Cyberbully Is A Crime

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, readers! Here me again to speak up my mind. Yeah. I'm a coward. I'm less interested in intense argumentative conversation. That's why I write. I share my personal thoughts. Take what you want to have or you may not. Wait. What an offensive introduction. Ops!

Cyberbully is a crime. Yeah. As written above. I was instigated again with this matter. Because someone that I love is experiencing this. This time, I'm not sure if it's bigger or the biggest, but it's something different. I never know there is a thing like award to disregard someone's reputation. Wait? Do we have it too? Somewhat called The Most Controversial Celebrity? Read it again. Controversial. It's different with Popular. Maybe because I exposed myself more on positive things so I don't encounter this shitty often. Yet today, I encountered one. Accidentally.

Okay. Enough with the hate. I just vent out the main cause of what makes me sitting in front of my laptop right now. Now, let's get through the purpose of this post. It's still around the same thing. But let me take you going through a little piece of my mind. Our subject is criminals of the crime. The people who get someone bullied, spread hate, make threat, and even attempt the immorality.

So related to this matter, I've been thinking about it quite long and many times. Could it be, that some of this people are another example of people like me? Stuck in the merciless cycle of dark past. It's well known and clear to us, that they live up to hate. And I've been thinking, if they have this spacious place in their heart for hate, doesn't that means they have very little place for love? Or it could be, they actually receive very little love?

Even before this, I had this thought or more like a question just like above, do someone's bad deeds lessen the value of their lives? I mean, the life that we carry around with us while our brain and heart are still working and it won't be there anymore if one or both of them are gone. Because for me, everyone, actually everyone, deserve to feel loved and cared by others.

Hate? It's not easy to defeat. Just like how cyberbully has become this very difficult to be stopped. And when I relate it to what I've been thinking about those people, there is another way - Spread Love Not Hate. I know this sounds cliche since it has been said and mentioned around but I never gave it a deeper thought like how I'm doing right now. We need to spread more love than the hate that is made. Not only for ourselves. Not only for the victims. But also, for them who worship this rotten culture.

For me, I think I'm not often hate people but their action or behavior. Same goes with this matter. I hate what they're doing, but overall I don't hate them as human. If what I've been questioning is also its answer, from my perspective and understanding, this people need love as much as others. I don't mean to admire their bad deeds, but make them see that good deeds are still being cherish and they deserve a few of those.

Back to the merciless cycle of dark past. Look. We don't know what someone had experienced in years to decades of their life. No mention that we can't see it. We know what we know. And we don't know what we don't know. I, myself, applied this method to people around me. No one actually know all about us and it's the same case for us. So I'm thinking, what if, just like me, they are actually affected by hate for very long time and this effect urges them either to feel affected or spread the effect to others. Which later, the cycle may gets bigger and continues.

Look at my side, I do hate what people had done to me. And now, those people are leading their great life. Do I hate them? No. It's very difficult for me to make sure of this. And if I have to draw a figure or maybe figures of who I hate in my mind, then that would be those naive cheerful children in white uniform who so called classmates, schoolmates, and even the teachers. As if there is another world with me and them never get older and keep experiencing those hateful events again and again in unstoppable loop.

Yes. I am affected to my dark past. I do feel hate. It had been harvested almost two decades. The roots and thorns are embracing me and with them around me, my look is nothing less from a beast. However, because of this hate, the way I love myself and people around me are affected. I have difficulty to love myself but not people around me. I try to act kind because I know how it feels like to receive it very less, and even this can be difficult for me to do for myself. I believe no one can escape from this nature. It just happened differently. So maybe for them, they are affected to hate instead of love.

Anyway, I believe that no one can escape from wanting to be loved too. And I don't think that's wrong. What can be wrong is if we try to get that love in wrong way. And in this case, cyberbully is one of the example. You deserve love. You deserve care. But not in this way. Even if you do this for money and other big reasons, I know life can be harder than we think, I wish you know that there is still love inside you. You still can love. You can be loved. Don't hurt others and also yourselves. 

In a big picture, this life has always have two things. Right and Wrong. Options and None. But I can't spare my eyes that wide. I tend to look at this little part, and I see that this little part itself has many colors. Without this little part, would a big picture created? Sometimes, we don't have to build new routes and abandon the others. Just add some junctions or maybe traffic light or anything that could make the route safer and better. That's enough.

This matter is stressful isn't it? Plus this long long long writing from me. At least, now you know how a little part of my brain work. I believe I am a thoughtful person. And I also believe, when I push this thoughtful behavior to its maximum, I can be extremely overthinking. Then, that may causes me to fall ill. Anxious. Depressed. Moody. After all, I have an ill brain. It's called Bipolar Mood Disorder 2, in case you're curious for those who don't know yet.

Shall I conclude it now? I think so. First, spread more love than the hate that is made. Second, everyone deserve to be loved, like actually everyone. Third, you still can love and be loved. Don't hurt yourselves and others. Fourth, if we can remind someone to not give up on themselves, we should not give up on them too. You, bullies. I see you. I hate what you're doing but I can't bring myself to hate you.

