadi jangkitan kuman. Boleh jadi duri tu lama-lama merayap dalam salur darah dan terus je jantung. Kalau dah sampai jantung, cerita dia bukan luka dah. Maut.

Farahin tak kata kita perlu terlalu emosi. Hakikatnya, tiada istilah ini dalam kamus individu. Setiap orang ada tahap ketahanan masing-masing. Yang kecil bagi kita mungkin besar bagi orang lain. Yang seronok bagi kita mungkin tidak bagi mereka. Memang susah nak jadi seorang yang memahami. Hakikatnya juga kita cuma manusia yang terbatas pengetahuannya. Tapi kita boleh tunjukkan hormat. Hormat dengan pilihan seseorang. Hormat dengan keputusan seseorang. Hormat dengan perasaan seseorang. Hormat tak bermakna kita menerima atau setuju bulat-bulat dengan seseorang itu. Tapi kita hormat lumrah dunia yang setiap dari kita ada perbezaan dan keunikkannya. Serupa macam DNA. Malah peratus paling tinggi DNA yang ada keserasian adalah 99.99%. Tiada yang 100%. Tiada yang sempurna di dunia ini.

Okeylah. Dah nak 8.30 malam. Farahin kena dinner lepas tu makan ubat. Ishak pula. Kalau rajin, mungkin Farahin akan sambung certain tasks from university. Kalau tak, Farahin terus je landing atas katil hahahaha. Until here, I put the end of this post. Take care and goodnight! See you later. Bubye =)




Take care of your mental health just like you take care of your physical health



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That Was How I Became His Follower

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for three days grace never too late gif
Hello, peeps! Morning! Wait...it is still morning, right?
Since Farahin mula makan ubat, one of the good and new things are
Farahin mudah tidur dan bangun. But there were still times
I didn't want to leave the bed lol.

Anyway, how are you today? Working? Having class?
All the best in whatever you're doing right now.
Not anyone can make effort as much as you do.

Okay. Enough with my sweet greeting. Let's get to the point! But first, do read the title please. Nevermind if you don't want to sebab I'll rephrase it here again. Today post is gonna be about how I became someone (his) follower. His tu siapa? Well, let's get to the new line. Or...paragraph? haha

It was right after or maybe later when a male friend suddenly cut our connection. I thought we were friends enough to trust and help each other. Yet his last message was, "Maaf, Ain. Sampai sini je lah kita kawan ya." And it was too sudden and too bland. Duh! It seemed he had problem with our other female friend who also my best friend yet he cut me off too? Seriously I still don't get his logic until now.

Later, I figured out he even cut us both from socmed. I was curious if he even blocked us so I searched for him on ig. The dumb part was I didn't even remember his username and even the right spelling of his name lmao. So I just randomly typed it down and searched. Then, I found this one account which seemed like his. It was private so I could not find way to confirm. Just simply hit the follow button. Thought I would confirm the account later.

After the account owner approved me as his follower, I came to know that he wasn't the one I was looking for. However, there was something about this account owner that caught my deep attention. He is a schizophrenia patient.

Since then, I had became his follower. Sometimes I do check on his profile. He is just an ordinary married guy who is still young. But I like his open vibe sharing about his illness. There were times I seemed could sense his depressed vibe. And of course, not all the times. He is still a lively person as far as I see.

Now thinking it back on how I accidentally became a schizophrenia patient's ig follower, something told me that it wasn't just that. This also could be a sign of love from Allah. Telling me, comforting me, loving me, reminding me, that I'm not alone.

Of course, his illness is far worst than mine and he has been on medication for years even done with ECT. But he somehow played a part of encouraging me that what worst is worst. No need to compare our situation with others. It is either a matter of you still can handle it by yourself or it's time to get the help. I think it has been 1 to 2 years I'm following him. Looking forward to his better day after many many many efforts.

Until here, I end this today post.
See you later. Bubye =)





You have your right and it may be different from others and that is alright.






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Invalid Stigma

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for yato noragami smile gif
Hello, people! Apa khabar semuanya?
Malam semakin kelam, dah bentang tilam? haha
Right now Farahin tengah berkelah depan bilik.
Sekali mengetest wifi baru hihi.

Lupa nak update dekat previous post. Ceh! Acah je. Actually, I wasn't in mood nak sembang panjang. But tonight, maybe I can make it. Maybe lah. Jadi this semester Farahin tak stay asrama. First time ever duduk luar kampus. Rumah kedai je ni ha. First time juga naik bas seorang pergi kampus. Sempat naik je sebab balik tu ada kawan murah hati nak tumpangkan kereta dia. Kite onnnnn je!

