Tuan blog masih bernafas ya haha - 31/5/2025
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Hi! (•◡•)
Welcome to District'15.
I'm the mistress, Farahin.
Jan '96 is my sacred date.
I think and feel too much.
So I write. Feel free to
navigate around. Thank you
for coming ya.
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New Look

Posted by ELFarahin | On December 31, 2020 | | 4 comments:

Assalamualaikum


Hello, peeps! Rasa macam dah lama sangat tak singgah blog. Padahal minggu lepas buka tutup buka tutup mengedit. Macam mana? Okey ke new look District'15 ni? Cuba komen sikit hehe. Dah bertahun tak edit blog. So I thought it was time to give it a new look. Farahin try to make it as simple as I could so you feel comfortable to view my blog and read it. Pardon me if it's just me who thinks so huhu. And of course, it's still to my taste. Blue is the main color theme for this blog. And white is a must for post background because it's where you're all reading. Not gonna make it messy. Plus, my writing itself is already messy. At least, I want to make the environment is a little bit proper lol.

Agak-agak perasan ke apa yang tak ada kat new look ni? Silent readers mana? Cuba teka haha. Farahin gerammm je ada yang ada singgah ramai-ramai tapi krik krik je ishh. Geram je. Tak marah pun hehe. Farah suka kalau bloggers tinggalkan link. Scroll bawah sekali. Haa kat situ. Tinggalkan link kat situ. I don't make bloglist. But that's kind of a bloglist too. Tak rugi pun kalau bloggers enter link kat situ. Walaupun Farahin ni kejap ada kejap tak ada, kejap kejap sekali lama menghilang haha, tapi mana tahu bloggers yang lalu lalang sini singgah blog bloggers yang ada dalam list tu pula. Kan best tu hehe.

Eh! Lari dari tajuk ni. Soalannya apa tadi? Apa yang tak ada kan? Haa ya. Blog arcvhive. I was thinking if it's really necessary. Like would you guys really scrolling up and down my blog archive? Haha. Besides, I have tags in my post. Kalau rasa nak usha-usha more posts, klik je label tu. Tak pun icon "bulu ayam" and "buku" tu. Siapa yang dah biasa dengan blog ni, mesti tahu label apa yang ada. Tak banyak pun. Tiga je; Ranting, Poem, and Fiction. Haa kalau teringin nak usha archive, boleh layan kat label Rant. The rest, buatlah macam blog sendiri haha.

Farahin student bachelor computer science. Major in graphic. Skill Farahin jauh sangat sangat jauh dari professional. Tapi masa edit blog ni Farahin nampaklah seperkara dua yang bagi Farahin bloggers yang enjoy edit blog sendiri patut tahu. Perkara ni kecil je tapi benda kecil ni lah Farahin tak jumpa code yang Farahin cari and later Farahin tertanya sendiri kenapa tak ada. Perkara tersebut ialah Buang/Padam Code.

Buang/Padam Code ni memang biasa nampak dalam tutorial blog. Farahin pun guna juga teknik ni. But since I know there is better way to delete codes, I don't this copycat act anymore. Jangan amalkan perbuatan ni. Betul lah. Nama pun edit. Mestilah ada code yang kita nak ganti dan tak nak guna. Tapi macam manapun Farahin tak galakkan bloggers Buang/Padam Code. Sebaliknya buat macam ni.

Teknik 1 : Buang/Padam Code Style

Sebaiknya guna symbol /* code yang tak nak guna */. Code Style adalah serupa code di bawah. Ia ada banyak code lines yang berakhir dengan };.

.square {

 /* height: 98px;*/

  width: 100%;

  background-color: #7fa4cb;

margin-top: 10px;

}

Teknik 2 : Buang/Padam Code Script

Code Script biasanya bermula dengan <script> dan berakhir dengan </script>. Kalau nak hilangkan fungsi code ni, gunakan symbol <!--code yang tak nak guna-->. Contoh Code Script adalah seperti di bawah.

<!--<script>

function openNav() {

  document.getElementById("myNav").style.height = "100%";

}

function closeNav() {

  document.getElementById("myNav").style.height = "0%";

}

</script>-->

Teknik 3 : Buang/Padam Code Body

Code Body ni tricky sikit sebab ia juga bermula dengan < dan />. Cara nak hilangkan fungsinya sama dengan Teknik 2. Tapi Farahin suka nak share contoh Code Body.

<!--<p> Nama saya Farahin </p>-->

<div style="color:black; text-style: center;"> Nama Saya Farahin </div>

<div class="name">Nama Saya Farahin</div>

Farahin tak nak sembang pusing apa makna code tu semua. Farahin cuma nak beri bloggers familiar dengan rupanya. Apapun, Farahin tak rekomen bloggers senang wenang delete code. Kenapa? Sebab seandainya suatu hari nanti, bloggers nak edit blog lagi, then bloggers nak cari code yang dikehendaki tapi tak jumpa, antara puncanya adalah sebab bloggers dah padam code yang asalnya ada. Tak memasal terbantut nak edit blog kan?

Farahin hadap juga hal ni masa edit blog ni. But at least I have very little little knowledge pasal html/css/java/xml. Jadi Farahin familiar dengan a few codes. And that's how I end up with this design untuk blog ni. Bukannya Farahin tak ada copy paste code. But I alter them just a little little bit. Tu pun sebab Farahin familiar dengan code yang paling basic. Maka menjadilah "flip picture" kat header tu. Cuba touch dengan cursor. I wrote something there. Jemput baca haha.

This new look ialah design yang paling first Farahin create mostly dengan code. Header tu simple je. Cuma "EST. 2011 District'15" and transparent. Icon tu macam biasalah kan. Buat bloggers yang biasa edit blog tu mesti dah biasa create icon button sendiri. Footer ala copyright tu pun. No image there. Just text and codes. Eh! Dah usha chatbox belum. Ia ala tirai gitu. Jangan lupa tinggal jejak hehe. Pun no images except socmed icons tu.

Apapun, I want to make it easier for you to navigate around this blog. No pop up banyak-banyak macam sebelum ni. Farahin pun semak tengok haha. Tapi sebelum ni semangat nak edit blog tu tak ada. So hadap je lah kan hahahaha. But this time all in one page. Special only for you hehe. Actually, ada some small things Farahin nak tambah lagi tapi later kot. Sebab extra things je.

Anyway, hari ni last untuk 2020. Alhamdulillah. I'm still here with you all. Farahin ada appointment next week. Hope tak ada lah terserempak abang baju putih lambai-lambai tangan kat simpang. Almaklum situasi masih genting dan darurat ni kan. Even if I knew that I didn't do anything wrong, I felt like about to lost the energy of my hands hiks hiks. Macam bila-bila masa je boleh tersondol vehicle kat depan huhu.

Okay, then. Panjang dah ni. Jumpa tahun depan ya. xoxo =)

Eh! Lupa nak share. Reference yang Farahin guna untuk edit blog ni ialah @W3Schools
Boleh usha kalau nak self-teach pasal html/css/java/xml.





