Invalid Stigma

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, people! Apa khabar semuanya?

Malam semakin kelam, dah bentang tilam? haha

Right now Farahin tengah berkelah depan bilik.

Sekali mengetest wifi baru hihi.

Lupa nak update dekat previous post. Ceh! Acah je. Actually, I wasn't in mood nak sembang panjang. But tonight, maybe I can make it. Maybe lah. Jadi this semester Farahin tak stay asrama. First time ever duduk luar kampus. Rumah kedai je ni ha. First time juga naik bas seorang pergi kampus. Sempat naik je sebab balik tu ada kawan murah hati nak tumpangkan kereta dia. Kite onnnnn je!

Last night, I had my september second cry. I was having my anxiety bedtime. Jantung degup laju, nafas pendek, rasa mengah, fikiran serabut and my body could feel the tension. Sejam pejam mata but still tak tidur. Tekak pun dah kering berzikir. Jadi Farahin usha whatsapp. Saje kacau bestie pukul 2.00 pagi. Rupanya dia pun belum tidur sebab menahan sakit perut. And so we begun our pillow talk.

About 10 minutes later, dah melawak mengadu domba semua mata Farahin suddenly basah. I started to cry. Mula-mula sikit je but then I lost the control. Bangun, duduk, and so I cried as much as myself wanted to sambil istighfar. I could not tell it in this few days but last night, I realized, I could tell that I was overwhelmed.

I had extreme fear and very low confident for this semester. And still I am. About things. My final year project yang Farahin belum mula buat lagi pun. About this new environment and routine. Dengan masalah air dekat rumah ni. And then I'm kind of become a negotiator between tuan rumah and penyewa. The responsibility, the feel of feeling having responsibility, the feel of having responsibility, those had putted me into pressure but I think I was spontaneously numbed it all.

Bangun pagi tadi Farahin memang rasa lesu. Bila dapat whatsapp tuan rumah minta update pasal air, lembik lah juga diri ni nak pergi tengok air tu. Penatnya lain macam. Buat teringat dekat latihan kawad kaki untuk tauliah sispa tahun lepas haha. Tengah hari pula memang tidur saja. Itupun susah sebab badan memang panat sampai tahap rasa restless and same goes with selera makan. But malam ni, right now I'm a little bit okay but still tired.

Eh! Panjang melalut pasal semalam rasa macam lari tajuk pula. Farahin ada juga share dengan housemates about my depression. I like the feeling how calm I was when I told them about it. I wasn't like that a few months ago. Masih nervous dan bimbang but I think I'm already start to get a hold of it a little bit. Alhamdulillah. I like how I'm trying not to be prejudice toward myself and working on breaking the stigma dalam masyarakat kita. At least, around me. I'm taking advantage on my attitude of being open minded and my new lesson in keep my thoughts and emotions valid whatever they look or feel like.

Until here, I put the end of this tonight post.

Have a good rest everyone and good night!

See you. Bubye =)

Feel whatever you are feeling. That is what it does. It is okay.

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New (Extended) Semester

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! Apa khabar semuanya?

Ohmyy dah sebulan tak buka laptop, tak usha blog.

I'm kinda feeling awkward right now.

Ingat bila jarang menulis je jari rasa keras.

Rupanya tak main tekan-tekan keyboard pun boleh buat jari rasa keras haha.

Nasib baik laptop hidup lagi lol. Alhamdulillah

Hari ni bermulanya new semester. As for me, it's my 5th year then. Generally, I'm feeling nervous and excited. But deeply, I'm feeling anxious and burden. Not sure either to think about it or not but I end up spontaneously numb it all because that's what I used to do. I'm still trying to change this bad habit though but it's not as easy as it's spoken.

Obviously, I had skipped my August blogging moment lol. Jadi meh Farahin update sikit what had happened last month. Hujung bulan July, I finally started to bring myself to the psychiatry. Masa buat pemeriksaan blood pressure, my bp was high. Medical assistant gelabah. Doktor yang Farahin jumpa dekat klinik pesakit luar pun serang Farahin dengan soalan-soalan yang lebih menggelabahkan. Later, jumpa doktor psikiatri baru chill. She was such a soft spoken person.

I already made three appointments. Bermakna dah sebulan juga Farahin makan ubat. Tapi sebab I had to come back to university, jadi Farahin kena transfer hospital. Surat doktor ada je duduk diam dalam fail. Tak tahu lagi bila nak pergi hospital sini. Baki ubat pun tahan dalam 2 minggu je. Maybe esok atau lusa hehe.

Now I'm writing it down, I'm kinda feeling heavy. I'm indeed feeling anxious about this semester. Farahin dah tak ada kelas. Cuma have to work on final year project and get prepare for practical on next semester. But those are a lot to me hiks. Bismillah. Moga Allah permudahkan semuanya.

Until here, I wish you good luck in anything you're doing right now!

See you later. Bubye =)

It's okay. It's just a feeling. All you have to do is to feel and breath.

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Gratitude Act

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! I think I would skip the long greeting today.

Enjoy your reading time! =)

To feel grateful and have gratitude, one of the ways is to remind ourselves of others people problems rather than complaining our own. Some of us would have complains about their family matters but then they remind themselves of someone's family matters such as divorce, abuse, poverty, and death. Of course there are much more complains not only family matters but what I would like to convey here is to those people who are still using this method and it really works, you do a very good job. Not everyone can be empathy to anyone.

However, I realized that this method may not helpful to some others. I may be included. Previously, long ago this method worked like magic and blessing to me. But recently, it doesn't works as much as I really want it. Gratitude is no more easy. To those some others, who are feeling the grief, helpless, and hopeless, you have done nothing wrong. Your problems are matter. Your complains are worth to be heard.

Maybe not all of us, maybe I, had done this "gratitude act" wrongly. I gave my best thought over people's problems and complains. The least I can do were listening and trying to understand their pains as much as possible. While at the moment, I pushed back my own complains and forced it into silent. All because of the idea "there is someone who are in more pain than I do. So, I should have stop complaining and keep it low." I disapproved my own complains when I approved others'.