For me, what you're doing is abuse to yourself. No. Don't repeat that cycle. You may can't stop it now. And you may learn the how. I'm a sick person, myself. I'm sick of this world too. I'm sick of human. So that's why, we may heal ourselves. Get help if you can't help yourselves. Get love if you can't love yourselves. But not in this way. There are other ways. Stop. Look around. If you can't see anything, if you can't see yourselves, you're seeing this writing. I'm sending love to you.

To you who don't feel exist, you read this is a proof you're exist. You see this is a proof you still can see something around you. You feel my writing is a proof you still can grow your feeling. You understand something from my messy writing is a proof your mind still has its sanity. You worry about my illness is a proof you value the worth of health. I'm sending love to you too.

Does it actually the matter of the bad is growing wilder?

Or it could be the good has being quieter?

READ MORE>>

Productive June

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, readers. How're you doing?

June is about to end yet here me writing my first post for this month.

Not actually sure what to write here. Guess, just like usual.

I'm going rant about how my life is going on.

This month is kind of difficult to describe. Many things happened. Maybe? First, about my medication. The pills are reduced from 2 and 1/2 pills to 2 pills. I'm not sure where did she (a doctor but not my usual psychiatrist) got this good idea to reduce my pills. But the last appointment I had, I had been asked to range percentage for my current condition. I actually hate this question. At some point, it made me anxious and this wasn't my first time. So I bluntly put the range - 80%. Hah! How impressive. Actually, I have been less sharing my thoughts and feelings with doctors I met during this pandemic. I just didn't had the courage and strength to be vulnerable. I only answered the basic questions and leaved.

Now, it's already my second week with this reduced medication. Unexpectedly, it seems my brain had reaction to it. During the first week, I experienced my hypomania after long not had one. Like usual, it lasted for 3 days. 3 days passed, I somewhat doing fine. But it only lasted for 2 days because later, mild depression came to me. It only lasted less than 48 hours but the feeling exactly how I used to feel when I was depressed. Almost every 10 to 20 minutes, I would had tears in my eyes. The first night when it hit, I suddenly went berserk with my long lost vulnerability. I texted my best friend who I had long not sharing anything with her. My text started with, A Letter To You.

After long not crying, no mentioned at late night, I wrote my text while crying so hard. I confessed, expressed, and shared whatever I could in my text at that time. My words were a big mess but I sent them anyway. I told her about the bad things I thought and felt as well as the good things that I tried to fight for yet I still could not escape from my own insanity. That night, I had both swollen heart and eyes. I felt pain that had not came for visit too long. The next day, the rest of my tears entertained this visitor. When night went late, only then I felt a little bit recovered.

Until today and now, I think fine is not the wrong word. Just I often running around my own feelings and thoughts in cycles like usual. Sometimes, I'm like that bulb which the light goes bright and dim almost every few minutes. It's worrisome yet still fine. Feeling confused is already my daily anthem. I can sing but not dance to it. I know what's all the mess there but I cannot figure how to tidy up or where to start yet end up feeling overwhelmed. Like right now, just a few seconds ago I took my own words seriously but later all seemed bad excuses I made to myself. Yeah. Just like that bulb I mentioned above.

Look. Know this. Some patients like me, we go up and down drastically. When we try to take it slowly, do it slowly, make it slowly, we still can't escape from the pressure. It's just like that moment we try to move forward while the strong wind is blowing towards us. But for us mental illness patients, this wind could be tornado, typhoon, mix of storm and rain, gloomy sky above with deserted land below, simply anything massive and destructive that to feel safe is like impossible. We're in survival mode, about to make something worthy, but we still feeling our life is at the last edge. The insecurity is too extreme at its maximum. We hate this word but still can't escape from it -- INSANE.

Enough. I make a long long write again.

But it feels good realizing I write this calmly

even though it is not actually match to what's inside.

In short, I'm not ruining the keyboard haha.

Until here, I end this post. See you later.

Take care. bye bye =)

READ MORE>>

I Don't Do Casual Curse

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, readers! How're you doing today?

It's only a few days left before Ramadan lefts us

and Syawal is just around the corner.

I don't know how to start this post. I've been often doubting myself lately. Especially, my thoughts and decisions. The way I revise them again and again don't make me feel better yet I come to encounter some kind of mental block. Someone might noticed or never, I did published a few posts here yet later I unpublished them. No mention I often deleted and rewrote captions that I made on my socmed. This thing is indeed normal at certain level. But when it is this too often for me, I don't feel it is normal anymore. Anyway, enough with the long introduction @ confession. Let's go straight to the real content.

I don't do casual curse. People said, especially those quotes and memes shared on socmed, when you cursed at your friends casually that means you're very close to not feel hurt with each other easily. So the thing is, I don't do casual curse. So far, I don't remember I called or used bodoh, sengal, or more such words with my best friends. They might used it with each other sometimes but not when they particularly communicated with me directly. Thus, am I not close enough with my best friends?

Maybe it's because I'm the only child, unlike most people around me who might has been growing using such words with their siblings, in their casual communication. Since I have been growing in this very like individual environment, I'm not very often exposed to this behavior. I think I have been growing with self learning of how to entertain myself without someone's presence.