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I Miss It

Posted by ELFarahin | On December 23, 2020 | | 6 comments:

Assalamualaikum

Hello, there. How are you today? Me? Physically less good. Should been lying on bed right now but I feel like really need to press on my keyboards or I feel like gonna explode who knows what and how huhu. So yeah I miss it. I miss that part of me. I miss that part of me when I didn't really think too much and too long to express myself. I miss that part of me when I was willing to face whatever judgments there, both in and out. I miss that part of me been blunt at venting out whatever I was feeling to those I trust. I miss that part of me when opened up with doctor felt necessary.

It wasn't like I never judge myself. Everyone did. It wasn't like I never confront it. Everyone did too. But over this passing months, my mouth got shut whenever those self judgments scolded me. Even right now. I feel like to tell something to someone I trust but I feel like it's unnecessary. Why? If I try to figure the why, I feel like I will get overwhelmed. There's already feeling of guilty. There's part of me belittling myself. Scolding me. Smirking at me. Ditching me. And I get my head bow low.

I know this is already become an issue. Yet I still don't let it known directly to people that I used to let whatever about me known. I can feel there is self hate too. Am I this bad? Dragging myself down like this? Curling up thinking I'm doing my best yet I still feel like I do nothing worthy? This feels heavy. Heavy and disturbing. A part of me have been biased. Telling me I'm on jinn's work. That I'm messed up. That I do it all wrong. If I do it wrong, I can just correct it, right? But no. I still have my head low.

Today I heard me told myself again that I'm an ungrateful daughter. That I forget about who is holding the heaven for me. That I've been nothing like I supposed to. Like those who is around my age. Like I've done nothing good to them. When my mind repeated that words they told me, "Jangan fikir yang bukan-bukan." I felt angry and frustrated. I felt no one would listen to me and I didn't want to make other listen as well. Then I was reminded that He do listen. He listen to everything. And here it came again. "I'm on jinn's work."

There are two weeks left before my next appointment. Did I consider to vent out to doctor? I did. Only until that feeling came again. "Maybe I don't have to. It's unnecessary." It feels wrong to want someone to listen to me. It feels wrong that I don't tell everything to Him directly like during prayer. Oh! I did been slightly had a very little choke during solah. Like I was about to cry for no reason. Like something bad was about to succumb me. Something that would make me lost again.

The last sudden meeting I had with a doctor wasn't to my like. Although it was me who came to the hospital under my own very little sanity, I didn't like the tone she used. She said the right thing. But I felt so wrong when I listened to her. There. There. There I was told by myself that all I do is complaining. Blaming. And make excuses. Between those words, there was echo of the same word from that person. My mind went around and around, layer after layer, about similar and same thing.

It's still here.

If I continued this writing, it would be the same thing over and over again. It would be boring though it was actually extremely disaster inside my head. This could be syndrome from my period. But this could be not the only reason. There. I heard those words again. I miss it. I miss that part of me feeling proud when I expressed myself. Both positively and negatively. As if I just vomited all the bad blood.

Anyway, this few days I had been feeling good seeing people that I familiar and care doing good with their things. But today, along with that good feeling, there was envy. Envy that make me feel less enough than I used to. Less useful. Less working. Less than whatever better I had done which I don't even sure what. I just feel less about unknown uncertain things.

It's not a big deal. There. She told me.

Let's just stop here. If you read this, it's boring but I can only say thank you. See you in later post.




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Oh! It's December

Posted by ELFarahin | On December 07, 2020 | | 1 comment:

Oh! It's december. What more can I say. Time passed like thunder and typhoon yet heyyy here me again. So what should I write today? This is the first post of december anyway haha. Hmm I canceled my plan to defer my study. Well, I didn't plan to cancel it but things happened and I was pushed to do so. I joined a class, as advised by my academic advisor. Only one class. Not sure how I'm feeling but I succeeded at catching up the previous lessons I missed. The class is called Creative Writing. Such obvious name. I'm sure you can guess what's the major activities. Now I'm working on the assignment and next there will be the test. Also, there is another pairing assignment to be done. Aha! That's my somewhat little student life uhuk.

Okay. Now what? How about a day I dragged myself to the hospital without appointment for the first time? I was super anxious on that day that I felt like running or hiding somewhere but fuck I had nowhere to go. So I dumbly went to the hospital with tears and cry that I tried to hold back well enough but still ended up choking after awhile for a few times until the mask got messy. No, wait. It was the mask that messing with me. I can't even cry properly. Oshet. I can't speak too. Like I just can't because I felt like my tears gonna burst by anytime. I did feel sorry to the staff that checked by blood pressure because I roughly ignored him because I can't speak. And he made me noticed to that I gripped my hand during the session. Yep. That hella anxiety.

Hey. Deep deep deep inside my heart there, there are voices that I try to keep them calm and down. I hate myself. I hate what I'm doing. I hate what I'm feeling. I hate what's happening. I hate for feeling hate. This something I don't feel like to figure out its name keeps myself twisting and squeezing until I lost shape of myself. Again. It is lonely there. Sometimes deadly silent. I can't feel. That abnormality and unfamiliarity. It's like a dark prison which I know it's all empty but can't help from take a look at it every time I walk passed it. It's intriguing. Quite alluring.


Hmm I feel like to end it here. Until next time. See ya =)



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By;

Posted by ELFarahin | On November 11, 2020 | | 1 comment:

Assalamualaikum...

It's already second week of november. Pardon me. Greeting to november, with tears. This post gonna be emotional. I'm not sure up to which level. But just a reminder aka warning for you who would like to continue reading. Obviosuly, I'm not doing good at this moment I'm writing this post. And rather than to make myself feel good by leaving scratches here, I prefer to make myself feel as worst as possible. I can't swallow this toxic any longer. So bear with me or just skip reading it.

I met a doctor today. And today wasn't my appointment date. I went to hospital because I was desperate and anxious. I wasn't actually convinced that what I did was right but I had nowhere to head to. I went there with a giant luggage full of worries, fear, panic, guilt, sadness, frustration, anger, and other more items. It was super heavy until little drops of tears fell from my eyes a few times while I was waiting my turn anxiously.

In logic, I had been triggered with the issue of my study deferment. My application was still hanging and following things became complicated for me. Triggered, I already had three cries on this november. And the latest chat I had with my Academic Advisor today, she suggested me to register an elective subject for this semester. She didn't say this, but yeah, instead of keep lingering of this study deferment issue. The idea sounds good. I'm still considering it.

After long time, I cried in front a doctor. I let my guard down but of course, not everything could escape from this broken soul of mine. Some were left unsaid and some others were confessed in very messy words. I had been keeping the stacks higher and higher. Now, everything fall on me and i fall on the ground, flat. Things feel wrong again. Very wrong.

Triggered, of course it was followed with something less relevant. I miss my best friend so bad. The cliche said it, masa susah baru nak cari member. Well, it was true. With her, I had been dependent. Most of my emotional and mental parts always felt supported when she was with me. Now, she is married and stays further than our usual 10min joruney between two houses. I sent her an emotional whatsapp last night while crying and it is still not replied. I don't really expect for a reply. I only need a sign she is there. Blue tick.

About applying study deferment, a document that I submitted didn't satisfy their demand. This also got me emotional. Paper. Paper. Paper. This unseen illness is demanded to be seen. This indescribable mixed feeling is demanded to be explain. This person who often can't trust herself is demanded to convince. These tasks, even if it wasn't demanded by an organization, it had been more difficult for me to finish. This one month and plus, things had been different than other previous few months. I'm doomed again.