How I want to say it to myself so much, that this is not normal. Because what normal is when you thought of someone's less you will learn to be grateful of what you're having now. But to admit this is not normal, I feel like I will add more disapproval towards myself. As if everything I had done was all wrong and only worth endless apologies. Even at this moment while I am writing this post.

To those who are feeling the same way I do, maybe we did things wrong but that's okay. At this moment, it's okay to vent our complains. It's okay to feel our problems are the worse. Maybe I, maybe we, don't belong to the first group. Maybe we are in the other group, who can focus on both our and other people problems. We listen to both our and their sides. Because to us, no one has less or more worse. What worse is worse.

Fairness is not a part of a whole, but a whole of many parts.

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A Diamond Shape Kite

a diamond shape kite

made of clean paper dream

and two magic bamboo stick

impatiently to leaves the ground

to witness the earth from all around

the kite is finally free to go and fly high

towards what it has been always longing

no other than the ocean of wide sky

a little knot at its holed center

a diamond shape kite is tied to a black string

from the ground its traces are deeply engraved

far down below what attached is the grief

a diamond shape kite can never get to leaves

higher it approaches, heavier it goes

still far from the universe than the curse

to earth gravity won't let it loose

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That Miserable Mind

thought i would do some drawing

prepared a ruler and an eraser

held a pencil on my right hand

but my mind went empty

the imagination won't get pretty

thought i would start with origami

a piece of red colored paper

a ruler to cut it straight

made fold after fold into a shape of triangle

needed for scissor but wasn't found

dug into books stacks and other stationery

nothing like scissor but my miserable mind

threw an old broken headphone which once I fond

hit hardly against the wall before it fall into a box

shit! crashed onto the bed with song to my ears

staring at black screen of my laptop

turned the power on and waited

thought i should write something

with a word spelled "thought"

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The Second Lesson : Math

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, people! How're you doing?

Have you had your lunch?

I just finished mine and I am feeling quite elevated to make this post.

This is the first very real post of this July after a few drops of poem lol.

So let's give it a go. Enjoy your reading time!

Since my second breaking point, I have been keep mentioning from my a few previous posts that this time is different for me. Something is getting worst. Something which I don't even really know how accurate my calculation about it. I just feel that way. However, behind and between those overwhelming negative emotions, I think I am getting my second lesson right now. If the first taught me about self love or maybe I was actually confused it with self affection, this time I learned about self expression.

I had realized this long ago even before my first breaking point. I do have resentments, disappointments, angers, sadness and other more emotions that I never express and let it out. I frightened the judgement of people around me and even me claimed myself for being oversensitive. So I pushed those feelings away, hid it deeper inside me, like those difficult mathematics questions that I did not want to spare my little time to figure them out or at least read the questions fully.

I noticed I had been piling up those unfinished homework. Made them looked like paper trash while they were actually important documents. And when those papers had been too high to balance their stand, they fall on me like a massive stone which that was my second breaking point.

I thought I have been wonderfully open, approachable, understanding, accepting and positive about my surrounding. I did but maybe not yet fully hundred percent. Maybe not even half of it. I realized those are just a part of self love which is self affection. I accepted my flaws, tried to understand my surrounding and the people, opened at both mind and heart, and embraced my positive vibes while I actually still didn't get the homework done. My mathematics questions.

Maybe it is not only me but most of us are confused about good vibes. I learned it is not only about how great or mood today, what's the new experience, accomplishment, who do we hanging out with or meeting today and more good things that happened. It also about how bad our mood today, what's the little efforts we made, that very little progress, who do we find in ourselves today and more negatives vibes after another.

Even though we could not figure out the why and what, feelings are made to be felt either bad or good. Pretending we're okay and forcing ourselves to feel okay are small attempts of pushing away those emotions that we think they are bad and poisonous. It's okay to feel what you feel. It's okay to cry when we feel like to cry even though we don't know the significant reason. It's okay to feel angry, hurt, sensitive, and emotional. Even our prophets felt those. But they kept it in control. Just right in the boundary. We can volume up the speaker as high as we can but not to the point of disturbing the neighbors. We supposed to do it in our boundary or area. In other word, controlled.

I know I have been moody most of the times since my second breaking point. Little(*not serious) suicide thoughts came a few times in a month. Same goes with crying and other emotional things.But I think this is quite fair and perfectly square. I had been always acting and trying to be happy before, even to the point of pushing away other feelings was like a reflex, spontaneous and arrogant. So maybe this time it is okay to dwell a little bit more and express it a little bit often. Maybe this time is not the time to show self affection but self expression. I am going to read my mathematics questions properly even though I cannot figure out the answer yet. Bit by bit.

Until here, I put the end of this post.

I do have more to write. Maybe later.

When I have the right words to share with you guys.

Thank you for your time and concern!

Oh, and hello July! I am late again lol.

See you. xoxo =)

When you're feeling okay without trying to feel okay,
that means you're really really okay.

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Hi-tech Girl & The Magic Bottle

She is a hi-tech girl
High power and durable
With her I feel compatible
Where possible is simply portable
And I become fast-rechargeable

For her I share my magic bottle
For me she paves most of hurdles
For us we let the emotions settle
And then we mix and shake
Mix and shake until it bubbles.


- July 10, 2019, 1:48 AM -

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A Three Leaves Little Plant

Something small and alone

Standing at the end of edge

Longing for the high sun

Yet still embracing the earth

It is a three leaves little plant

Sprouting from the cracked concrete

Gripping its root through the cold

At the highest place of old rooftop

How beautiful and daring

But dangerous and challenging

Must be the wind blew it away from home

Or maybe it is the fungi where it was born from.

- July 8, 2019, 9:37 PM -

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Mind In The Space

One mind
and the space
hollow universe
with stone-like sorrow
wandering around directionless
sinking deeply into void
floating high up to the emptiness
a usual dark and peaceful adventure
until sleep vanished it all.