Besides that, it may because of my own chosen society. I have my personal standard of who and what may get through my wall. It may has something to do with mistrustful behavior. However, I think it is more sided to patience and efforts. Also, it has nothing to do with time. Likely, it is based on my how comfortable and familiar I'm with someone. It may be cliche, but the final touch is when my instinct strongly tells me that it is alright to get attach with this person and my heart will just go for it.

Wait. Don't I kind of slip from the track? So in this matter, my kind of chosen society is like "I don't mind if you do casual curse but not with me." It's like a boundary. Your good and bad are yours. It may change or not. But when I have let you into my wall, your very presence is my important subject to learn. I may accept some parts of you and I may not for the rest. Above of all, your current presence is enough for me.

I spent years to let this group of friends entitles as best friends. Yet, I only spent months to get and feel close with my roommate from last year. We do attach to each other until now, even our distance makes each other absent. And she does do casual curse. When I was with her last year, I often heard she cursed over who knew what. However, until now, she doesn't do casual curse with me. I, myself feel comfortable with it and I hope she does too.

Anyway, I'm not too kind either with words or behavior too. I have my flaws and funny sides too. I do curse but not really casual because when I do, I really mean it. I curse when I'm in very bad mood. It also happens when I'm in very bad mood and something makes me jump out of shock. My curse don't have variety at all because I only use this two words, fuck and shit. They only have one sound to pronoun. Simple yet great impact, at least for me lol.

Last paragraph. So does casual curse is the right tool to measure how close you're with your friends? Well, it may be said so. Just like those quotes and memes. But for me, in general, to measure our bond or relationship with someone is counted on how safe and good we feel when we're with that someone. Either you do casual curse with each other or not, you know what is best for your own sake.

My little pious voice tells me, it's better to not curse at all. Such useless words are pointless. Ops!

Until here, I end this post.

Hope you love this sharing.

Thank you for your time and concern.

May you're blessed with good and healthy relationship.

See you in later post! bye bye. xoxo =)

When you cannot prevent the toxic, avoid it as best as you can.

READ MORE>>

Mutation

Spiny green hedgehog

A small pot of echinocactus

Hate in love is indeed poisonous

Nested sneaky giant snake

To love yet to hate

To move yet too late

Embracing dreadful echinocactus 

Sucking on murderous venom

Monstrous hate in love

To love and hate is too sad

To move yet still feeling bad

Mutating to green hedgehog

READ MORE>>

Metaphor

Gravity under feet

High sky is hanging above

Air fills two breathing packs

Frozen tongue with tangled words

A brain is planting a very quiet jungle

Called it biology, chemistry, or even physics

Still can't make sense this metaphor insanity

Too many, too much, too fast

Called it calculation, prediction, or assumption

Still can't make sense this miserable statistics

A brain is reconnecting to vague logic

Tied tongue with undelivered words

Packed lungs with heavy breaths

Dark sky is the continuous infinity

Gravity is too steep to not fall

READ MORE>>

Cerita Pendek : Malap

!! AMARAN !! AMARAN !! AMARAN !! Penulisan ini mengandungi unsur trigger dan suicide thought. Pembaca disarankan membaca dalam keadaan mental yang baik. Terutamanya, kepada pesakit mental atau sesiapa sahaja yang sedang mengalami kecelaruan mental yang serius ketika ini.

Tajuk : Malap

Jenis : Cerita Pendek

Genre : Remaja, Depresi

Penulis : Adrenalin Putra @ Suju Elfarahin

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Langit masih tinggi. Bumi masih berputar. Angin masih berhembus. Nadi masih berdenyut. Namun begitu, buat Mayzara semuanya kelihatan samar. Semuanya tidak membangkitkan sebarang semangat kehidupan tetapi nafas yang mengeluh hambar. Buatnya, langit sudah runtuh dan jatuh. Bumi sudah terumbang-ambing dalam pusaran yang menggaung dalam. Angin sudah membuaskan ribut yang menambahkan lagi ribut perasaannya. Dan nadi yang masih berdenyut seakan menghitung setiap titis toksik yang membunuh dirinya dari dalam.

Mayzara bingung. Tidak tahu apa dan entah kenapa. Seluruh tubuhnya menggigil seakan digigit kedinginan yang melampau sedang peluhnya merecik lencun di setiap liang roma kulitnya. Ketakutan yang merengsa emosinya tidak menang hendak dialahkan. Ditambah pula dengan panik yang mengalir deras merentasi jantung sehingga degupannya seakan menyerupai buasnya roda keretapi melandas. Sungguhpun begitu, Mayzara sedar akan realiti yang kini dikotori ilusi fikirannya yang berkecamuk.

“Diam!!!”

Mayzara meraung nyaring bercampurkan serak. Sepuluh jari mencengkam dalam di antara selirat rambutnya yang kusut. Mayzara bukan mahu mendiamkan sesiapa. Bukan juga sedang marahkan sesiapa. Sebenarnya Mayzara mahu mendiamkan segala apa yang sedang merasuki mindanya. Marahnya pula bukan marah yang biasa-biasa. Marahnya dihimpuni pelbagai rontaan perasaan yang mengamuki jiwa. Melibas setiap titik kewarasan yang berbaki.