Last night, I had my september second cry. I was having my anxiety bedtime. Jantung degup laju, nafas pendek, rasa mengah, fikiran serabut and my body could feel the tension. Sejam pejam mata but still tak tidur. Tekak pun dah kering berzikir. Jadi Farahin usha whatsapp. Saje kacau bestie pukul 2.00 pagi. Rupanya dia pun belum tidur sebab menahan sakit perut. And so we begun our pillow talk.

About 10 minutes later, dah melawak mengadu domba semua mata Farahin suddenly basah. I started to cry. Mula-mula sikit je but then I lost the control. Bangun, duduk, and so I cried as much as myself wanted to sambil istighfar. I could not tell it in this few days but last night, I realized, I could tell that I was overwhelmed.

I had extreme fear and very low confident for this semester. And still I am. About things. My final year project yang Farahin belum mula buat lagi pun. About this new environment and routine. Dengan masalah air dekat rumah ni. And then I'm kind of become a negotiator between tuan rumah and penyewa. The responsibility, the feel of feeling having responsibility, the feel of having responsibility, those had putted me into pressure but I think I was spontaneously numbed it all.

Bangun pagi tadi Farahin memang rasa lesu. Bila dapat whatsapp tuan rumah minta update pasal air, lembik lah juga diri ni nak pergi tengok air tu. Penatnya lain macam. Buat teringat dekat latihan kawad kaki untuk tauliah sispa tahun lepas haha. Tengah hari pula memang tidur saja. Itupun susah sebab badan memang panat sampai tahap rasa restless and same goes with selera makan. But malam ni, right now I'm a little bit okay but still tired.

Eh! Panjang melalut pasal semalam rasa macam lari tajuk pula. Farahin ada juga share dengan housemates about my depression. I like the feeling how calm I was when I told them about it. I wasn't like that a few months ago. Masih nervous dan bimbang but I think I'm already start to get a hold of it a little bit. Alhamdulillah. I like how I'm trying not to be prejudice toward myself and working on breaking the stigma dalam masyarakat kita. At least, around me. I'm taking advantage on my attitude of being open minded and my new lesson in keep my thoughts and emotions valid whatever they look or feel like.

Until here, I put the end of this tonight post.
Have a good rest everyone and good night!
See you. Bubye =)





Feel whatever you are feeling. That is what it does. It is okay.





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New (Extended) Semester

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for anime keyboard gif
Hello, peeps! Apa khabar semuanya?
Ohmyy dah sebulan tak buka laptop, tak usha blog.
I'm kinda feeling awkward right now.
Ingat bila jarang menulis je jari rasa keras.
Rupanya tak main tekan-tekan keyboard pun boleh buat jari rasa keras haha.
Nasib baik laptop hidup lagi lol. Alhamdulillah

Hari ni bermulanya new semester. As for me, it's my 5th year then. Generally, I'm feeling nervous and excited. But deeply, I'm feeling anxious and burden. Not sure either to think about it or not but I end up spontaneously numb it all because that's what I used to do. I'm still trying to change this bad habit though but it's not as easy as it's spoken.

Obviously, I had skipped my August blogging moment lol. Jadi meh Farahin update sikit what had happened last month. Hujung bulan July, I finally started to bring myself to the psychiatry. Masa buat pemeriksaan blood pressure, my bp was high. Medical assistant gelabah. Doktor yang Farahin jumpa dekat klinik pesakit luar pun serang Farahin dengan soalan-soalan yang lebih menggelabahkan. Later, jumpa doktor psikiatri baru chill. She was such a soft spoken person.

I already made three appointments. Bermakna dah sebulan juga Farahin makan ubat. Tapi sebab I had to come back to university, jadi Farahin kena transfer hospital. Surat doktor ada je duduk diam dalam fail. Tak tahu lagi bila nak pergi hospital sini. Baki ubat pun tahan dalam 2 minggu je. Maybe esok atau lusa hehe.

Now I'm writing it down, I'm kinda feeling heavy. I'm indeed feeling anxious about this semester. Farahin dah tak ada kelas. Cuma have to work on final year project and get prepare for practical on next semester. But those are a lot to me hiks. Bismillah. Moga Allah permudahkan semuanya.

Until here, I wish you good luck in anything you're doing right now!
See you later. Bubye =)





It's okay. It's just a feeling. All you have to do is to feel and breath.






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Gratitude Act

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Assalamualaikum...
Related image
Hello, peeps! I think I would skip the long greeting today.
Enjoy your reading time! =)

To feel grateful and have gratitude, one of the ways is to remind ourselves of others people problems rather than complaining our own. Some of us would have complains about their family matters but then they remind themselves of someone's family matters such as divorce, abuse, poverty, and death. Of course there are much more complains not only family matters but what I would like to convey here is to those people who are still using this method and it really works, you do a very good job. Not everyone can be empathy to anyone.