- July 8, 2019, 2:07 AM -

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Wonder Wall

That wonder wall

always stand thick and tall

made up emotions after emotions

guilt that is built into blame

where selfless becomes fame

accumulate by sorrow and shame

frozen silence in cold emptiness

as hard as cracked skull

broken and dead.

- July 4, 2019, 11:16 PM -

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Echo

Like echo in the thin air

You catch on my laugh

Bubble it up, shining

And then it pops, pop!

Rain of confetti, colorful

You celebrate my happiness

Capture more of my smile

Reflects on the glowing sparkles

Like echo in the thin air

You volume up my laugh

Louder than the loudest ever

More than the wicked growl

Howling wild like a proud pack

Let the forest stands straight

Hush down the darkness inside

And keep the moonlight stays bright

- July 4, 2019, 12:00 AM -

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Close

There is someone

Knocking on the door

Someone from the other side

Out of my reach and sight

There is someone

I hear you loud and clear

But I can't make the door open

It is there and has been always close

There is someone

I'm sorry that I can't invite you in

I'm not trapped but only stay in

I'm sorry that I have to keep you waiting.

- July 2, 2019, 12:53 AM -

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Bad Memories

Between the whistle of air

And the song of silence

It creeps and it slips

Through pieces of broken piece

The uninvited has comes

The reminiscing of memories

Bad memories

It tightens my chest

It blocks my breath

Chop, chop, chop

More pieces of pieces

Of broken piece

Shattering in harmony

Pricking the inside me

Insanely.

- June 25, 2019, 3:04 AM -            

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Weather

Look! The storm is calm now

The sky is not yet bright yet still wide

Cloudy but no more gloomy

Feel the wind with less wavy

This weather makes me wonder

Will today will be tomorrow?

Will tomorrow won't be full of sorrow?

How I want it today not to end very quickly

But it is the weather

And I have no power

But only a wish in my prayer.

- June 27, 2019, 10:54 PM -

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Numb

The heat has comes

The cold makes me feel numb

The violence has becomes silence

Shall I feel lighten?

After nights that had been burned

Into ashes in the carven

It is very calm

Too warm

And strange


- June 24, 2019, 1:15 AM-

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Room

Back to this room

Where the window has been always close

As well as the door with broken lock

Staring straight at white plain ceiling

Where fan is hanging and spinning fast

The after rain is still little freezing

I like how the temperature pressures my skin

Reminds me of that vague warmth of your palms

Whenever you brushed my hair with care

Or when you wrapped me in your arm with love

In this room I start to missing someone like you

Someone that can only be found in my imagination

Someone that is more more wonderful than dreams I had

Because fantasy works better than dream itself

-June 22, 2019, 4:29 PM-

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Gratitude

Gratitude, they say

For everything that is given and stay

For that given never change the owner

For that everything which is now slowly gone

Gratitude to the pain

To the grief that is going insane

For everything that is given

And stay

- June 20, 2019, 7:54 PM -

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Ceasefire

Night is getting way colder

No sheet, no cover

Lying down on the same old bed

Same cold

It is very quiet

Does the demon is now sleeping?

Or actually cunningly hiding?

I rest my shoulders

And stretch my back

Maybe tonight is the moment

Ceasefire but stay prepare

Because the demon is still there.

- June 20, 2019, 2:13 AM -

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Remember Me By My Name

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! How was your day?

Masih beraya ke? Hati-hati. Haha

Sementara menghadamkan kuih raya tu,

meh jemput baca post ni. Hehe

Recently, mood bujo Farahin datang semula. Dah macam bermusim pula. Yang tak tahu apa benda bujo tu, nama penuhnya bullet journal. Something more like planner and diaries. Even though Farahin tak hebat dalam planning, I just do what I want to do with my bujo. It's my bujo after all lol.

That's the introduction. Ceritanya yang ini. So today I reminisced the same bad memories again. About my childhood, school and more. I knew I can't help it. Farahin tak boleh nak paksa this mind of mine macam tekan suis lampu. It wasn't that easy anymore.

However, I decided not to let myself drowning deep into it. Tak tahu mana datang that strength. Tapi this few days mood Farahin so-so. Not too bad, not too good either. I think one of the reasons mungkin hasil dari masa Farahin spend layankan bujo and train my creative side of my mind.

Jadi within all those bad memories, slowly I decided to pause it at a few moments. Moments which friends and people, even relatives gave me names. Nicknames --- Budak/Anak Cina, Joyah, Sepet, Budak Jepun, Oshin, Budak Kpop, Suju.

I know. Some of y'all mesti rasa those names macam mencaci. And I know. Some of y'all can take it positively. I learned it in a very hard way to see and hear that name positively. Ya. Mula-mula memang rasa macam orang ketawakan kita. Judged me in a way I never asked for. Tapi fortunately, painfully, difficultly, I tried to learn that there were nothing wrong about those names.

Budak/Anak Cina --- Ya. Nenek moyang aku ada darah cina.

Joyah --- Ya. Aku kepoh masa budak-budak dulu.

Sepet --- Ya. Mata aku sepet.

Budak Jepun --- Ya. I can relate to that.

Oshin --- Ya. Drama tu femes, kan? I can relate to that too.

Budak Kpop --- Ya. Aku tahu. Memang minat aku.

Suju --- Ya. Itu nama maya aku.

Ya. Those name muncul dalam cara yang Farahin susah nak terima, kecuali Budak Kpop dan Suju. Munculnya ia buat Farahin rasa kecil dan hina. Buat Farahin tertanya-tanya "kenapa panggil aku macam tu?" Tapi Farahin bukan orang yang pantas bertanya kenapa kepada sesiapa sahaja. Sebaliknya, Farahin cari sendiri jawapannya dalam otak Farahin yang pada ketika itu masih sedang membina.

Susahnya. Susahnya seorang budak perempuan nak kenal logik sebuah pemikiran positif pada masa itu. Tapi akhirnya Farahin dapat juga bina pemahaman sendiri. Tak apa. Mungkin itu cara orang nak kenal aku. Mungkin dengan nama-nama begitu buat mereka senang nak ingat aku. Jadi Farahin membesar dengan pemahaman ini.