Lensa mata Mayzara mula basah. Kolam mata semakin penuh dengan air mata lalu melimpah membasahi wajah seorang wanita yang sedang menderita. Mayzara meraung lagi. Kali ini kedengaran pilu dengan sendu yang sangat menghibakan. Sebaknya membuatkan jiwa membengkak dan memberontak. Tangisan Mayzara beterusan seolah tiada mungkin mahu berhenti. Kelopak mata mula bengkak dan terasa pedih membisa namun air mata masih deras mengalir.

Pelbagai senario dan idea bahaya melintasi fikiran Mayzara yang masih berkecamuk. Setiap satunya terasa sungguh jelas seakan tayangan pita bersuara. Dalam tayangan ini, Mayzara menyaksikan kepalanya dihantuk ke dinding sehingga berdarah, kulit tangan dan kakinya dihiris-hiris oleh bilah pisau yang tajam, lehernya terjerut mati sambil kakinya tergantung di udara, dan banyak lagi tragedi seumpamanya. Setiap satunya saling bersilangan dan berulangan.

Mayzara mula mengetuk kepala dengan dua buku lima. Setiap ketukannya memberikan gempa yang besar sehingga terasa berkoncang isi kepalanya. Mayzara teruskan bertingkah sedemikian sehingga getaran di kepala tidak lagi terasa kerana kebas mula merengsa. Puasnya terasa nyata. Lelahnya tidak terkata. Air mata juga semakin tenang ombaknya. Mayzara terduduk limpa sambil belakangnya tersandar pada dada dinding yang rata dan dingin.

Kenapa dengan Mayzara? Hanya Mayzara seorang yang mungkin mampu menjawab persoalan itu. Mungkin adalah bukan kerana dia berpura tidak tahu. Mungkin adalah kerana Mayzara sendiri ada mungkinnya juga keliru dan ragu-ragu dengan jawapannya sendiri. Keliru adalah kerana fikirannya mungkin dikaburi ilusi dan imaginasi yang bukan rekaannya semata. Semntara keraguannya pula melampaui batas prasangka. Oleh itu, Mayzara mungkin lebih memilih untuk tidak berkata apa-apa.

Langit masih tinggi. Bumi masih berputar. Angin masih berhembus. Nadi masih berdenyut. Inilah ia realiti Mayzara. Wujudnya seorang wanita menjadi perhiasan terindah di dunia. Mayzara ibarat bintang yang menyinari malam, menemani purnama yang mengambang, sambil diamati keindahannya oleh alam. Namun adakalanya sinarannya menjadi malap. Sedang purnama masih mengambang terang sambil ditemani bintang-bintang yang lainnya, siapa saja tahu apatah lagi sedar akan malapnya bintang yang satu ini.

Mayzara ialah bintang. Kewujudannya diakui. Sinarnya dipuji-puji. Tetapi ketidakwujudannya tidak diperhati. Malap sinarnya tidak diterangi. Mayzara ialah bintang. Menemani purnama mengambang namun tetap terasa hilang. Menghiasi langit malam namun dirinya terasa kelam dan tenggelam. Mayzara ialah bintang. Bintang yang asalnya terang. Kini kian malap dan semakin hilang.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Mungkin ada yang perasan. Mungkin ada yang tak perasan. Farahin ada published posts tapi kemudiannya unpublished semula. Begitulah Farahin akhir-akhir ni. Banyak yang ditulis tapi kemudiannya dipadam. Tulis lagi dan padam lagi. Lagi, lagi, dan lagi. Farahin keliru dan ragu dengan buah fikiran sendiri sampai ada masa anxiety buat Farahin rasa geli-geli. Jadi Farahin gantikan dengan fiksyen pendek ni. Terima kasih sebab baca sampai habis. Komenlah sekali hehe

READ MORE>>

Distant

Singing to a sad song

Dry tears on blushing cheeks

Wake up from a dream

Just to miss a distant love

Silhouette by the moonlight

Unforgettable figure

Afraid of fading memories

Singing to a sad song

This heartache is pure cider

Wander in illusion of reality

Stand still in uncertainty

Unanswered assumptions

Messy calculations

Afraid of left alone

READ MORE>>

Honey Bunny

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! How're you doing today?

The weather is hot at my place. ugh!

I've been counting days waiting for rain lol.

Today I would like to share about a bunny. No. Not that furball with long ears bunny. This bunny is a human. My favorite person. Honey Bunny is one of nicknames that I give him. Sometimes, I named him Gucci Guy too. But I think I favor Honey Bunny better haha. About this favorite person of mine, if you still don't get the hint, I'll make it straight for you. He is a celebrity. A singer. An actor. A public figure. So obviously this post may turn out as something toxic for some of you. If you think and feel so, I encourage you to stop reading now. Don't take poison just because it is given to you.

Not sure where to begin but I choose to start it with my worst life moment. 2019 was the worst year I had if I don't remember it wrong. Everything in my world crumbled into sharp and dusty pieces that left me in all blank and void. The loneliness was not something to do with space, time, or people. It was something that engulfed and possessed my thin skin to my thick bone, from mind all the way to my soul, that I seemed forgot how to live anymore. Death was my daily mantra, my pursue, my emotion. However, in the middle of this suffocating and killing fog, I saw a glimpse of figure with bright smile and strong personality. And the tale of bunny started.