However, I realized that this method may not helpful to some others. I may be included. Previously, long ago this method worked like magic and blessing to me. But recently, it doesn't works as much as I really want it. Gratitude is no more easy. To those some others, who are feeling the grief, helpless, and hopeless, you have done nothing wrong. Your problems are matter. Your complains are worth to be heard.

Maybe not all of us, maybe I, had done this "gratitude act" wrongly. I gave my best thought over people's problems and complains. The least I can do were listening and trying to understand their pains as much as possible. While at the moment, I pushed back my own complains and forced it into silent. All because of the idea "there is someone who are in more pain than I do. So, I should have stop complaining and keep it low." I disapproved my own complains when I approved others'.

How I want to say it to myself so much, that this is not normal. Because what normal is when you thought of someone's less you will learn to be grateful of what you're having now. But to admit this is not normal, I feel like I will add more disapproval towards myself. As if everything I had done was all wrong and only worth endless apologies. Even at this moment while I am writing this post.

To those who are feeling the same way I do, maybe we did things wrong but that's okay. At this moment, it's okay to vent our complains. It's okay to feel our problems are the worse. Maybe I, maybe we, don't belong to the first group. Maybe we are in the other group, who can focus on both our and other people problems. We listen to both our and their sides. Because to us, no one has less or more worse. What worse is worse.





Fairness is not a part of a whole, but a whole of many parts.








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A Diamond Shape Kite

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Image result for anime fly kite paper gif
a diamond shape kite
made of clean paper dream
and two magic bamboo stick
impatiently to leaves the ground
to witness the earth from all around
the kite is finally free to go and fly high
towards what it has been always longing
no other than the ocean of wide sky

a little knot at its holed center
a diamond shape kite is tied to a black string
from the ground its traces are deeply engraved
far down below what attached is the grief
a diamond shape kite can never get to leaves
higher it approaches, heavier it goes
still far from the universe than the curse
to earth gravity won't let it loose






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That Miserable Mind

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Image result for anime angry yukine noragami gif
thought i would do some drawing
prepared a ruler and an eraser
held a pencil on my right hand
but my mind went empty
the imagination won't get pretty
thought i would start with origami
a piece of red colored paper
a ruler to cut it straight
made fold after fold into a shape of triangle
needed for scissor but wasn't found
dug into books stacks and other stationery
nothing like scissor but my miserable mind
threw an old broken headphone which once I fond
hit hardly against the wall before it fall into a box
shit! crashed onto the bed with song to my ears
staring at black screen of my laptop
turned the power on and waited
thought i should write something
with a word spelled "thought"










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The Second Lesson : Math

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for anime drawing gif
Hello, people! How're you doing?
Have you had your lunch?
I just finished mine and I am feeling quite elevated to make this post.
This is the first very real post of this July after a few drops of poem lol.
So let's give it a go. Enjoy your reading time!

Since my second breaking point, I have been keep mentioning from my a few previous posts that this time is different for me. Something is getting worst. Something which I don't even really know how accurate my calculation about it. I just feel that way. However, behind and between those overwhelming negative emotions, I think I am getting my second lesson right now. If the first taught me about self love or maybe I was actually confused it with self affection, this time I learned about self expression.

I had realized this long ago even before my first breaking point. I do have resentments, disappointments, angers, sadness and other more emotions that I never express and let it out. I frightened the judgement of people around me and even me claimed myself for being oversensitive. So I pushed those feelings away, hid it deeper inside me, like those difficult mathematics questions that I did not want to spare my little time to figure them out or at least read the questions fully.

I noticed I had been piling up those unfinished homework. Made them looked like paper trash while they were actually important documents. And when those papers had been too high to balance their stand, they fall on me like a massive stone which that was my second breaking point.

I thought I have been wonderfully open, approachable, understanding, accepting and positive about my surrounding. I did but maybe not yet fully hundred percent. Maybe not even half of it. I realized those are just a part of self love which is self affection. I accepted my flaws, tried to understand my surrounding and the people, opened at both mind and heart, and embraced my positive vibes while I actually still didn't get the homework done. My mathematics questions.

Maybe it is not only me but most of us are confused about good vibes. I learned it is not only about how great or mood today, what's the new experience, accomplishment, who do we hanging out with or meeting today and more good things that happened. It also about how bad our mood today, what's the little efforts we made, that very little progress, who do we find in ourselves today and more negatives vibes after another.