Cuma bila nama Budak Kpop dan Suju tu muncul, Farahin baru reti tunjuk protes. Kalau kau kenal aku, kalau kau tahu nama aku, panggil aku dengan nama aku. Aku faham pasal gelaran umum Budak Kpop dalam kalangan orang kita. Tapi Suju (Elfarahin) cuma wujud di alam maya. Kalau kau kawan aku, panggil aku dengan nama aku.

Farahin appreciated cara diaorang approached Farahin. If that name made them interested to me. But who knows, tak semua orang can take it seriously as serious as I did. Ada sebab kenapa Farahin stay dengan nama Suju Elfarahin. Ya. Paling basic sebab I am that one of crazy fan, that is some people would called. But there is more about it which I can choose not to tell.

Sambil layankan emosi dan memori, Farahin doodled those names on my bujo. Creatively. Beautifully. Cutely. Menggigil tangan. Berpeluh sejuk. Dekat dada ni ada rasa sakit yang Farahin tahan. Tapi Farahin beritahu dekat diri, it's a healing. A painful healing, Farahin. Ada juga moments Farahin terketawa sendiri masa doodling sebab teringatkan muka-muka kelakar dan happy diaorang bila panggil Farahin dengan nama-nama tu.

Such a hard process, wasn't it? Farahin tahu bangun hanya bila Farahin jatuh. Farahin tahu sembuh hanya bila Farahin sakit. Tapi nak bangun tu bukan senang. Nak sembuh tu bukan sekejap. It doesn't matter what they called me. What matter is how. While some of them panggil Farahin with those names like it was common, there were some yang mungkin seakan mengejek.

I know we were too young. Apa yang kita tahu cuma ketawa dan berseronok. I understand. Tapi ia bukannya benda biasa yang patut dibiasakan. Besides we were too young, we were growing. Kulit benih tu masih bersisa. Akar pun tak cukup kuat. Baru kenal matahari. Nak bau tanah. Nak rasa air. Jadi jangan diperkecilkan. Jangan dibuat main sembarangan.

Jadi I have an advice to parents yang anak-anak masih kecil, masih muda, masih belajar hendak kenal dunia, ajarlah. Teach them to call people by their names. Teach them yang mak ayah kawan-kawannya susah payah beri nama kepadanya jadi panggilnya dengan nama yang betul. Sekalipun nak ditimang-timang dengan nama timangan, biarlah nama yang kawannya suka dan terima.

Farahin tak ada anak. Kahwin atau tak pun belum tahu. But I told this through my experiences. Through my memories and feelings. Through my pains. Yang lepas memang dah lepas. But I don't want to see more unnecessary hurting between us. I don't need to know their names, your names, to care. Because we are all human and we are worthy for each other.

Until here, I put an end of this post.

Thank you for your time and concern!

See you =)

People don't apologize not because they don't want to. They just can't. So at least, forgive them.

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I'm Sorry

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! Apa khabar semuanya?

Dah nak masuk minggu kedua raya ni. Masih meriah lagi ke? Hehe

Malam ni Farahin nak berkongsi cerita tentang apa yang jadi seharian ini. Mungkin cerita ni agak sedih. Mungkin juga boleh jadi cerita yang beracun. Sekadar pemberitahuan awal kalau korang memang nak teruskan membaca.

Mood Farahin memang tak berapa baik beberapa hari ni. Mungkin dua atau sudah tiga hari. Ada perasaan memberat dalam hati ni. Hendak ditangis tak pula air mata mengalir. Hendak dimarah tak ada juga sebabnya. Macam biasa, bilik memang jadi tempat Farahin melayan perasaan dan khayalan. Hobi paling kerap dua tiga hari ni ialah menonton Problematic Men. Seronok layankan kuiz-kuiz ajaib dari variety show ni. Farahin masih boleh ketawa layankan lawak-lawak yang diselitkan mereka. Tapi perasaan tu tetap pergi dan kembali menghantui.

Tengah hari tadi keluarga mak ngah datang beraya. Farahin boleh dengar riuh rendah diorang dari bilik. Farahin ada niat nak jumpa diorang. Ada rasa, "Aku nak jumpa diorang yang sayangkan aku ni." Tapi Farahin tak rasa nak tunaikan niat tu. Farahin tak rasa nak beramah dengan ramai orang. Farahin tak rasa nak paksa diri senyum-senyum dan akhirnya rasa bersalah sendiri sebab berpura-pura. Jadi Farahin tetap di bilik. Tapi tetap juga Farahin ada rasa bersalah dan biadap sebab tak sambut keluarga mak ngah yang memang saudara paling Farahin rapat.

Lepas maghrib tadi pula mak ajak beraya ke rumah mak we(hawa). Makcik Farahin juga. Rumahnya depan rumah Farahin je. Tapi Farahin masih dengan rasa tak nak ke mana-mana. Perut Farahin pun rasa tak sedap masa tu. Mungkin masuk angin atau sebab Farahin tak membuang dua hari ni. Sebab rutin sihat Farahin dalam sehari mesti ada sekali membuang. Nampak Farahin lemah macam tak sihat, mak tanya kenapa jadi Farahin jawab saja sakit perut. Padahal sakit perut tu tak ada lah teruk sangat macam gastrik. Mak siap turun naik balik bawa minyak angin untuk Farahin. Farahin rasa bersalah lagi. Bukan niat nak menipu tapi alasan "malas" atau "tak nak" tu macam tak nak keluar dari mulut.