Like some other human, appearance was what reached the eyes first. He was handsome. Have I mention it? He had bright smile. And this happened only by meeting his eyes while me facing my laptop screen. He played a male lead character in this one drama that I had watched in repeat that time while waiting for the next episode. I still rewatching again and again anyway lol. From just admiring a fiction character, a handsome face with bright smile, I started exploring the internet, looking for him. His name, his previous works, his past, his hobby, his personality, his attitude, any data that I happened to stumble on in this giant network. The good thing was I happened never stumbled on anything bad or controversial about him. Well, it wasn't my purpose too.

Day to day, month to month, even though I still couldn't looked away from crumbles of my life, he made me took some glances at him too. His handsome look. His bright smile. His laugh. I started to grow attach to this known unknown human. Bit by bit, he made me smile and I could feel love was still there, lingered and tingled around and inside my soul. By that time, which actually I don't remember specifically, he had became my favorite person. Just like how I admired Super Junior. People that fake themselves in front of camera, or that was what others said, but that is not how my perspective works. Just like us with multiple identities, so do them. I called it professional and realistic.

Days and months passed. 2019 ended. 2020 begun. I still favor this person. I am no more pay all my attention only to that handsome face of his. I even saved some no make up selfies of him. I enjoyed some silly moments he had himself. I admitted his lack as well as his nature as human. It may sounds pretentious but I don't use term "fan" easily. Not everyone can relate to this term and activity. Besides, I love it more to mention that "this is my favorite person". Favorite is a soft and fluffy word to me. Naive yet adorable. Yes, I love anything that is blessed with fluff lol. I proudly rant and brag around my socmed, that this is my favorite person. My honey bunny.

First time celebrating his birthday. First time celebrating end of year with him. First time starting a new year with him. And then all these good moments were followed with, first time watching him being pull out and push down with insults and slanders from a very huge amount of human. My favorite person, my honey bunny, had been caught in a massive murderous storm. His road was blocked. His sky was tainted. His soul was hurt. The moment I realized this matter, I had flashback of my want-to-forget-yet-unforgettable 2019. No matter he know it or not, this person had made my foggy and grey road a little bit brighter. This star I picked, had made my dim starlight accompanied by his. Now, it is my turn.

The massive storm had grew bigger and greater. It wasn't considered as work of haters anymore. It was violent. Threat. Bully. Even though I wanted to scold and yell to those parasites, I knew it was impossible and won't do any good, most importantly to myself. From reporting and blocking haters silently, I realized this wasn't good for my mental and physical. I am an ill person. I know my limit. This is toxic. Poison. Then, what can I do to help? I love. I enjoyed watching fans sharing his photos and video clips, leaved some kind comments if I felt like too, joined some fun voting poll, spreading the fandom name and support wherever I meant to. Yes, I didn't force myself. Just did it casually like I used to previously. Yet, my heart grew fonder, my love grew stronger.

Experiencing this pandemic moment, of course I won't got any news about him excepted that he secretly donated medical tools for the frontliners and their patients. It was disclosed by the receiver. Later, his country had back to open for daily routine and operation yet there was still no glimpse of him on camera neither from the industry nor fans. But I heard him. We heard him. He released a good song that he wrote it himself. The song was far than depressing but encouraging. Surprisingly, he made a few lines in english. It could be my only fantasy but it felt like he spoke to us, international fans. The song hit on top for music charts even now. However, right now, the storm is still going on but it gets a little calmer and he already started his defense through law.

What instigates me to write this long long long tale about my honey bunny today is what I had saw a few days ago and today. It's him! It's him! He made an appearance on camera! A one-to-one interview with him regarding this big matter. Not through phone or some kind auditory method, not even through real-time video call, but he was there, actually there, holding mic and made his responses calmly. The look in his eyes were all serious. That handsome face wasn't being playful. That bright smile appeared sometimes but it seemed there were sighs to it. This man is hurting. This man is growing himself better. This man is standing by his feet not because of others but himself. I didn't only watched him as celebrity here but also as a victim of cyber bully and violence. He is a human with tainted names and titles  people give him but he is still himself. Have I mention it? He has strong personality. He is soft. Looks kind. Sometimes can be adorably clumsy. Yet he is strong.

Oh! In case you wonder why I don't mention his name, I just mean to make it so. I think people don't really need names to know someone. Name makes us remember someone easily. But does it helps us to understand someone easily? For me, no. Even I, myself had limited access of understanding him. I judge what I feel like to judge. I love what I feel like to love. I write what I feel like to write. Above of all, I'm sharing thoughts and loves in my own way. People may resist and insist. So do I.

Final sharing. Being fan is not some kind of cliche high school drama with prince-like main male/female lead character. It is real so be real. Have your life. Keep your personality. Your love won't change the true nature of your idol as human being. You may learn from them but don't expect them to teach you. You may look up to them but don't expect them to fulfill your needs. Avoid from fighting or hurting anyone. Support and embrace each other often. We're all made to love.