Even though we could not figure out the why and what, feelings are made to be felt either bad or good. Pretending we're okay and forcing ourselves to feel okay are small attempts of pushing away those emotions that we think they are bad and poisonous. It's okay to feel what you feel. It's okay to cry when we feel like to cry even though we don't know the significant reason. It's okay to feel angry, hurt, sensitive, and emotional. Even our prophets felt those. But they kept it in control. Just right in the boundary. We can volume up the speaker as high as we can but not to the point of disturbing the neighbors. We supposed to do it in our boundary or area. In other word, controlled.

I know I have been moody most of the times since my second breaking point. Little(*not serious) suicide thoughts came a few times in a month. Same goes with crying and other emotional things.But I think this is quite fair and perfectly square. I had been always acting and trying to be happy before, even to the point of pushing away other feelings was like a reflex, spontaneous and arrogant. So maybe this time it is okay to dwell a little bit more and express it a little bit often. Maybe this time is not the time to show self affection but self expression. I am going to read my mathematics questions properly even though I cannot figure out the answer yet. Bit by bit.

Until here, I put the end of this post.
I do have more to write. Maybe later.
When I have the right words to share with you guys.
Thank you for your time and concern!
Oh, and hello July! I am late again lol.
See you. xoxo =)










When you're feeling okay without trying to feel okay,
that means you're really really okay.





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Hi-tech Girl & The Magic Bottle

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She is a hi-tech girl
High power and durable
With her I feel compatible
Where possible is simply portable
And I become fast-rechargeable

For her I share my magic bottle
For me she paves most of hurdles
For us we let the emotions settle
And then we mix and shake
Mix and shake until it bubbles.


- July 10, 2019, 1:48 AM -







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A Three Leaves Little Plant

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Image result for anime flower sky
Something small and alone
Standing at the end of edge
Longing for the high sun
Yet still embracing the earth

It is a three leaves little plant
Sprouting from the cracked concrete
Gripping its root through the cold
At the highest place of old rooftop

How beautiful and daring
But dangerous and challenging
Must be the wind blew it away from home
Or maybe it is the fungi where it was born from.


- July 8, 2019, 9:37 PM -






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Mind In The Space

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Image result for anime dark sky star black whiteOne mind
and the space
hollow universe
with stone-like sorrow
wandering around directionless
sinking deeply into void
floating high up to the emptiness
a usual dark and peaceful adventure
until sleep vanished it all.



- July 8, 2019, 2:07 AM -













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Wonder Wall

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Image result for anime skull black whiteThat wonder wall
always stand thick and tall
made up emotions after emotions
guilt that is built into blame
where selfless becomes fame
accumulate by sorrow and shame
frozen silence in cold emptiness
as hard as cracked skull
broken and dead.





- July 4, 2019, 11:16 PM -








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Echo

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Image result for anime water flower gif
Like echo in the thin air
You catch on my laugh
Bubble it up, shining
And then it pops, pop!
Rain of confetti, colorful
You celebrate my happiness
Capture more of my smile
Reflects on the glowing sparkles

Like echo in the thin air
You volume up my laugh
Louder than the loudest ever
More than the wicked growl
Howling wild like a proud pack
Let the forest stands straight
Hush down the darkness inside
And keep the moonlight stays bright


- July 4, 2019, 12:00 AM -







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Close

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Image result for anime black white lonelyThere is someone
Knocking on the door
Someone from the other side
Out of my reach and sight

There is someone
I hear you loud and clear
But I can't make the door open
It is there and has been always close

There is someone
I'm sorry that I can't invite you in
I'm not trapped but only stay in
I'm sorry that I have to keep you waiting.



- July 2, 2019, 12:53 AM -









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Bad Memories

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Related imageBetween the whistle of air
And the song of silence
It creeps and it slips
Through pieces of broken piece
The uninvited has comes
The reminiscing of memories
Bad memories

It tightens my chest
It blocks my breath
Chop, chop, chop
More pieces of pieces
Of broken piece
Shattering in harmony
Pricking the inside me
Insanely.

- June 25, 2019, 3:04 AM -            









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Weather

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Image result for girl look at skyLook! The storm is calm now
The sky is not yet bright yet still wide
Cloudy but no more gloomy
Feel the wind with less wavy
This weather makes me wonder
Will today will be tomorrow?
Will tomorrow won't be full of sorrow?
How I want it today not to end very quickly
But it is the weather
And I have no power
But only a wish in my prayer.