Lepas isyak Farahin turun nak makan. Ayah pula tanya "sakit perut ke? makan pocai tu." Farahin jawab saja masuk angin. Mak ada beritahu mak we ada bagi lauk sayur lodeh jadi Farahin makan lauk yang mak we bagi tu. Datang lagi rasa bersalah sebab tak pergi rumah mak we. Siap makan, Farahin bancuh air teh O. Teringat cakap mak tadi minum air panas mungkin boleh legakan sikit sakit perut. Sambil melepak dekat dapur minum air teh O, ayah tanya lagi "makan pocai tu. ke nak pergi hospital?" Berat mulut ni nak bercakap, nak mejawab. Rasa macam kena kunci. Perlahan Farahin jawab tak payah tapi ayah tak dengar jadi Farah jawab dengan suara yang keras. Suara yang memang Farahin biasa guna bila Farahin rasa rimas dan tak puas hati dengan sesuatu keadaan atau seseorang. Tapi masa tu yang Farahin rimaskan ialah perasaan ni. Yang Farahin rasa tak puas hati tu ialah diri ni.

Habis minum, Farahin balik ke bilik dan karangkan cerita ni dekat notepad sementara tunggu bateri phone cukup makan sebelum Farahin sambungkan hotspot. Ada pemikiran-pemikiran kolot yang muncul. Sakit perut cukup untuk buat ayah Farahin bertanya "nak pergi hospital ke?" Tapi mengadunya Farahin selepas tujuh tahun menanggung sendiri rasa murung dan serba tak kena ni cukup hanya sampai penyataan "tak ada apalah. ingat Allah banyak-banyak."

Sejujurnya, Farahin memang dah tawar hati nak jumpa doktor. Fikirkan selepas Farahin tebal muka menahan rasa kecil dan lemahnya diri ini, menangis, merintih membuka rahsia yang bukan mudah untuk Farahin buka tidak cuma kepada mak ayah, dekat kaunselor, pegawai kesihatan universiti, supervisor projek tahun akhir, staff di fakulti, jururawat di hospital, di twitter, di sini, tapi tetap juga Farahin menanggungnya sendiri dengan semangat yang meruntuh ini. Dengan iman yang rapuh. Percaya kepada diri ni sudah kurang. Tujuh tahun Farahin cuba membina semula diri ini sekali menanggung sakit ini dan kali ini ia jatuh lagi. Runtuh lagi. Berapa lama lagi agaknya baru diri ni terbina semula?

Sampai sini sahaja cerita Farahin.

Yang lainnya biarlah jadi simpanan peribadi.

Maaf kalau rasa geli-geli dengan ayat rencah novel dalam post kali ini haha.

Terima kasih!

See you =)

when the waves are too strong and it goes too long, even to sail safely is impossible when the boat itself is falling apart because of the waves.

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Track My Mood

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! How are you today?

I am still doing fine it's just I don't feel quite okay today.

Maybe it's just simply another mood swing.

So you can say that's why I'm here.

Only to give myself a little good distraction.

Today post may not as complicated as my other posts. I just want to share with you guys about this one application that I have been using for almost two months. It's a mobile application uses as mood tracker named Moodpath.

Before this, I had tried to make a bullet journal. It was sort of fun having that fancy diary with other sort of things like mood tracker, habit tracker, to-do list, appointment and more. Unfortunately, I can't help to not being consistent to make it because I was too lazy and most of the time I just lost a purpose of it. However, I love tracking my mood. I enjoyed giving thoughts how I was feeling daily. But that wasn't the only reason I installed Moodpath on my phone. It was because I wanted to learn myself.

Moodpath is a mood tracker made specially for those who are having depression and anxiety. It supervises my mood thrice a day -- morning, afternoon, and evening. It also has a space where the user can expresses their thoughts, emotions, and experiences through writing. Daily series of question will be given three times to help its user identify any symptomps of depression and anxiety. There will be insights or sort of short articles shared to the user too to assist the user take control over their overwhelming emotions. I rarely pay attention on this part but I did a quick reading yesterday and it wasn't bad. Every two weeks, it will gives its user the result based on the tracked mood. I am now on my third two-weeks mood tracking.

Since I started using this mood tracker, I'm more aware and alert on my mood changes. Even though I am now in my sixth week using it, it's still unbelievable to me how I actually able have various moods in just a day. And even when I had been feeling okay for almost a week until yesterday, I can't help to not being cautious "is it okay to feel this okay?". Because I had been all over the places for weeks and had a constant pattern of feeling good was just kind of worry me.

For those who are looking for a mood tracker, you may give it a try. Even for you who just love tracking mood for fun. Even though it is made specially for depression and anxiety purpose, i think if someone healthy make use of it won't be hurt too. Who knows maybe it can boost your positive vibe too, looking on how good you were doing daily.

Until here, I put an end of this post.

Enjoy your day and all the best!

See you =)

Emotions are like waves. Sail on it as best as you could and keep the boat safe.

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Mutual

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! Good night y'all. How's your raya?

I have been staying at home all day long.

It's cold here since it was raining since morning

and only just stopped in the evening.

Tonight post will be something I have been thinking for weeks.

So, enjoy your reading time and don't forget to leave a comment!

A friend said, a doctor won't treats his or her patients are all same. It's all based on their condition, disease and necessity. I repeated this words in my mind for many times. Even though I had it stopped, it would came back after awhile. Along with that, I was thinking how we human normally demand for something equal. Something similar. We claim that is how being fair means. However, I had another thought. I have been noticed this since I was a child which we human were used to lie and we're still. This includes someone who are not really good at lying or simply bad at it. I don't mind about this one behavior of us. But what do I mind is how we use it.

As a person as well as a friend, I won't ask in regret "Why don't you treat me just like the way I treat you?". Instead of that, I ask in disappointment "I hope you just simply appreciate my existence". I don't ask for a payback. I simply ask for a "Thank you". In term of relationship between human, I think I can get use to three kinds. Firstly, I can be a friend to someone who need someone to listen to him or her. Secondly, I can be a friend to someone who just simply want to get to know each other. Thirdly, I can be a friend with benefits. Just in one condition, don't lie.

Firstly, I can be a friend to someone who need someone to listen to him or her. I would be glad if this kind of person approaches me with this kind of purpose. However, it would be better if this person comes without any other decorations like pretending to get close to me or does something sort of special that he or she never does before. If you believe me, just come to me and I will get my ears as well as my heart ready. You don't have to pretend or create any unnecessary lies and then suddenly left without trace. We don't have to get close to listen to each other.