My academic advisor contact my mother personally last night. I don't care if they had some adult talks but I'm very sure she did talk about the matter I'm facing. I may sound rude; pointless! My parents know very less about me. My illness, my med, my feeling, my digestion, my appetite, my sleep, my friends, and more. And I don't really care to let them know.

I'm enough playing brave and daring to open up myself with them. I'm enough with situation when I opened myself, they shut me behind door of so called Islam, labeled Victim of Jin Massacre. They never actually listened properly. Or more like they can't and don't know how to. So I prefer to not force this matter further. I prefer to hurt myself less and stop forcing them to adapt with my insanity.

Of all above, it becomes clear that I already lost my strongest backbone, my best friend. I'm breaking this demand of "Family support does matter" and remains expecting nothing more. Highlighted, my parents are not all bad. But regarding this matter, I prefer to do it alone. Even though I don't want to do it alone. I have my breaking point again. And this time, I have no faith as much as I did previously but still trying to keep my faith on Him. His time never wrong. Never.

Then, let's just end it here.
Thank you for your time and concern.
See you in later post.






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Twin Swords

Posted by ELFarahin | On October 29, 2020 | | 1 comment:

Cold blade never forget the warm blood
Rinsed by rain of grief and death
Soil of tragedy buried the dark past
Back of shining armor was lonely
Heard a saddened cry of lost general
Held on twin swords was a maiden

How can cold blade forget the warm blood
Rinsed by tears is a broken heart
Buried inside is eternal devotion
Embrace loneliness in deep longing
Smile to the brave and proud moon
Hold on twin swords is a lover








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Reasoning

Posted by ELFarahin | On October 29, 2020 | | 1 comment:

Assalamualaikum...


Days felt long yet now only few days left before end of October. Sigh. I feel like to write something. Especially about how I'm feeling almost this whole month. But the mixed feelings stir my words. This doubt keeps messing around with me. This noises my mental makes squeezes me with tension on my physical. Where should I begin?

Since the last time I experienced my worst anxiety plus somewhat mild depression at end of September and after I received Islamic treatment, I doubt myself often. I faced difficulty to convince myself. Whatever I said to myself with intention to be kind, it rebounded in double. Whenever I tried to validate my emotions, a part of me scolded me saying that I'm nothing but full of excuses and lies. Guilt and blame are all over me.

Today I woke up with a thought that maybe I'm in process to accept the dark truth. That person reminded me to have dream so I will get spirit to live. That person also reminded me to take things slowly. The idea is understandable. But I can feel like I'm rushing things. When I repeated to myself that I'm allowed to take things slowly, the feeling of rushing got stronger. As if I was forcing myself in name of control.

Yesterday morning, my counselor whatsapp me. Even her salam already got me anxious. Our chat was short but I informed her a few things about my condition and when I did that I still got interrupted by that feeling of deep doubt. I confused about how true I was and am toward myself. This state I'm confronting make me realized that to hold on rationality is easier than sanity. I can feel I'm about to lost it again.

I cried a few times this October. At first thought, I knew I was triggered by something. But later, I found myself dumbfounded again. Those questions that I didn't plan to ask myself were more like many strange and unknown fingers pointing at me cynically. It was depressingly frustrated when you tried to reason yourself for comfort but yourself is too stubborn to cooperate. I see. It's strange but it's not all strange if it's called Bipolar, my illness.

Guess I will end it here. Thank you for your time and concern. See you in later post.



To hold on rationality is easier than sanity.



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Lomokun.my Is On Instagram

Posted by ELFarahin | On September 18, 2020 | | 4 comments:

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, readers! How're you today?
How's your friday? The weather is redup yet panas here.
Anyway gonna cut this short.

As mentioned in my previous post, I try to drop myself into dropshipping. So ayyy I'm a dropshipper now. To be honest, this is me running away from my embarrassing anxiety about this particular thing that I'm still not ready to reveal here. I do feel like me being childish for running away. But yeah I'm a child. Wait. This should be a short post. Cut!

Lomokun.my. That's what I named my dropshipping shop. You're all welcome to visit and follow. I think some of you already get the hint of what I'm selling from the shop name. Yep! It's lomo photo. If you never seen them, believe me they are very sweet and adorable thing which worth the attention. You can make it into gift for your loved ones, or reward for yourselves, even for room decoration. Self love won't hurts, right.



There is promotion going on and I promise you that the price is good as well as the quality of the photo. There will be more "coming soon" too. Do pay a visit to Lomokun.my ya. And share it among family and friends. Your support would be a super great blessed for me. Oh! Don't miss out the promotion okay. It's available until end of this september. Let's get your memories printed by Lomokun.my.


Until here, guess I succeed at making this post short huh.
See you in later post. May you have a better day! Love ya.  =)



If I have to picture my life, then it would be you.







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Septembruh

Posted by ELFarahin | On September 16, 2020 | | No comments:

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, friends and readers! Hello, septembruh! And Happy Malaysia Day! Well, there is nothing strange when it comes to me being monthly late comer haha. So yeah it's my september first post. How're you doing, people? How's your september? Good? Nah? Wanna know mine? Come, come closer hehe.

My september started with a hashtag. #SuicidePreventionMonth. Yes! September is Suicide Prevention's Month. Just like usual, I shared posts and infos on my socmed. Nag and brag about mental illness. Spreading wings of my heart and fly the love whenever and wherever I want and could. It's good and nice to have certain day or month for particular event to spread awareness, kindness, and love. However, it's much better and nicer when it's celebrated daily. Yes. Eveyday is Suicide Prevention's Day. Everyday.

A few days later since 1st september, a parcel arrived. Hooray! The lomocards I ordered was received. It was a set of 120pcs. And it was my first time order ever. I had youtube-free because of struggling to collect 120pcs photos to be printed. I experienced a 1 month pinterest obsession lol. Never crossed in my mind that to collect 120pcs photos was that difficult despite me had bunches of photo collection. The only reason was, it was extremely difficult to pick best of best photos hoho. Ayway, the photos appeared super gorgeous on the cards and I have them stained my room wall hehe.

Hmm did I ever mention about my new recent routine? Yeah, of course not haha. Around the middle of August, I started do jogging once in every two days. Well, sometimes three because I was too lazy to wake up in the morning hahahaha. I'm not a morning person anyway. This thing was actually instigated by my anxiety, thinking what if I have diabetes or some kind of nerves disease to the point I was about to bawl my eyes because of the panic for about maybe 2 weeks. And during the latest doctor's appointment I had, I was 2kg lighter. What!? That was too many in almost one month. Anyway, idgaf about weight in the first place. And I'm not a sport person haha.

Hey, I have a good news or maybe so. My best friend is about to get marry. The plan is on 5th October. Honestly, this news is somewhat like a blackout for me. It may sounds bad but I can't be happy for it. And also, I don't hate it. I had the same mixed feeling when she got engaged last year. I'm triggered. My anxiety is triggered. That fear. That loneliness. That struggle of reasoning myself. That fight between emotional and rational me. I feel dejected. Distant. She's nothing like usual best friend for me. She's an ideal figure. Something I can't get and feel from anyone. Named any terms in human relationship, for me between us there is something more. Book has it love-friend or sister figure. Anyway, I treasure her more than myself. And all this, she knows everything and she still remains as that ideal figure. I'm deciding to prepare her sejadah as a gift. Still searching for the right one.