Until here, ohmaigod !!!! did you really get it done !?!!

Thank you for your time and concern.

Thank you for reading it this far.

Cannot repay or ask more sobs sobs.

May you and your loved ones continue loving each other.

See you in the later post. Bye bye. xoxo =)

We are all stars that brighten each other starlight a little better for the better.

 

READ MORE>>

Segmen Bloglist PKP 2020

Assalamualaikum...

Orait! Nak join segmen ni since dah lama tak join apa-apa segmen kan.
Plus, tajuk segmen ni sensasi betul hehe. Syarat pun ringkas je. Okey. Jom start!

Pengalaman Farahin Semasa PKP

1. Klinik Psikiatri Tutup

18/3 - Farahin ada appointment dengan doktor. Pagi tu kalut sangat. Bangun lambat. Dah nak gerak pergi hospital, helmet pula lupa pakai. Sampai hospital, straight terus pergi klinik psikiatri macam biasa. Tiba-tiba keadaan macam kalut semacam. "Maaf, encik. Hari ni klinik tutup." \"Hari ni klinik tutup. Hospital perlu dikosongkan." \"Kita ada kes. Klinik tutup hari ni." Ya. Pagi tu Hospital Kluang ada kes Covid-19. Appointment pagi tu ringkas saja. Jumpa doktor, doktor beri preskripsi ubat, pergi ambil ubat di farmasi. Tak sempat nak sembang macam sebelumnya. Farmasi pun operasi cepat macam kilat. Setengah jam menunggu, ubat dapat, straight terus balik rumah. Fuh! Selamat.

2. Covid-19 Bikin Anxiety

Empat ke lima hari sejak balik dari hospital. Dada Farahin rasa tak selesa macam orang batuk sedangkan Farahin tak batuk. Hari pertama, kedua-dua belah. Hari kedua, kedua-duanya masih sakit. Hari ketiga, sebelah kiri sahaja yang sakit. Hari ketiga tu anxiety datang menyerang. Farahin panik takut diri dijangkiti. Macam mana kalau mak ayah terkena sekali? Mak ayah dah tua lagilah berisiko. Kenapa aku tak mati awal je? Menyusahkan betul. Farahin tahu anxiety dah hampir dengan limit maksimum jadi Farahin vent out dekat best friend. Macam biasa, dia sentiasa membantu dan menyokong. Anxiety Farahin beransur kurang dan hari keempat, semakin malam dekat, semakin hilang rasa tak selesa di dada. Alhamdulillah.

3. Mana Sarah?

Anxiety Farahin menyerang lagi. Kali ni disebabkan Sarah yang dah beberapa hari offline. Senyap sepi entah ke mana. Tak tahan dengan cuma menunggu dan buka tutup instagram dan whatsapp dia untuk pastikan andai dia ada online, Farahin hantarkan mesej ringkas di whatsapp "Sarah. I miss you" sekali emoji heart besar gedabak. Esoknya mesej terbalas dan Farahin menangis sendu bercampur rasa syukur dan rindu. Sarah menghidapi Major Depressive Disorder. Farahin boleh agak betapa kritikalnya keadaan dia. Tipulah kalau anxiety Farahin tak berbunyi macam ni, "Macam mana kalau Sarah dah tak ada?" Cerita panjangnya ada di sini dan sini.

4. Hospital Lama

15/4 - Appoointment dengan doktor lagi. Since Hospital Kluang dah dicop sebagai pusat rawatan  utama Covid-19, sebarang urusan dan rawatan yang lainnya dijalankan di Hospital Kluang yang lama. Buat pertama kalinya, Farahin minta ayah hantarkan untuk pergi appointment. Sebab? Anxiety. Farahin tak rasa Farahin boleh bawa skuter sendiri. Farahin tak rasa Farahin boleh sampai hospital. Farahin tak rasa Farahin selamat nak pergi hospital sendiri. Sepanjang perjalanan ke hospital, Farahin kejung beku di tempat duduk. Takut. Takut nak keluar rumah. Takut dengan Covid-19. Takut dengan penyakit yang membunuh ni. Takut aku naik gila je nanti. Sudah tentunya, bacaan tekanan darah Farahin tinggi melambung. Sebab? Anxiety.

5. Anxiety Bikin Lalai

Hari tu ayah hantar mak pergi hospital sebab mak demam teruk sekali sakit-sakit badan. Sedang Farahin tunggu nasi masak, ayah call, "Farah. Bawakan handphone dengan charger mak pergi hospital. Mana tahu mak masuk wad ke? Boleh?" Farahin iyakan saja. Memang masa tu Farahin rasa macam okey je. Siap-siap, dah nak gerak, Farahin mula kalut. Pagar rumah dah kunci, lupa helmet tak pakai. Nak buka pagar rumah yang dah kunci, kunci pula jatuh dekat kawasan dalam. Tangan tak boleh nak capai dari luar. Sebenarnya, awal masa bersiap lagi anxiety dah hai hai dekat Farahin. Eh! Bukan hari tu aku takut nak keluar rumah? Eh! Kalau kena roadblock, nak cakap macam mana? Shit! Kenapa kalut sangat ni? Fine! It's anxiety. Sudahnya, Farahin tak pergi hospital, tak dapat masuk rumah pun, lepak rumah mak sedara yang berjiran depan rumah, sambil tahan air mata. Benda kecil, benda mudah je Farahin. Itu pun kau tak boleh nak buat! Mak sedara gelakkan mungkin sebab nampak Farahin macam cuai tapi tak. Anxiety buat Farahin terlampau lalai dan longlai.