Secondly, I can be a friend to someone who just simply want to get to know each other. I appreciate this kind of approach. Getting to know someone is like widen my knowledge and understanding over people. It's true and pure. However, if you come with hidden hopeful purpose like to make me a girlfriend or something else more, to me this kind of relationship is more serious and challenging because I will start to consider your feeling. It is also a challenge to me when i can sense a fake appearance of someone who intend to get to know me. I will start thinking if this person is actually not confident or just simply don't trust me. I don't need a mistrustful relationship.

Thirdly, I can be a friend with benefits. However, just so you know, I can make you my benefits too. I don't have prejudice over relationship with taking advantages as long as it's fair for both sides. What we called a toxic relationship is when it is all one sided and it's more like parasite than a mutual. I hope a person who approaches me with this kind of purpose would make it clear and no running around the bushes. I'm a warm person if you get to know me quite long but I'm also a cold person from the start and I'm always do.

At my side, I don't have to know someone's name just so I can pay my attention to that someone. As long as I want, I will. If I want to listen, I will. If I want to get to know someone or something, I will. If I want to let you benefit me, I will benefit you too. It's not simply a give and take operation but a comprimise act. Even if it is a fail, it is not completely fails. It is just another lesson. Start a greeting, give a help, make a business deal, there are more example of comprimise act.

How can I came out with these thoughts? It was when i realized that I have been always wanting something mutual. Something true even if it is far from logic. 5 does not only made of 3 plus 2, but also 1 plus 4, 10 divide 2, 5 multiply 1, square root of 25 and etc. Life itself applies the same formula to us. How something that we have do not belong to others, and so what they have may not ours too. It's not like we are given with something unequally but it's just simply in different way. Bukan tak sama. Tapi sama rata.

I know this post is kind of all over the places.

Well, that's just our human brain does things together with its best friend, emotions.

Until here, I put an end of this post. No offend. Just simply a personal thought.

Thank you for your time reading this until its last line.

See ya =)

Allah tak beri semua sama. Allah beri semua sama rata. Alhamdulillah.

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The Nonstandard Standard

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! How's your day?

I've been feeling okay since I woke up this morning.

By the way, I missed my sahur for the first time. ugh

So for today post, I hope it won't be something too personal like most of the previous posts.

I wish to make this one more like words of wisdom or a little unprofessional advice.

Let me just boost this positive vibe of mine after quite awhile.

Everything has its standard. In my dumb definition, standard is what makes something becomes balance or stable as well as useful and beneficial. Why would a car has four tires instead of two just like a motorcycle when both are vehicles? Isn't that also to make it more balance and in addition less harmful? Somehow, standard is also a kind of precautions mean for safety. Agree? If you're as dumb as me, let's go through the second paragraph lol. Oof! My hands are all sweating right now.

Standard has its good purpose. Not only for things, but also for human. We're all have our own standard. Somehow, even that standard becomes a priority to us. For instance, walking in heels too long can causes my legs in pain so I would wear sneakers if I mean to walk for a long time. Also it is more safe and stable. So that is my standard. My priority. Each person may has different standard, or may not. Because, the first thing first, we're all just simply human. It's undeniable that we're also has something in common. For example, our sadness has its standard to cause our eyes shedding tears or at least a strange little pain in our chest.

Until now, we're aware that standard has its purpose and we're all not that so much different. Okay. I think I'm still doing it good lol. Here comes a little tension. Despite of its good purpose and many commons between us human, we unknowingly have misused it. Standard abuse, if I would name it. Why do we have to keep and use that nonstandard standard? Confused? Let's go through the next paragraph.

We're all born with same system. Though there are some of us who are special, but we're still the same living human. We breathe air. We digest what had be eaten. We think. We react. We feel. And yes, we're all have bad habit of temporarily forgetting things. We forget that there are a few moments which we would foolishly judge ourselves when we think other people foolishly judge us. We forget that standing in front of the class could be so much nerve wrecking that we could end up crying instead of presenting our name. We forget that what we do to other people is just as similar as what other people did to us. And then, we start to grow this simple powerful phrase "standard lah tu."

Excuse for my next line because it could be quite personal. After all, I just can't help it lol. I shared with a friend of how was I feeling when a nurse I met while I was going to make my very first appointment with a psychologist told me "anxiety je kot" right to my face when that moment I was all confused, anxious, and scared. Thankful to my half sane mind that I still could rationalized myself "Okey. Mungkin dia dah biasa hadap patient jadi tak ada yang aneh atau luar biasa bagi dia." Yet I still had this part of my mind "mungkin aku boleh rasional. tapi berapa orang yang trigger dengan statement yang clumsy macam tu?" I was crying right after I was home, trying to fight this inferiority thinking maybe I was just overreacted or misunderstood what she tried to deliver. And this friend of mine gave that respond, "Standard lah tu."

Dear, friends. It is not about "she's sick so we've to be careful." It's about be caring. It supposed to be "be careful so she won't get hurt." Don't we all love this proverb, "an apple a day, keep the doctor away." Yes, we're all have our standard. But we're wrong about standard has its good purpose. There are some standards that are just simply unnecessary such as paying attention to people who you actually don't want to pay attention to, badmouthing people who you never even talk to, and judging even when you still don't go through the right process of getting to know. It's indeed personal to me, but I also concern about those who are going through the same thing as what I had went through and I'm sure there are more who are now affected by this nonstandard standard of us.

I know we can't stop a person from feeling nervous or overthinking. But what we can do is kindness. Make it less than it is. Less hurt. Less painful. So it is faster to heal. Last night I had encountered many heartbreaking posts from a few blogs just only in 2-3 hours. They were all feeling down, confused, anxious, and have been crying often. I may not know what they are going through but because we're all human and supposed we're all just can relate to those feelings and emotions, thus I really hope those who are having difficult time with themselves would get better and fully heal. To be honest, I just don't want there are more as broken as me. Thinking about it is just terrifying. Either they are just simply temporarily feeling of sadness or it has been like forever, I am just concern.