- June 27, 2019, 10:54 PM -







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Numb

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Image result for girl alone
The heat has comes
The cold makes me feel numb
The violence has becomes silence
Shall I feel lighten?
After nights that had been burned
Into ashes in the carven
It is very calm
Too warm
And strange


- June 24, 2019, 1:15 AM-







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Room

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Image result for room black white girl aloneBack to this room
Where the window has been always close
As well as the door with broken lock
Staring straight at white plain ceiling
Where fan is hanging and spinning fast
The after rain is still little freezing
I like how the temperature pressures my skin
Reminds me of that vague warmth of your palms
Whenever you brushed my hair with care
Or when you wrapped me in your arm with love
In this room I start to missing someone like you
Someone that can only be found in my imagination
Someone that is more more wonderful than dreams I had
Because fantasy works better than dream itself
-June 22, 2019, 4:29 PM-




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Gratitude

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Image result for dark room night black white candle
Gratitude, they say
For everything that is given and stay
For that given never change the owner
For that everything which is now slowly gone
Gratitude to the pain
To the grief that is going insane
For everything that is given
And stay



- June 20, 2019, 7:54 PM -









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Ceasefire

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Image result for dark room night black whiteNight is getting way colder
No sheet, no cover
Lying down on the same old bed
Same cold
It is very quiet
Does the demon is now sleeping?
Or actually cunningly hiding?
I rest my shoulders
And stretch my back
Maybe tonight is the moment
Ceasefire but stay prepare
Because the demon is still there.


- June 20, 2019, 2:13 AM -



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Remember Me By My Name

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Assalamualaikum...
Related image
Hello, peeps! How was your day?
Masih beraya ke? Hati-hati. Haha
Sementara menghadamkan kuih raya tu,
meh jemput baca post ni. Hehe

Recently, mood bujo Farahin datang semula. Dah macam bermusim pula. Yang tak tahu apa benda bujo tu, nama penuhnya bullet journal. Something more like planner and diaries. Even though Farahin tak hebat dalam planning, I just do what I want to do with my bujo. It's my bujo after all lol.

That's the introduction. Ceritanya yang ini. So today I reminisced the same bad memories again. About my childhood, school and more. I knew I can't help it. Farahin tak boleh nak paksa this mind of mine macam tekan suis lampu. It wasn't that easy anymore.

However, I decided not to let myself drowning deep into it. Tak tahu mana datang that strength. Tapi this few days mood Farahin so-so. Not too bad, not too good either. I think one of the reasons mungkin hasil dari masa Farahin spend layankan bujo and train my creative side of my mind.

Jadi within all those bad memories, slowly I decided to pause it at a few moments. Moments which friends and people, even relatives gave me names. Nicknames --- Budak/Anak Cina, Joyah, Sepet, Budak Jepun, Oshin, Budak Kpop, Suju.

I know. Some of y'all mesti rasa those names macam mencaci. And I know. Some of y'all can take it positively. I learned it in a very hard way to see and hear that name positively. Ya. Mula-mula memang rasa macam orang ketawakan kita. Judged me in a way I never asked for. Tapi fortunately, painfully, difficultly, I tried to learn that there were nothing wrong about those names.

Budak/Anak Cina --- Ya. Nenek moyang aku ada darah cina.
Joyah --- Ya. Aku kepoh masa budak-budak dulu.
Sepet --- Ya. Mata aku sepet.
Budak Jepun --- Ya. I can relate to that.
Oshin --- Ya. Drama tu femes, kan? I can relate to that too.
Budak Kpop --- Ya. Aku tahu. Memang minat aku.
Suju --- Ya. Itu nama maya aku.

Ya. Those name muncul dalam cara yang Farahin susah nak terima, kecuali Budak Kpop dan Suju. Munculnya ia buat Farahin rasa kecil dan hina. Buat Farahin tertanya-tanya "kenapa panggil aku macam tu?" Tapi Farahin bukan orang yang pantas bertanya kenapa kepada sesiapa sahaja. Sebaliknya, Farahin cari sendiri jawapannya dalam otak Farahin yang pada ketika itu masih sedang membina.

Susahnya. Susahnya seorang budak perempuan nak kenal logik sebuah pemikiran positif pada masa itu. Tapi akhirnya Farahin dapat juga bina pemahaman sendiri. Tak apa. Mungkin itu cara orang nak kenal aku. Mungkin dengan nama-nama begitu buat mereka senang nak ingat aku. Jadi Farahin membesar dengan pemahaman ini.

Cuma bila nama Budak Kpop dan Suju tu muncul, Farahin baru reti tunjuk protes. Kalau kau kenal aku, kalau kau tahu nama aku, panggil aku dengan nama aku. Aku faham pasal gelaran umum Budak Kpop dalam kalangan orang kita. Tapi Suju (Elfarahin) cuma wujud di alam maya. Kalau kau kawan aku, panggil aku dengan nama aku.