Jadi itulah ia antara pengalaman Farahin semasa PKP ni.
Berat. Serius. Tak happy. Tapi Farahin suka nak kongsikan dengan pembaca.
Itu pun Farahin dah cuba simpulkan seringkas mungkin haha.

Stay home is fine. But not with this pendamic.
Duduk rumah je pun rasa tak senang duduk disebabkan anxiety.
Appointment dan rawatan pun tergendala dan tak macam biasa.
Jadi tolonglah tolonglah duduk rumah dan cegah penularan wabak ni.
Farahin nak jumpa doktor. Nak sembang dengan doktor. Nak lepak farmasi macam biasa.

Okey. Bagi yang nak join segmen ni, klik banner okey.
See you in later post. Bye bye. xoxo =)

READ MORE>>

Voice Note

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, readers! How are you today?

How's your pkp routine? lol

Today I have happy news to share.

Next paragraph okay. hehe

Voice note. Did I spell it right? You know, that recorded voice you send via chat app lol. And this one I referred to Whatsapp Messenger. Don't say you never use it. Use it, now! Okay, that's too goofy. So, voice note. Remember my previous post? I see you, silent readers! hehe. I texted her on the same day before I made the post. Afternoon. Yeah. It wasn't a voice note. I made that post later because I could not bare the feeling alone anymore. It was insane. It was more like anxiety to me.

That night, I went to bed early. Since I've been taking Lamotrigine for 2 months, I can't even get my eyes open after 2.00 am. But that night I think I went to bed a bit earlier. I don't remember the time. Yet at 4.40 am, I suddenly woke up. Because why not? I had my sahur alarm unchanged for days lol. I stopped the alarm and that was when I noticed a pop up from Whatsapp. I took a quick sleepy glanced. At first, it was blurry. Yet later, no way! It's her! Yes. It was her.

I spontaneously opened her Whatsapp even when my sore eyes were killing me. Now I remember, it was because I had sleepless night before yet still woke up in the morning. So as soon as I opened her Whatsapp, I saw she was still typing. I wanted to read it but my eyes were killing me. And I silently and sleepily told myself, No. I need sleep. I didn't had proper sleep last night. I need better condition so I can read her text better later. Yes. Let's go back to sleep. She is still typing. Keep it cool. So I closed my eyes.

I closed my eyes. They were still freaking sore. However, I still could not stopped thinking about what I just saw. She texted me. She's texting me. Finally. I'm very grateful. The stings in my eyes got worst and I had tears under the lids. Yes. I was feeling very grateful that I ended up crying. Yet I still kept my eyes close until I don't know when I actually went back to my sleep.

The next day, I saw a few voice notes from her. I downloaded each of them nervously. I listened to them nervously too. She really had her worst moment that few days. I was crying while listening to them. And her voice, I miss that voice. I listened very attentively while imagining that we were sitting by our bed sides. She said it too, I miss to sit and chat with you by our bed sides.

I sent my replies by text and the chat kept going with mixed feeling. We cried, laughed, got touched, grateful, and more. I'm a little bit choking while making this post too. It was such a miracle. I texted her desperately the day before and the next day I got her replies. It was really like Allah answered my pray right on the spot. She said more beautiful things too. And those were also like Allah really sent my very far love to her. It is still too much like miracle even now too.

Above of all, I'm very grateful that she is fine and safe. We are back to our routine now, fangirling our mutual interest lol. It feels really good to have her back. For those who were praying for me and her, thank you. I can't repay you. May Allah always bless, protect, and guide you no matter where, when, and what are you doing and experiencing right now. Thank you for all your love and care.

Until here, I end this monday post.

Thank you for reading my long long post again!

See you in later post. Bubye.

xoxo =)

The more you love them, the more you miss them.

READ MORE>>

Love Language

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, readers! How're y'all today?

I'm just doing so-so. Average, maybe?

I've been worrying about a few matters this few days.

When I mentioned worry, I'm very close to anxiety.

Or maybe supposed, I already did?

And my biggest worry today is this person I love.

I think I did mentioned it before about my roommate. I thought I would wrote about her back then it seemed I wasn't, yet? Guess today's post is made for her. In very short time, just a semester, I've been growing fond on this girl. Her name is Sarah. 2 years younger than me. Yet I let her called me only by my name because I love it like that.

During our final 3 to 4 weeks as roommates before I packed my things and went home, we just about to get warmer to each other. We really took pretty long time to be very close. Perhaps because of our age gap. Perhaps because of our routine and personality. Perhaps because we were both ill. Yes. She is also a mental illness patient. I only got to know that three days before I  went home. She had been on treatment for two months back then. I appreciated that she opened up to me. A lot.