Now, what's more to share? Oh! The creative side of my brain worked too well in this first few weeks. I made a few diy things and I like them. But it did hit my doubt. I was too active as if I can't wait for tommorow to make another diy thing. Even though I didn't skip my sleep, I did feeling something wasn't right. So far there were two days which I can't do my jogging at good pace. During the first one, I felt my body was too heavy to run with and the second was yesterday, I went faster and kinda too fast for me that I ended panting like the first day I started jogging. Something went wrong. Both, I had somewhat tired body the whole day.

Meanwhile today, so far the highlight is I'm super nervous because I just joined a dropshipping team. This is my first time. I have questions but I'm not sure how should I ask. Rather than awkward, I feel tensed. Dammit. I know some of you guys are good at this thing. Pray for me ya. Maybe I will update about this in another post later. Get ready yourselves to support me hehe.

Until here, I end this messy yet honest septembruh post lol. Thank you for your time and concern reading this. See you in later post! Take care. Love ya =)




Over everything, nothing is all mine.











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I Will

Posted by ELFarahin | On August 29, 2020 | | 4 comments:
Rare Black Moon on Friday - WeatherNation
stand the night but not my feet
on thin velvet mat i propose
this twisted heart squeezes my soul
what to feel and what to ask
only now i scream in cry

this restless living dead
this sleepless quiet night
to believe is all the time role
supposed to wake up upon sunshine
yet do i even want this night to end?

i'm deaf and blind to myself
the potion i made is still a spellbound
the pain i take has lost its count
this havoc of insanity is calamity
destructive is legitimate authority

hiding under white of purity
chained limbs by demon of mind
only You i look upon too
only You i earn whatever will do
where there is Your want, there is i will








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Star

Posted by ELFarahin | On August 28, 2020 | | 1 comment:

Shooting Star | Star gif, Sky gif, Beautiful night sky

a step closer over a step further

what kind of face hidden from that back

as i kept my eyes on you

only then i heard it louder

that heart which once was in solitude


this figure is not a shadow

fills a part of the hollow sorrow

deep gratitude digging far in my heart

that long lost love and the new is relived

another place in heart is taken


this distance is funny than just stage play

even night sky is worth for stargazing

oh life has all the unexpected

the tune that keeps messing up

yet there is fortune of another lifetime


it is that look mirrors in my eyes

it is that smile stimulates my days

it is that voice speaks my mind

it is me cherish who is not mine

it is love that keeps him shine







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Again

Posted by ELFarahin | On August 13, 2020 | | 3 comments:

1920x1080 Night Sky desktop PC and Mac wallpaper

Night is quiet again
And a lonely heart sings the same name
Again

That painful day comes visiting again
And a sad heart is mourning
Again

Black and white are clear
Right and wrong are no longer matter
Just if as long as you are here

His unanswered questions
His unreplied calls
Spring is withering

Admires the moonlight
Let breeze blows a wounded heart
His silent tears fall again

Once, an empty hand held the last moment
Someone was falling for death
Someone is longing again

Again
He loves again









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Success

Posted by ELFarahin | On August 11, 2020 | | 11 comments:

Assalamualaikum...

bi29-illust-star-moon-sky-night-art-wallpaper

Hello, readers! I'm writing this nervously. My left wrist is still in pain and I'm trying to write using my right hand only. Really want to make it because I really want to write down my brain mess here. Success. Recently, maybe a few days ago, I had noticed something about Azan. From my own personal perspective.

I don't watch tv often for so long and no mention the screen that i always face is my phone, but as far as I remember, the cliche content when Azan was played on tv, at this phrase, haiya a'lassolah haiya a'lalfalah, something remarkable content was played. First, haiya a'lassolah, usually there were content with jemaah or at least a person who was performing solah. Second, haiya a'lalfalah, here we might saw a group of somewhat corporate people or basically just titled as "successful people."

Referring to above, at least that is how I remember it. Now, let's go a little bit deeper into my brain mess. I had noticed, somehow I had brainwashed myself with this cliche content, since very young. I'm not very sure if it supposed to be it was the one that brainwashed me. I just have feeling that it is improper to say so. Because first of all, it was the work of my brain.

Haiya a'lassolah. Hasten to prayer. Obviously, it's a call for us to perform the solah. Haiya a'lalfalah. Hasten to success. Here, this was where I saw it in slightly wrong way. I differentiate between solah and success. I understood them as two different things. I understood that success stands for the job, education, wealth, and etc. just like what was shown in the content. Who knew even myself, I had been this very hard to myself.

Overlooked. Do solah and success are very different from each other? Don't they more like related to each other? I don't mean what we used to say like, solat, doa, baru Allah beri senang kerja, murah rezeki or anything similar to that. I have something simpler, I think. What if solah is not merely just solah? What if success is not all about papers and collars? What if solah is the success? What if success is the solah?

We sigh. We whine. That's our human nature. We worry about success. We worry about amount of papers that need to be collect. We worry about what if our collars are not as high and strong like others. We worry about what if our wealth is not enough for later living days. It's okay. Go on with whatever you're doing. Worries can be good pusher to success.

However, some of us, or maybe most of us, worries don't only pushing them but also pulling, pressing, throwing them, all at once. From something that assists us to move, to something that causes us unable to move at all. The worries keep adding up, follow by fear and insecurity, cold sweat, heart palpitation, breathing difficulty, trembling body, anxiety. For them, you, and I, I love to share this simple idea of success.

Gratitude is the magic word. If there will be day you have it all difficult, you feel useless, worthless, and unsuccessful, you feel the greatest fear you ever feel, neither you can move yourself nor sit calmly, I love to send this gratitude to you that you've done greatest success of the day, Today you  had performed solah. Oh! I noticed something else here. Doesn't this is also the limited ticket that Allah gives to us, His believer? Solah. Like, this is included in our to-do list too.

This is my vibe, never mind the yesterday and tomorrow, you still have today to live. Either you're at your best or not, just stay, be here, today is still yours. Today, you had performed solah. Your best today's success. The second Rukun Islam, as well as the first one; syahadah, 2 times per prayer, 10 times per day. You think you did nothing? You did something, solah. You think you're nothing? You're still His believer. His beloved servant.

Guess, now I have another vibe too. My solah is my success. My success is my solah. Let's go with this one first. Only. I have a lot of worries too. My anxiety can make me cry like someone who's mourning. There will be fear, grief and despair. I hope with this new vibe, it ease me to go back to basic, my solah is my success. My success is my solah. Inshaallah.

I'm not so much knowledgeable person myself but I love feeling love. Instead of growing the attitude of Allah marahkan aku, hamba tak berguna, I love to grow love with Allah masih sayangkan aku. Sayang sangat. Ops! Sendu sikit haha. We all have been used beating ourselves, claim it is the rain before rainbow. So, at least have some moments or just a few seconds to fill and embrace it with love. We deserve love rather than rainbow.