Farahin appreciated cara diaorang approached Farahin. If that name made them interested to me. But who knows, tak semua orang can take it seriously as serious as I did. Ada sebab kenapa Farahin stay dengan nama Suju Elfarahin. Ya. Paling basic sebab I am that one of crazy fan, that is some people would called. But there is more about it which I can choose not to tell.

Sambil layankan emosi dan memori, Farahin doodled those names on my bujo. Creatively. Beautifully. Cutely. Menggigil tangan. Berpeluh sejuk. Dekat dada ni ada rasa sakit yang Farahin tahan. Tapi Farahin beritahu dekat diri, it's a healing. A painful healing, Farahin. Ada juga moments Farahin terketawa sendiri masa doodling sebab teringatkan muka-muka kelakar dan happy diaorang bila panggil Farahin dengan nama-nama tu.

Such a hard process, wasn't it? Farahin tahu bangun hanya bila Farahin jatuh. Farahin tahu sembuh hanya bila Farahin sakit. Tapi nak bangun tu bukan senang. Nak sembuh tu bukan sekejap. It doesn't matter what they called me. What matter is how. While some of them panggil Farahin with those names like it was common, there were some yang mungkin seakan mengejek.

I know we were too young. Apa yang kita tahu cuma ketawa dan berseronok. I understand. Tapi ia bukannya benda biasa yang patut dibiasakan. Besides we were too young, we were growing. Kulit benih tu masih bersisa. Akar pun tak cukup kuat. Baru kenal matahari. Nak bau tanah. Nak rasa air. Jadi jangan diperkecilkan. Jangan dibuat main sembarangan.

Jadi I have an advice to parents yang anak-anak masih kecil, masih muda, masih belajar hendak kenal dunia, ajarlah. Teach them to call people by their names. Teach them yang mak ayah kawan-kawannya susah payah beri nama kepadanya jadi panggilnya dengan nama yang betul. Sekalipun nak ditimang-timang dengan nama timangan, biarlah nama yang kawannya suka dan terima.

Farahin tak ada anak. Kahwin atau tak pun belum tahu. But I told this through my experiences. Through my memories and feelings. Through my pains. Yang lepas memang dah lepas. But I don't want to see more unnecessary hurting between us. I don't need to know their names, your names, to care. Because we are all human and we are worthy for each other.

Until here, I put an end of this post.
Thank you for your time and concern!
See you =)



People don't apologize not because they don't want to. They just can't. So at least, forgive them.





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I'm Sorry

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Assalamualaikum...

Related image

Hello, peeps! Apa khabar semuanya?
Dah nak masuk minggu kedua raya ni. Masih meriah lagi ke? Hehe

Malam ni Farahin nak berkongsi cerita tentang apa yang jadi seharian ini. Mungkin cerita ni agak sedih. Mungkin juga boleh jadi cerita yang beracun. Sekadar pemberitahuan awal kalau korang memang nak teruskan membaca.

Mood Farahin memang tak berapa baik beberapa hari ni. Mungkin dua atau sudah tiga hari. Ada perasaan memberat dalam hati ni. Hendak ditangis tak pula air mata mengalir. Hendak dimarah tak ada juga sebabnya. Macam biasa, bilik memang jadi tempat Farahin melayan perasaan dan khayalan. Hobi paling kerap dua tiga hari ni ialah menonton Problematic Men. Seronok layankan kuiz-kuiz ajaib dari variety show ni. Farahin masih boleh ketawa layankan lawak-lawak yang diselitkan mereka. Tapi perasaan tu tetap pergi dan kembali menghantui.

Tengah hari tadi keluarga mak ngah datang beraya. Farahin boleh dengar riuh rendah diorang dari bilik. Farahin ada niat nak jumpa diorang. Ada rasa, "Aku nak jumpa diorang yang sayangkan aku ni." Tapi Farahin tak rasa nak tunaikan niat tu. Farahin tak rasa nak beramah dengan ramai orang. Farahin tak rasa nak paksa diri senyum-senyum dan akhirnya rasa bersalah sendiri sebab berpura-pura. Jadi Farahin tetap di bilik. Tapi tetap juga Farahin ada rasa bersalah dan biadap sebab tak sambut keluarga mak ngah yang memang saudara paling Farahin rapat.

Lepas maghrib tadi pula mak ajak beraya ke rumah mak we(hawa). Makcik Farahin juga. Rumahnya depan rumah Farahin je. Tapi Farahin masih dengan rasa tak nak ke mana-mana. Perut Farahin pun rasa tak sedap masa tu. Mungkin masuk angin atau sebab Farahin tak membuang dua hari ni. Sebab rutin sihat Farahin dalam sehari mesti ada sekali membuang. Nampak Farahin lemah macam tak sihat, mak tanya kenapa jadi Farahin jawab saja sakit perut. Padahal sakit perut tu tak ada lah teruk sangat macam gastrik. Mak siap turun naik balik bawa minyak angin untuk Farahin. Farahin rasa bersalah lagi. Bukan niat nak menipu tapi alasan "malas" atau "tak nak" tu macam tak nak keluar dari mulut.