Repeat after my dumb definition, standard is what makes something becomes balance or stable as well as useful and beneficial. Somehow, standard is also a kind of precautions mean for safety. So, please. Please don't hurt any more people. Allah tak campak Adam a.s dan Hawa ke bumi supaya cucu ciciknya saling menyakiti. Ini adalah penjara yang disiapkan istimewa untuk kita semua. Di sini kita tak semata-matanya menunggu hari penghukuman. Di sini kita boleh tebus salah kita right on time dan inshaallah mungkin kurang satu hukuman. Di sini kita tidak sendiri. Sedangkan Allah tetap pertemukan Adam a.s dan Hawa semula walaupun telah dipisah jauh ke dua tempat yang berbeza.

Until here, I put an end of this post.

Thank you for your time and concern.

See you =)

let go the past, forget about the future, and live the present.
at least for today, let's be happy once again.

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How Do I Look At People

Assalamualaikum...

Night, people! Dah nak tidur ke tu? Well, Farahin pun mengantuk juga ni. Memang akhir-akhir ni tidur awal, bangun awal. Just absolutely not my usual routine haha. But...come on lah. Final exam baru je habis. Thinking I would go to sleep a little bit late today lol. Anyway, I have been thinking about this one thing this few days. How do I look at people? How DID I look at people?

Since the day I still remember, maybe when I was three or four which ayah photographed me using that square sony camera, or maybe when I was five or six when I had this few friends who much older than me, I remember I did not had good impression about people. Not in overall, but most of it.

I thought there was nothing called "friendship" and "friends" when ada beberapa insan ni semudahnya keluar masuk through me like a door. Semalam elok, hari ni tiba-tiba pusing belakang, esok mencari semula. I thought "friendship" and "friends" were synonyms of an act for just simply having fun forsake of oneself.

Lagi pula I felt like there were these eyes that I kept looking at me like I was an abnormal exhibition. They were curious, wondering, but most of them did not even dared to come closer to take a look at this "strange artifact". I hate that little attitude. This did not only started and simply stopped at zaman sekolah rendah, ironinya it kept happening until secondary school, pmr, spm, matriculation, and now I am already in university.

The way people treated me, the way I felt they treated me, their look, their whispers, it was a huge challenge for a child me. I think it also distracted my mental and personality growth. Especially, when I started to doubt myself. "Pelik sangat ke aku ni?". "Teruk ke kalau aku jenis pendiam?". "Buruk ke kalau mata aku sepet macam anak cina?". "Salah ke aku hias rambut ke sekolah?". I slowly started to grow prejudice towards this world and its people. Towards life.

Piece by piece, dari benda yang I can just looked away and pretended to not hear, told myself that orang macam ni tak perlukan perhatian aku, no matter how much I had got used to it, the pain was still there. It healed and it opened again and it healed again and...

Guess, my last puppy love or maybe a first love (?) was the best piece I had yet even that was broken in a way that I think no one should experienced it. And guess that was when everything started to fall into many tiny pieces. And at that moment, I thought to kept all these pieces hidden inside me and build a new character who is positive, open, and approachable were the best solution.

At age 16, I started to grow myself again. I slowly stopped being prejudice about people. Kita semua sama. Manusia semuanya serupa. Mereka pandang aku pelik? Benda biasa. They were just curious. Aku pun macam tu. I stopped hating and blaming people. Yet I reminded myself that, if I have flaws so do they and so there is nothing to complain about. No need to differentiate anyone, we are just human with reactions and emotions.

Life was slowly changing. My life. From matriculation until university today, I had friends or at least acquaintances that would waved and greet me in the middle of way. Even I did not found it was too difficult to meet new people, besides I was just simply nervous and excited. Berbeza dengan zaman kanak-kanak until sekolah. I felt very grateful that people saw me and remembered me even when I was always walking with my head down.

Alhamdulillah. I felt better. All the pain that I had endured since I was very young to understand it, the risks and efforts I made to present myself a bit more to people, finally they saw me and wanted to get to know me. However, there were more than this.

I never forgot those tiny pieces I kept it hidden inside me. I should had knew since I was 15, when I secretly made three little cuts on my left wrist, those pieces were actually started to stab me to destroy me. From feeling sudden changes in mood in a day, to a feeling of worthless and helpless, until a day in a year where I would trembling cold with urge to kill myself or at least to hurt myself.

Lillahi Taala. Hidup ini hanya kerana Allah. Dengan namaMu Ya Allah, aku hidup dan mati. I kept myself clean from any more scars. Cukuplah tiga parut yang semakin mengecil ini. Cukuplah dosa yang paling besar aku pernah buat. Nyawa ini amanah. Tubuh ini amanah. Bukan sebarangan nikmat. Bukan sebarangan pinjaman. Hidup aku tak minta tapi diberi. Begitu juga halnya dengan mati.

I thought I did well. I thought I felt better. I thought I was ready for it when I knew it was about to make another struck last March. Two sleepless nights with resentful cries and suicide thoughts, and the next day I just knew it would struck at anytime. Despite all the experiences, all the begging I asked for mercy from my insane self, all the inside screams calling for Allah, I lost again. Another sin? More like another crime. I know something is changing. Something bad or maybe worst. Something that I could not just simply say "it's okay". Now, I don't question how do I look at people anymore. But how do I look at myself???

Allahu. It's a long long long post again lol.

I'm sorry. See you =)

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End of Semester

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! How're you doing?

Puasa tinggal lima hari je lagi ni haha.

Alhamdulillah. I just done my last paper today.

Dah puas goreng, keluar dewan pula awal sokmo haha.

Though this semester seems the hardest for me to go through,

the most challenges and complicated,

despite all the sleepless night and restless day,

finally it's the end of semester.

Yesterday, I made a call to the hospital.

Thought I could change my first appointment

to this Monday but it was already fulled.

So I decided to cancel it and now thinking about

to make an appointment at the hospital near to my home.

My parents still don't know about this.

Guess I will just let it unknown from them until I done this first appointment.