Until here, I end this very first post of August. Thank you for reading this. Mind to share anything better in the comment. I think this topic is a little bit sensitive. So love to receive your kind words or teachings. See you in later post =)


حيَّ على الصلاة، حيَّ على الفلاح



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Drugged

Posted by ELFarahin | On July 20, 2020 | | 10 comments:
Assalamualaikum...
pills anime | Tumblr
Selamat malam, semua! Esok isnin, mesti dah siap-siap nak tidur kan. Tak apa. Have a good rest. Esok atau bila-bila boleh singgah baca late night post ni hehe. Nothing much pun. Just my personal life sharing hehe.

I did mentioned in a previous post that my pill dose has been reduced to two pills per night. In the first week, I experienced hypomania dan depression period. Of course. It was a short days been in an empty hell. So related to the title, yes I was "drugged".

What's the proof? The sudden change in my pill dose gave a shock to my brain. To put it simply based on my very little knowledge (even though I'm a patient hehe), the chemicals and nerves of my brain usual routine were disturbed. As the effects, I experienced hypomania and depression after long without one.

For those who never aware of term of hypomania, it's one of my biggest symptoms as Bipolar Mood Disorder 2 (BMD2) patient. There could be a period that I can exhaust myself because I'm too active that even sleep can't bother me. In my case, it's usually last for 3 days follows by depression that last for 3 days as well. However, since the last one, I don't encounter with another. Alhamdulillah.

Back to my effected brain, the shock its experienced was the proof that my brain did reacted to the medication which in this case, it was a good sign to me. Stigma would say, I think your signs are getting worst. Does the pills even helping? Well, I understand what this stigma stands for. Concerns. Worries. Anxious. However, this is all based on outer observation. To break this stigma, you need to know what's actually happening, the causes of this look. Reactive brain means it's still treatable.

Since the ill brain of mental illness exact condition is impossible to be determine (there is the technology but that's super super hi-tech), to detect its work is all based on patient condition in all cases of physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional. In this "drugged" post, I could say pain is one of the treatments. Not trying to afraid you. But you know my writing style, I luffff metaphore lol.

If there is pain, then of course there is painless. Either good or bad signs, they are all considered to treat the patient. Since I acknowledged my mental illness, I've been more aware how wise it is to acknowledge both good and bad. Yes, it's not easy and very difficult, very painful. But like what those "good vibe" people used to say, Nothing is impossible.

It's actually funny to me. When it comes to pursue the "good vibe", everything becomes POSSIBLE. Yet when it comes to I think I'm sick. I think I want to meet a psychiatrist. anything relate to it becomes IMPOSSIBLE. People is indeed talented at making jokes lol. No matter how tight you close your eyes, whatever is there is there. Never disappear. I know you still can hear and feel it. Maybe even smell and touch it.

Medication does has the effects. Not only for mental illness patients but all. Else, what's the use? But in this post, of course, it's bias on me, the patient and mental illness. The pill I'm taking is named Lamotrigine, 100mg per night. It's not an antidepressant but mood stabilizer. Stigma may says, they are all just epilepsy. You're right. They are Epilepsy. But that's their parent.

Since there is parent, then surely there is children, also children's of children, and the list continues as long as our super doctors love their research and keep doing it. Also with the help of real specimens, the patients. Sounds bad? Yes. It's a jihad. So people would have less risk to encounter mental illness, treatment in shorter period, better medicines with better effects, better therapy, better doctors, more stigma breakers, healthier society, etc. After all, we are the "good vibe" people.

Stigma may asks, since when mental illness becomes fashionable? Oh, yes. Some of us wear it proudly. We make runaway wherever we walk in and out around the hospital area. Our stage names are Survivor and Fighter. We have bags of colorful pills. Unlike other models with doll-like look, we even walk and pose while crying, frantic, trembling, screaming, shouting, laughing, anything that is even impossible to you. Now, watch us and learn about mental illness.

When I say learn, I don't expect anything 100%. It's all enough you learn about your loved ones. Even for those with great wellness. Including yourself. In this case, it's more like learn the importance of mental health. Some cases, it's nothing like no patience or too weak spiritually. It's the environment, life experiences, diet, and the brain growth itself.

Patience is out of discussion when pressures come from all directions. Even someone with great patience may feel fear, stressed, angry, sad, and more feelings that we tend to ignore forsake to pursue "good vibe". Human need shelter which that also stands for protection and security. In what form? Support, assistance, help, company, empathy.

Hmm. What I'm writing again? lol. It's 12:13 am, at this line. I think it's right to end it here. I'm doing fine. I do get emo sometimes but not too long. Oh! Soon it'll be my 1st birthday as mental illness patient. I made it far. I don't know where I'm heading to and it's hard for me to decide. But I'm sure that I've leaved a lot of footprints around. Either they are overlaps on each other or not, well that's the effort, the smallest I can do. Good night. See you in later post.




"Chill. Let bygone be bygone. Stop overthinking."
"I know. I'm trying."
"You sure?"
"I meet psychiatrist every month and take pills every night."
"That's impressive. You do it right. Take your time. I root for you."








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Be In Someone's Shoes

Posted by ELFarahin | On July 16, 2020 | | 8 comments:
Assalamualaikum...
i need boyfriend like haiji rn | Tumblr
Be in someone's shoes. It's an idiom that is synonym to put yourself in someone's situation. But do you know what's funny here? For me, be in someone's shoes is a ridiculous idea because it is actually impossible. We're all have different shoe size. Different standard and priority. To fit in doesn't seem right. However, this idiom has been used a lot when we try to urge someone to show their empathy. Yes. I don't know how should I write this but this is what I want to share today, Empathy.

Empathy is nothing like two-ways sharing or exchanging. It's not a business or deal making. It's not negotiating but comforting. It's a one-sided give and take without any special returns. Empathy is when you're present, and learn about someone's situation. You use your brain more than your mouth. You trash your comparing attitude and recycle your long abandon understanding skill. You ask your doubts and don't make blunt assumptions. Your advice is needed only when it's requested.

Where to start? Since be in someone's shoes is impossible, we can have a look and do an observation on them. How's the pair doing? How much damage they got? How about the insole? The heel? The snapped and loosed stitches? How about the front part? How do they look to you? Put a few of your toes inside them, how do they feel like? This is you giving your best attention. And whenever you feel like maybe you see a few things wrongly, you ask to confirm. Be present and listen. Be curious and ask more.

Empathy wants you to communicate less and listen more. Don't interrupt the owner when they are telling things about their shoes. Don't rephrasing things that have been told with you rephrasing your personal experience like, "I went through this too...". Don't talk about your shoes. The only shoes in this topic is theirs. I repeat. We have different shoe size. Different standard and priority. Shoes are shoes but between ours there is no duplication. We called it similar but never be same.

Does giving opinions is forbidden? Of course, not. But in case of empathy, you have to make sure the other party willing to be given and receive opinions. How to know? Simple. You ask. Can I give you my opinion? Would you like to hear my advice? Is it okay for me to speak my mind? Oh! Don't expect what's received won't be rejected or returned. Don't be dejected. They have their right. Control your responds and keep yourself calm.