Lepas isyak Farahin turun nak makan. Ayah pula tanya "sakit perut ke? makan pocai tu." Farahin jawab saja masuk angin. Mak ada beritahu mak we ada bagi lauk sayur lodeh jadi Farahin makan lauk yang mak we bagi tu. Datang lagi rasa bersalah sebab tak pergi rumah mak we. Siap makan, Farahin bancuh air teh O. Teringat cakap mak tadi minum air panas mungkin boleh legakan sikit sakit perut. Sambil melepak dekat dapur minum air teh O, ayah tanya lagi "makan pocai tu. ke nak pergi hospital?" Berat mulut ni nak bercakap, nak mejawab. Rasa macam kena kunci. Perlahan Farahin jawab tak payah tapi ayah tak dengar jadi Farah jawab dengan suara yang keras. Suara yang memang Farahin biasa guna bila Farahin rasa rimas dan tak puas hati dengan sesuatu keadaan atau seseorang. Tapi masa tu yang Farahin rimaskan ialah perasaan ni. Yang Farahin rasa tak puas hati tu ialah diri ni.

Habis minum, Farahin balik ke bilik dan karangkan cerita ni dekat notepad sementara tunggu bateri phone cukup makan sebelum Farahin sambungkan hotspot. Ada pemikiran-pemikiran kolot yang muncul. Sakit perut cukup untuk buat ayah Farahin bertanya "nak pergi hospital ke?" Tapi mengadunya Farahin selepas tujuh tahun menanggung sendiri rasa murung dan serba tak kena ni cukup hanya sampai penyataan "tak ada apalah. ingat Allah banyak-banyak."

Sejujurnya, Farahin memang dah tawar hati nak jumpa doktor. Fikirkan selepas Farahin tebal muka menahan rasa kecil dan lemahnya diri ini, menangis, merintih membuka rahsia yang bukan mudah untuk Farahin buka tidak cuma kepada mak ayah, dekat kaunselor, pegawai kesihatan universiti, supervisor projek tahun akhir, staff di fakulti, jururawat di hospital, di twitter, di sini, tapi tetap juga Farahin menanggungnya sendiri dengan semangat yang meruntuh ini. Dengan iman yang rapuh. Percaya kepada diri ni sudah kurang. Tujuh tahun Farahin cuba membina semula diri ini sekali menanggung sakit ini dan kali ini ia jatuh lagi. Runtuh lagi. Berapa lama lagi agaknya baru diri ni terbina semula?

Sampai sini sahaja cerita Farahin.
Yang lainnya biarlah jadi simpanan peribadi.
Maaf kalau rasa geli-geli dengan ayat rencah novel dalam post kali ini haha.
Terima kasih!
See you =)



when the waves are too strong and it goes too long, even to sail safely is impossible when the boat itself is falling apart because of the waves.



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Track My Mood

Posted by | On | | 1 Comments
Assalamualaikum...
Image result for koro sensei moods gif
Hello, peeps! How are you today?
I am still doing fine it's just I don't feel quite okay today.
Maybe it's just simply another mood swing.
So you can say that's why I'm here.
Only to give myself a little good distraction.

Today post may not as complicated as my other posts. I just want to share with you guys about this one application that I have been using for almost two months. It's a mobile application uses as mood tracker named Moodpath.

Before this, I had tried to make a bullet journal. It was sort of fun having that fancy diary with other sort of things like mood tracker, habit tracker, to-do list, appointment and more. Unfortunately, I can't help to not being consistent to make it because I was too lazy and most of the time I just lost a purpose of it. However, I love tracking my mood. I enjoyed giving thoughts how I was feeling daily. But that wasn't the only reason I installed Moodpath on my phone. It was because I wanted to learn myself.

Moodpath is a mood tracker made specially for those who are having depression and anxiety. It supervises my mood thrice a day -- morning, afternoon, and evening. It also has a space where the user can expresses their thoughts, emotions, and experiences through writing. Daily series of question will be given three times to help its user identify any symptomps of depression and anxiety. There will be insights or sort of short articles shared to the user too to assist the user take control over their overwhelming emotions. I rarely pay attention on this part but I did a quick reading yesterday and it wasn't bad. Every two weeks, it will gives its user the result based on the tracked mood. I am now on my third two-weeks mood tracking.