My condition is good this few days. Much positive than this past 2 months.

But I cannot help to unnecessarily wondering, "is it okay to feel this okay?"

Anyway, greeting to June!

Also, Salam Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir Batin to y'all!

See ya. Bubye =)

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A Real Talk With My Parent

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! How was your day?

I just went back to my campus yesterday.

I was spending my study week at home for exactly one week.

Yet I still don't do my revision for this wednesday exam lol.

Actually I had my reason for spending my study week at home and that was, to talk.

I have been always an introverted person. Not only with people from outside, but also with my parents. I remember I was a cheerful child back then but as I am growing up until now, I have been quieter and talk less. The main cause is could be because I am the only child. However, I don't think that's the only cause because I have been always aware on changes that happened to myself.

I had been at home starting Friday. It had been weeks I had been feeling anxious and worry on how should I start the talk. Engulfed in guilt and resentment for many nights, I still didn't found myself ready for the moment. This could be like my very first real talk with my parents. However, I finally let my voice out on Saturday night. The start was absolute failure because I was crying hard due to the nervousness and desperateness. Especially, when my mother asked me "Farahin kenapa? Kenapa sedih? Farahin sakit?".

I nodded to her question. Finally, I revealed my long hidden secret. I told them how I have been suffering this overwhelming and uncontrollable emotion of depress for seven years. How I have been feeling about myself since I was still 4 or 5 until now. How I have been seriously improving myself as a person who is more positive, approachable, and open minded. It worked. It worked but by that time I had started to break. My mind had started to slowly lost a part of its function on controlling my emotions. I even showed them my seven years old scars. In my calculation, I might had revealed 70 to 80 percents out of everything.

It was a long real talk. The loudest cry I ever showed to my parents. Out of the nervousness and worry, I cried for their support and help. However, the unexpected expected that I had been unnecessarily thinking about  finally happened. Their respond, their advices, the way they listened to me, somehow I started to feel smaller than I already do. A few responds that were like little cuts from many that I got from them were,

when I told my mother how I was feeling during my suicide thought attack last March

and her early respond was,

"Farahin pernah ada rasa kena rasuk tak? Mungkin masa tu bukan Farahin."

when my father started to share his past hardships and kept rephrasing this sentences,

"Tak ada apalah. Kalau terkilan, tertekan, ayah pun rasa. Tak ada apalah. Ingat Allah banyak-banyak."

I knew they meant well. Their advices were true. But somehow I felt like they could not being empathy toward my situation or they could not even tried to. Even a friend who I just knew about 2 years and still not know many things about me gave better efforts to understand my situation. I was very hurt that night. However, I stayed listening to their stories and pretending laughing to their small jokes for up to two hours before I went to my room and started crying again. The light was off, my eyes were closed, I cried until I fell asleep.

The sadness and loneliness from the talk still got me for another straight three days. I would suddenly started crying or sobbing sometimes. Even when I was enjoying laughing at the drama I was watching, the emptiness would just slipped through me in a few minutes. It won't be a few minutes if it wasn't because I tried to grab my attention and emotion back to the drama. Touch Your Heart was a good drama lol.

There was one night which my father went to my room. I was sleeping, right after maghrib but his voice calling for me from the outside woke me up. He gave a little pat on my resting hand and said, "Tidur saja. Kalau ayah tidur saja, boleh pengsan. Jangan layankan sangat. Bangun. Solat. Ingat Allah." At that time, his words, his actions, his care, it was a little healing to me but still painful. Because I still got this feeling he could not understand or imagine how I was feeling. How every little task was overwhelming and too difficult for me to get it done.

I took his advice, as he is a father and a leader. Even though to get up from bed was hard, I forced myself to take a shower and went for praying Ishak right after that. My first rakaat was bad. This feeling would came at least once a day when I was about to pray. Not very often but it was very painful. It was like "I don't deserve this. This sajadah. This telekung. This wudu'. His blessings. His protection. His everything." However, I knew I had to fight this feeling because I knew He was always here and there for His servant no matter how they look and feel. And so, I ended up sobbing during my first rakaat.

Besides feeling worthless and hopeless accompanied with suicide thought, the hardest part was when I lost feeling and willingness as His servant who deserves His blessing and protection. I kept rephrasing this to my parents during the talk, "Farah bukan tak ingat Allah. Bukan tak ingat Tuhan. Tapi Farah tak ingat diri Farah. Farah tak rasa diri ni berharga, bernilai. Farah tahu Allah selalu ada untuk Farah. Tapi apa yang Farah tahu tak bantu apa yang Farah rasa." Instead of fighting for His blessing and protection like other mukmin, I was fighting desperately for my lost willingness so I would stand as His servant.

I know my situation is hard to be understand. Indeed, no one could. How can rationality understands irrationality, isn't it? Only those with this kind of sick mind would cope with this duality desperately. But to them, to us, efforts are what matter especially from people who we really close and trust. I thought my parents are like the only strongest stick I could use to support me who are now all tired and worn out. Yes, they are. But unexpectedly they are also heavy for me to walk with. Somehow I exhaust myself more to walk them along with me instead of  me trying hard to walk my weak legs.

Until here, I done my long post for tonight.

I know this is more like a toxic post and it is better to be drafted.

However, I need to satisfy my grief.

I had talked to a few friends but the grief still keep coming back sometimes.

So I ended up writing this rant.

Thank you for your time and concern.

See ya =)

Rasulullah s.a.w was depressed for 6 months when he didn't got any messages from Allah. And that was when Dhuha was sent. ='(

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Beast

i tried my best

i tried my best to be happy

more sugar in my coffee

invited myself to the party

been in the crowd and acted noisy

i tried my best to live happily

i tried my best

i tried my best yet i'm still feeling like this

what it worths when my best became the worthless

i am speechless, restless, and sleepless

within me there is an ugly beast

my anxiety is her favorite feast

i tried my best

i thought i tried my best to be happy

more sugar in my coffee but i wasn't thirsty

avoided the crowd, canceled the party

now, under the sheet i cry silently

i tried my best to live happily

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