I think "be patient." is mostly used in a serious deep talk. However, be careful. Because by using this phrase, it can be you rephrasing what have been told. Empathy doesn't always favor this phrase. Empathy acknowledge everyone's patience regarding how old, big, or high it is. Empathy wants you to support that exhausted patience. How? Either you noticed it or not, you already do the basic one. Listen and pay attention to them. People need to feel appreciated to cheer them up. Make them feel seen. Indeed, you're observing someone's shoes after long without any pure attention and care.

Empathy is a difficult task. You don't actually work your whole heart and soul. You work your brain too. You use your emotions to relate with theirs and your brain to estimate those emotions. Yes. Empathy talks about emotions more than experiences. We don't only talk about the damages but also the effects of damages. Because past is past but not the effects. An earthquake stopped but everything have been flopped. Ruins, death, and trauma.

To learn empathy, you may start with holding on your worst experiences and emotions that you ever faced and felt when people tell you about their hardships. Don't judge. Don't assume. Don't scold. Don't rephrasing. Remind your self, no matter what, they're having their most difficult time. You need to be patient and gentle. Ask, ask, ask before you speak. Don't beat them with your ego. No need to show off your armor. At this moment, you have no time and place to brag about yourself but them.

Since empathy is a difficult task, it is necessary for you to keep enough energy for you to support yourself and the other party. Make sure your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual elements are in good condition for the moment. You're about to support two bodies which the other one has exhausted its energy. During the moment, you also need to control how you save and use your energy. Stay calm and keep learning.

As you can see, or maybe not yet, empathy is all about them, them, and them. Empathy doesn't makes fair clear for you but them. Only if you let empathy plays with love and sincerity, you may feel the fairness that only you can feel. The unexpected returns; you feel present when they acknowledge your presence. You feel seen and listened when they respond to you. For some people, maybe like me, we feel re-energized and the energy we already keep to ourselves is added up. That unexpected returns.







No official greeting like usual. Anyway, Helloooo July! haha






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Cyberbully Is A Crime

Posted by ELFarahin | On June 30, 2020 | | 10 comments:
Assalamualaikum...
Please Smile Kou!! | Anime, Sad And Happy GIF | Gfycat
Hello, readers! Here me again to speak up my mind. Yeah. I'm a coward. I'm less interested in intense argumentative conversation. That's why I write. I share my personal thoughts. Take what you want to have or you may not. Wait. What an offensive introduction. Ops!

Cyberbully is a crime. Yeah. As written above. I was instigated again with this matter. Because someone that I love is experiencing this. This time, I'm not sure if it's bigger or the biggest, but it's something different. I never know there is a thing like award to disregard someone's reputation. Wait? Do we have it too? Somewhat called The Most Controversial Celebrity? Read it again. Controversial. It's different with Popular. Maybe because I exposed myself more on positive things so I don't encounter this shitty often. Yet today, I encountered one. Accidentally.

Okay. Enough with the hate. I just vent out the main cause of what makes me sitting in front of my laptop right now. Now, let's get through the purpose of this post. It's still around the same thing. But let me take you going through a little piece of my mind. Our subject is criminals of the crime. The people who get someone bullied, spread hate, make threat, and even attempt the immorality.

So related to this matter, I've been thinking about it quite long and many times. Could it be, that some of this people are another example of people like me? Stuck in the merciless cycle of dark past. It's well known and clear to us, that they live up to hate. And I've been thinking, if they have this spacious place in their heart for hate, doesn't that means they have very little place for love? Or it could be, they actually receive very little love?

Even before this, I had this thought or more like a question just like above, do someone's bad deeds lessen the value of their lives? I mean, the life that we carry around with us while our brain and heart are still working and it won't be there anymore if one or both of them are gone. Because for me, everyone, actually everyone, deserve to feel loved and cared by others.

Hate? It's not easy to defeat. Just like how cyberbully has become this very difficult to be stopped. And when I relate it to what I've been thinking about those people, there is another way - Spread Love Not Hate. I know this sounds cliche since it has been said and mentioned around but I never gave it a deeper thought like how I'm doing right now. We need to spread more love than the hate that is made. Not only for ourselves. Not only for the victims. But also, for them who worship this rotten culture.

For me, I think I'm not often hate people but their action or behavior. Same goes with this matter. I hate what they're doing, but overall I don't hate them as human. If what I've been questioning is also its answer, from my perspective and understanding, this people need love as much as others. I don't mean to admire their bad deeds, but make them see that good deeds are still being cherish and they deserve a few of those.

Back to the merciless cycle of dark past. Look. We don't know what someone had experienced in years to decades of their life. No mention that we can't see it. We know what we know. And we don't know what we don't know. I, myself, applied this method to people around me. No one actually know all about us and it's the same case for us. So I'm thinking, what if, just like me, they are actually affected by hate for very long time and this effect urges them either to feel affected or spread the effect to others. Which later, the cycle may gets bigger and continues.

Look at my side, I do hate what people had done to me. And now, those people are leading their great life. Do I hate them? No. It's very difficult for me to make sure of this. And if I have to draw a figure or maybe figures of who I hate in my mind, then that would be those naive cheerful children in white uniform who so called classmates, schoolmates, and even the teachers. As if there is another world with me and them never get older and keep experiencing those hateful events again and again in unstoppable loop.

Yes. I am affected to my dark past. I do feel hate. It had been harvested almost two decades. The roots and thorns are embracing me and with them around me, my look is nothing less from a beast. However, because of this hate, the way I love myself and people around me are affected. I have difficulty to love myself but not people around me. I try to act kind because I know how it feels like to receive it very less, and even this can be difficult for me to do for myself. I believe no one can escape from this nature. It just happened differently. So maybe for them, they are affected to hate instead of love.

Anyway, I believe that no one can escape from wanting to be loved too. And I don't think that's wrong. What can be wrong is if we try to get that love in wrong way. And in this case, cyberbully is one of the example. You deserve love. You deserve care. But not in this way. Even if you do this for money and other big reasons, I know life can be harder than we think, I wish you know that there is still love inside you. You still can love. You can be loved. Don't hurt others and also yourselves. 

In a big picture, this life has always have two things. Right and Wrong. Options and None. But I can't spare my eyes that wide. I tend to look at this little part, and I see that this little part itself has many colors. Without this little part, would a big picture created? Sometimes, we don't have to build new routes and abandon the others. Just add some junctions or maybe traffic light or anything that could make the route safer and better. That's enough.

This matter is stressful isn't it? Plus this long long long writing from me. At least, now you know how a little part of my brain work. I believe I am a thoughtful person. And I also believe, when I push this thoughtful behavior to its maximum, I can be extremely overthinking. Then, that may causes me to fall ill. Anxious. Depressed. Moody. After all, I have an ill brain. It's called Bipolar Mood Disorder 2, in case you're curious for those who don't know yet.

Shall I conclude it now? I think so. First, spread more love than the hate that is made. Second, everyone deserve to be loved, like actually everyone. Third, you still can love and be loved. Don't hurt yourselves and others. Fourth, if we can remind someone to not give up on themselves, we should not give up on them too. You, bullies. I see you. I hate what you're doing but I can't bring myself to hate you.

For me, what you're doing is abuse to yourself. No. Don't repeat that cycle. You may can't stop it now. And you may learn the how. I'm a sick person, myself. I'm sick of this world too. I'm sick of human. So that's why, we may heal ourselves. Get help if you can't help yourselves. Get love if you can't love yourselves. But not in this way. There are other ways. Stop. Look around. If you can't see anything, if you can't see yourselves, you're seeing this writing. I'm sending love to you.