Since I started using this mood tracker, I'm more aware and alert on my mood changes. Even though I am now in my sixth week using it, it's still unbelievable to me how I actually able have various moods in just a day. And even when I had been feeling okay for almost a week until yesterday, I can't help to not being cautious "is it okay to feel this okay?". Because I had been all over the places for weeks and had a constant pattern of feeling good was just kind of worry me.

For those who are looking for a mood tracker, you may give it a try. Even for you who just love tracking mood for fun. Even though it is made specially for depression and anxiety purpose, i think if someone healthy make use of it won't be hurt too. Who knows maybe it can boost your positive vibe too, looking on how good you were doing daily.

Until here, I put an end of this post.
Enjoy your day and all the best!
See you =)




Emotions are like waves. Sail on it as best as you could and keep the boat safe.



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Mutual

Posted by | On | | 4 Comments
Assalamualaikum...
Image result for dhuha surah verse 7 quotes
Hello, peeps! Good night y'all. How's your raya?
I have been staying at home all day long.
It's cold here since it was raining since morning
and only just stopped in the evening.
Tonight post will be something I have been thinking for weeks.
So, enjoy your reading time and don't forget to leave a comment!

A friend said, a doctor won't treats his or her patients are all same. It's all based on their condition, disease and necessity. I repeated this words in my mind for many times. Even though I had it stopped, it would came back after awhile. Along with that, I was thinking how we human normally demand for something equal. Something similar. We claim that is how being fair means. However, I had another thought. I have been noticed this since I was a child which we human were used to lie and we're still. This includes someone who are not really good at lying or simply bad at it. I don't mind about this one behavior of us. But what do I mind is how we use it.

As a person as well as a friend, I won't ask in regret "Why don't you treat me just like the way I treat you?". Instead of that, I ask in disappointment "I hope you just simply appreciate my existence". I don't ask for a payback. I simply ask for a "Thank you". In term of relationship between human, I think I can get use to three kinds. Firstly, I can be a friend to someone who need someone to listen to him or her. Secondly, I can be a friend to someone who just simply want to get to know each other. Thirdly, I can be a friend with benefits. Just in one condition, don't lie.

Firstly, I can be a friend to someone who need someone to listen to him or her. I would be glad if this kind of person approaches me with this kind of purpose. However, it would be better if this person comes without any other decorations like pretending to get close to me or does something sort of special that he or she never does before. If you believe me, just come to me and I will get my ears as well as my heart ready. You don't have to pretend or create any unnecessary lies and then suddenly left without trace. We don't have to get close to listen to each other.

Secondly, I can be a friend to someone who just simply want to get to know each other. I appreciate this kind of approach. Getting to know someone is like widen my knowledge and understanding over people. It's true and pure. However, if you come with hidden hopeful purpose like to make me a girlfriend or something else more, to me this kind of relationship is more serious and challenging because I will start to consider your feeling. It is also a challenge to me when i can sense a fake appearance of someone who intend to get to know me. I will start thinking if this person is actually not confident or just simply don't trust me. I don't need a mistrustful relationship.

Thirdly, I can be a friend with benefits. However, just so you know, I can make you my benefits too. I don't have prejudice over relationship with taking advantages as long as it's fair for both sides. What we called a toxic relationship is when it is all one sided and it's more like parasite than a mutual. I hope a person who approaches me with this kind of purpose would make it clear and no running around the bushes. I'm a warm person if you get to know me quite long but I'm also a cold person from the start and I'm always do.

At my side, I don't have to know someone's name just so I can pay my attention to that someone. As long as I want, I will. If I want to listen, I will. If I want to get to know someone or something, I will. If I want to let you benefit me, I will benefit you too. It's not simply a give and take operation but a comprimise act. Even if it is a fail, it is not completely fails. It is just another lesson. Start a greeting, give a help, make a business deal, there are more example of comprimise act.

How can I came out with these thoughts? It was when i realized that I have been always wanting something mutual. Something true even if it is far from logic. 5 does not only made of 3 plus 2, but also 1 plus 4, 10 divide 2, 5 multiply 1, square root of 25 and etc. Life itself applies the same formula to us. How something that we have do not belong to others, and so what they have may not ours too. It's not like we are given with something unequally but it's just simply in different way. Bukan tak sama. Tapi sama rata.

I know this post is kind of all over the places.
Well, that's just our human brain does things together with its best friend, emotions.
Until here, I put an end of this post. No offend. Just simply a personal thought.
Thank you for your time reading this until its last line.
See ya =)






Allah tak beri semua sama. Allah beri semua sama rata. Alhamdulillah.








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ELFollowers

just because i'm a mental illness patient, doesn't mean i'm less human. -06/11/2019-