To you who don't feel exist, you read this is a proof you're exist. You see this is a proof you still can see something around you. You feel my writing is a proof you still can grow your feeling. You understand something from my messy writing is a proof your mind still has its sanity. You worry about my illness is a proof you value the worth of health. I'm sending love to you too.



Does it actually the matter of the bad is growing wilder?
Or it could be the good has being quieter?





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Productive June

Posted by ELFarahin | On June 27, 2020 | | 4 comments:
Assalamualaikum...
Sad Quotes Black And White. QuotesGram
Hello, readers. How're you doing?
June is about to end yet here me writing my first post for this month.
Not actually sure what to write here. Guess, just like usual.
I'm going rant about how my life is going on.

This month is kind of difficult to describe. Many things happened. Maybe? First, about my medication. The pills are reduced from 2 and 1/2 pills to 2 pills. I'm not sure where did she (a doctor but not my usual psychiatrist) got this good idea to reduce my pills. But the last appointment I had, I had been asked to range percentage for my current condition. I actually hate this question. At some point, it made me anxious and this wasn't my first time. So I bluntly put the range - 80%. Hah! How impressive. Actually, I have been less sharing my thoughts and feelings with doctors I met during this pandemic. I just didn't had the courage and strength to be vulnerable. I only answered the basic questions and leaved.

Now, it's already my second week with this reduced medication. Unexpectedly, it seems my brain had reaction to it. During the first week, I experienced my hypomania after long not had one. Like usual, it lasted for 3 days. 3 days passed, I somewhat doing fine. But it only lasted for 2 days because later, mild depression came to me. It only lasted less than 48 hours but the feeling exactly how I used to feel when I was depressed. Almost every 10 to 20 minutes, I would had tears in my eyes. The first night when it hit, I suddenly went berserk with my long lost vulnerability. I texted my best friend who I had long not sharing anything with her. My text started with, A Letter To You.

After long not crying, no mentioned at late night, I wrote my text while crying so hard. I confessed, expressed, and shared whatever I could in my text at that time. My words were a big mess but I sent them anyway. I told her about the bad things I thought and felt as well as the good things that I tried to fight for yet I still could not escape from my own insanity. That night, I had both swollen heart and eyes. I felt pain that had not came for visit too long. The next day, the rest of my tears entertained this visitor. When night went late, only then I felt a little bit recovered.

Until today and now, I think fine is not the wrong word. Just I often running around my own feelings and thoughts in cycles like usual. Sometimes, I'm like that bulb which the light goes bright and dim almost every few minutes. It's worrisome yet still fine. Feeling confused is already my daily anthem. I can sing but not dance to it. I know what's all the mess there but I cannot figure how to tidy up or where to start yet end up feeling overwhelmed. Like right now, just a few seconds ago I took my own words seriously but later all seemed bad excuses I made to myself. Yeah. Just like that bulb I mentioned above.

Look. Know this. Some patients like me, we go up and down drastically. When we try to take it slowly, do it slowly, make it slowly, we still can't escape from the pressure. It's just like that moment we try to move forward while the strong wind is blowing towards us. But for us mental illness patients, this wind could be tornado, typhoon, mix of storm and rain, gloomy sky above with deserted land below, simply anything massive and destructive that to feel safe is like impossible. We're in survival mode, about to make something worthy, but we still feeling our life is at the last edge. The insecurity is too extreme at its maximum. We hate this word but still can't escape from it -- INSANE.

Enough. I make a long long write again.
But it feels good realizing I write this calmly
even though it is not actually match to what's inside.
In short, I'm not ruining the keyboard haha.
Until here, I end this post. See you later.
Take care. bye bye =)









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I Don't Do Casual Curse

Posted by ELFarahin | On May 20, 2020 | | 2 comments:
Assalamualaikum...
The perfect gif to describe homework | Blue exorcist rin, Blue ...
Hello, readers! How're you doing today?
It's only a few days left before Ramadan lefts us
and Syawal is just around the corner.

I don't know how to start this post. I've been often doubting myself lately. Especially, my thoughts and decisions. The way I revise them again and again don't make me feel better yet I come to encounter some kind of mental block. Someone might noticed or never, I did published a few posts here yet later I unpublished them. No mention I often deleted and rewrote captions that I made on my socmed. This thing is indeed normal at certain level. But when it is this too often for me, I don't feel it is normal anymore. Anyway, enough with the long introduction @ confession. Let's go straight to the real content.

I don't do casual curse. People said, especially those quotes and memes shared on socmed, when you cursed at your friends casually that means you're very close to not feel hurt with each other easily. So the thing is, I don't do casual curse. So far, I don't remember I called or used bodoh, sengal, or more such words with my best friends. They might used it with each other sometimes but not when they particularly communicated with me directly. Thus, am I not close enough with my best friends?

Maybe it's because I'm the only child, unlike most people around me who might has been growing using such words with their siblings, in their casual communication. Since I have been growing in this very like individual environment, I'm not very often exposed to this behavior. I think I have been growing with self learning of how to entertain myself without someone's presence.

Besides that, it may because of my own chosen society. I have my personal standard of who and what may get through my wall. It may has something to do with mistrustful behavior. However, I think it is more sided to patience and efforts. Also, it has nothing to do with time. Likely, it is based on my how comfortable and familiar I'm with someone. It may be cliche, but the final touch is when my instinct strongly tells me that it is alright to get attach with this person and my heart will just go for it.

Wait. Don't I kind of slip from the track? So in this matter, my kind of chosen society is like "I don't mind if you do casual curse but not with me." It's like a boundary. Your good and bad are yours. It may change or not. But when I have let you into my wall, your very presence is my important subject to learn. I may accept some parts of you and I may not for the rest. Above of all, your current presence is enough for me.

I spent years to let this group of friends entitles as best friends. Yet, I only spent months to get and feel close with my roommate from last year. We do attach to each other until now, even our distance makes each other absent. And she does do casual curse. When I was with her last year, I often heard she cursed over who knew what. However, until now, she doesn't do casual curse with me. I, myself feel comfortable with it and I hope she does too.

Anyway, I'm not too kind either with words or behavior too. I have my flaws and funny sides too. I do curse but not really casual because when I do, I really mean it. I curse when I'm in very bad mood. It also happens when I'm in very bad mood and something makes me jump out of shock. My curse don't have variety at all because I only use this two words, fuck and shit. They only have one sound to pronoun. Simple yet great impact, at least for me lol.

Last paragraph. So does casual curse is the right tool to measure how close you're with your friends? Well, it may be said so. Just like those quotes and memes. But for me, in general, to measure our bond or relationship with someone is counted on how safe and good we feel when we're with that someone. Either you do casual curse with each other or not, you know what is best for your own sake.

My little pious voice tells me, it's better to not curse at all. Such useless words are pointless. Ops!


Until here, I end this post.
Hope you love this sharing.
Thank you for your time and concern.
May you're blessed with good and healthy relationship.
See you in later post! bye bye. xoxo =)





When you cannot prevent the toxic, avoid it as best as you can.






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Mutation

Posted by ELFarahin | On May 16, 2020 | | No comments:
Free Images : flower, background, barrel cactus plant, cacti ...
Spiny green hedgehog
A small pot of echinocactus
Hate in love is indeed poisonous
Nested sneaky giant snake
To love yet to hate
To move yet too late
Embracing dreadful echinocactus 
Sucking on murderous venom
Monstrous hate in love
To love and hate is too sad
To move yet still feeling bad
Mutating to green hedgehog












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Metaphor

Posted by ELFarahin | On May 16, 2020 | | 4 comments:
Download wallpaper 1600x900 osteospermum, flower, bw, blur ...
Gravity under feet
High sky is hanging above
Air fills two breathing packs
Frozen tongue with tangled words
A brain is planting a very quiet jungle
Called it biology, chemistry, or even physics
Still can't make sense this metaphor insanity

Too many, too much, too fast
Called it calculation, prediction, or assumption
Still can't make sense this miserable statistics
A brain is reconnecting to vague logic
Tied tongue with undelivered words
Packed lungs with heavy breaths
Dark sky is the continuous infinity
Gravity is too steep to not fall
















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Cerita Pendek : Malap

Posted by ELFarahin | On May 15, 2020 | | No comments:
writing shared by wtg0121 on We Heart It

!! AMARAN !! AMARAN !! AMARAN !!
Penulisan ini mengandungi unsur trigger dan suicide thought.
Pembaca disarankan membaca dalam keadaan mental yang baik.
Terutamanya, kepada pesakit mental atau sesiapa sahaja yang
sedang mengalami kecelaruan mental yang serius ketika ini.


Tajuk : Malap

Jenis : Cerita Pendek

Genre : Remaja, Depresi

Penulis : Adrenalin Putra @ Suju Elfarahin


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Langit masih tinggi. Bumi masih berputar. Angin masih berhembus. Nadi masih berdenyut. Namun begitu, buat Mayzara semuanya kelihatan samar. Semuanya tidak membangkitkan sebarang semangat kehidupan tetapi nafas yang mengeluh hambar. Buatnya, langit sudah runtuh dan jatuh. Bumi sudah terumbang-ambing dalam pusaran yang menggaung dalam. Angin sudah membuaskan ribut yang menambahkan lagi ribut perasaannya. Dan nadi yang masih berdenyut seakan menghitung setiap titis toksik yang membunuh dirinya dari dalam.


Mayzara bingung. Tidak tahu apa dan entah kenapa. Seluruh tubuhnya menggigil seakan digigit kedinginan yang melampau sedang peluhnya merecik lencun di setiap liang roma kulitnya. Ketakutan yang merengsa emosinya tidak menang hendak dialahkan. Ditambah pula dengan panik yang mengalir deras merentasi jantung sehingga degupannya seakan menyerupai buasnya roda keretapi melandas. Sungguhpun begitu, Mayzara sedar akan realiti yang kini dikotori ilusi fikirannya yang berkecamuk.


“Diam!!!”


Mayzara meraung nyaring bercampurkan serak. Sepuluh jari mencengkam dalam di antara selirat rambutnya yang kusut. Mayzara bukan mahu mendiamkan sesiapa. Bukan juga sedang marahkan sesiapa. Sebenarnya Mayzara mahu mendiamkan segala apa yang sedang merasuki mindanya. Marahnya pula bukan marah yang biasa-biasa. Marahnya dihimpuni pelbagai rontaan perasaan yang mengamuki jiwa. Melibas setiap titik kewarasan yang berbaki.


Lensa mata Mayzara mula basah. Kolam mata semakin penuh dengan air mata lalu melimpah membasahi wajah seorang wanita yang sedang menderita. Mayzara meraung lagi. Kali ini kedengaran pilu dengan sendu yang sangat menghibakan. Sebaknya membuatkan jiwa membengkak dan memberontak. Tangisan Mayzara beterusan seolah tiada mungkin mahu berhenti. Kelopak mata mula bengkak dan terasa pedih membisa namun air mata masih deras mengalir.


Pelbagai senario dan idea bahaya melintasi fikiran Mayzara yang masih berkecamuk. Setiap satunya terasa sungguh jelas seakan tayangan pita bersuara. Dalam tayangan ini, Mayzara menyaksikan kepalanya dihantuk ke dinding sehingga berdarah, kulit tangan dan kakinya dihiris-hiris oleh bilah pisau yang tajam, lehernya terjerut mati sambil kakinya tergantung di udara, dan banyak lagi tragedi seumpamanya. Setiap satunya saling bersilangan dan berulangan.


Mayzara mula mengetuk kepala dengan dua buku lima. Setiap ketukannya memberikan gempa yang besar sehingga terasa berkoncang isi kepalanya. Mayzara teruskan bertingkah sedemikian sehingga getaran di kepala tidak lagi terasa kerana kebas mula merengsa. Puasnya terasa nyata. Lelahnya tidak terkata. Air mata juga semakin tenang ombaknya. Mayzara terduduk limpa sambil belakangnya tersandar pada dada dinding yang rata dan dingin.


Kenapa dengan Mayzara? Hanya Mayzara seorang yang mungkin mampu menjawab persoalan itu. Mungkin adalah bukan kerana dia berpura tidak tahu. Mungkin adalah kerana Mayzara sendiri ada mungkinnya juga keliru dan ragu-ragu dengan jawapannya sendiri. Keliru adalah kerana fikirannya mungkin dikaburi ilusi dan imaginasi yang bukan rekaannya semata. Semntara keraguannya pula melampaui batas prasangka. Oleh itu, Mayzara mungkin lebih memilih untuk tidak berkata apa-apa.


Langit masih tinggi. Bumi masih berputar. Angin masih berhembus. Nadi masih berdenyut. Inilah ia realiti Mayzara. Wujudnya seorang wanita menjadi perhiasan terindah di dunia. Mayzara ibarat bintang yang menyinari malam, menemani purnama yang mengambang, sambil diamati keindahannya oleh alam. Namun adakalanya sinarannya menjadi malap. Sedang purnama masih mengambang terang sambil ditemani bintang-bintang yang lainnya, siapa saja tahu apatah lagi sedar akan malapnya bintang yang satu ini.


Mayzara ialah bintang. Kewujudannya diakui. Sinarnya dipuji-puji. Tetapi ketidakwujudannya tidak diperhati. Malap sinarnya tidak diterangi. Mayzara ialah bintang. Menemani purnama mengambang namun tetap terasa hilang. Menghiasi langit malam namun dirinya terasa kelam dan tenggelam. Mayzara ialah bintang. Bintang yang asalnya terang. Kini kian malap dan semakin hilang.


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Mungkin ada yang perasan. Mungkin ada yang tak perasan. Farahin ada published posts tapi kemudiannya unpublished semula. Begitulah Farahin akhir-akhir ni. Banyak yang ditulis tapi kemudiannya dipadam. Tulis lagi dan padam lagi. Lagi, lagi, dan lagi. Farahin keliru dan ragu dengan buah fikiran sendiri sampai ada masa anxiety buat Farahin rasa geli-geli. Jadi Farahin gantikan dengan fiksyen pendek ni. Terima kasih sebab baca sampai habis. Komenlah sekali hehe





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