The last time I met her was the end of last february. February 28, to be exact. We were both excited to meet again. We handled our study deferment together. We went to Big Bad Wolf held in the campus together and shopped a few books. We walked and laughed together. We ate her favorite Oreo ice cream together. We took selfie for second time since the first one we took very long ago, during our first time waiting for rapid bus together. We had our second hug since the first we had before I went home.

That last time I spent time with her, I was actually noticed something but I refused to mention it boldly to her. I actually saw her was sobbing and holding her tears a few times. When I noticed that, my spirit went high that I kept offer her my laughs, smiles, and jokes. I let my good vibes all out to her and for her until later night I was exhausted, more like depleted physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I think this can be considered as my hypomania symptoms.

Even after that last meeting, we still get in touch. Mostly, we spent our daily routine with fangirling. However, there were times we encouraged each other. Again, I appreciated that she opened up to me. Yet it is just me that still pretty difficult at being open to her. Not because her side but mine. My courage. My mind. My heart. I promised her that someday I will. I will. I promised.

So here is the current matter. She has been offline for a few days. My instinct tell me that perhaps she is encountering her difficult time. I thought I would let her had her time and I would approached her a few days later. Yet, she is still offline. Her instagram is very silent. Her whatsapp has no profile photo and remarked as Unavailable. I cannot help to not feel worry. I texted her today. I don't mind whether she will replies it or not. It's enough just to have blue tick.

I'm very worry that I'm about to cry. Yes. I'm very anxious. Her last status I viewed, I noticed she was depressed yet we were still able to do our daily routine. But now she goes all silent, from worry, I become to miss her. Then, I noticed, how much I love this girl. I wish I can be with her. I wish I can offer her a few hugs and pats. I wish I can cry and feel a bit of her sufferings together. My heart is very heavy. My head too. And my tears fall at this line.

All I asked, all I can do, may Allah protect her, bless her, guide her, wherever she is, whatever she's doing and facing. I wish Allah send my love for her in every second I whisper her name in my heart, in my mind. I wish she can feel my love for her. I wish she will get online soon. Now, I'm actually sobbing. I wish it is just me being dramatic. I wish she is all safe and fine. Please, Lord.

To Sarah, I miss you. I love you.

I'm here for you, dear.

Time doesn't decide how fond you get to someone.
It's matter of heart that want to work the bond.

READ MORE>>

Cerita Pendek : Klise

!! AMARAN !! AMARAN !! AMARAN !! Penulisan ini mengandungi unsur trigger dan suicide thought. Pembaca disarankan membaca dalam keadaan mental yang baik. Terutamanya, kepada pesakit mental atau sesiapa sahaja yang sedang mengalami kecelaruan mental yang serius ketika ini.

Tajuk : Klise

Jenis : Cerita Pendek Genre : Remaja, Depresi, Halusinasi Penulis : Adrenalin Putra @ Suju Elfarahin - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Klise 1 : Sabar. Klise 2 : Nak hidup bukan senang. Klise 3 : … Aku peduli apa. Sabar aku sudah hilang sabarnya. Sudah makan banyak tenaga dan masa. Nak hidup bukan senang. Betul. Jadi untuk apa lagi aku bersusah payah begini? Menangis banyak tapi air mata macam tak akan pernah habis. Sendu kuat tapi tetap tak dapat memulihkan semangat. Jadi kenapa aku perlu tetap di sini? Menghitung hari? Menunggu mati? Butir-butir kecil warna putih yang terletak di atas tapak tangan aku tenung tak berperasaan. Sebiji. Dua biji. Tiga biji. Sekali sehari. Setiap malam. Hidup. Sembuh. Mati. Lambat-laun pun tetap mati. Hidup. Kenapa aku perlu teruskan hidup sedang akhirnya tetap mati? Kenapa aku perlu lalui hidup yang begini? Aku rasa macam dah nak mati. Aku rasa nak mati. Aku nak mati. Segelas air minum jernih yang aku pegang di tangan satu lagi aku tenung juga. Tak berperasaan juga. Segelas tapi tak penuh pun. Mungkin dalam tiga per empat. Satu suku. Aku sama macam gelas. Gelas yang dah retak dan bocor. Isilah sebanyak mana pun air, aku tetap tak akan pernah penuh. Sikit-sikit air akan mengalir keluar dari celah-celah retakan lalu gelas pun kosong. Kosong. Aku rasa kosong. Aku rasa tenggelam tapi pada masa yang sama terapung. Sebiji. Dua biji. Tiga biji. Aku campakkan butir-butir putih ke dalam mulut. Berlaga ketiga-tiganya sementara tangan aku yang sebelah lagi membawa gelas dekat ke bibir yang pucat dan merekah kering. Gelas didongak. Air dituang. Aku meneguk. Rasa pahit mula larut dalam air jernih dan aku segera menelan kesemuanya sebelum rasa pahit semakin memualkan. Mual. Aku rasa nak muntahkan semuanya. Isi perut. Isi daging. Semuanya. Ubat dah siap telan. Gelas dah hampir kosong. Tapi hidup tetap macam ni. Mata dah penat menangis. Kepala sakit. Dada sempit. Nak hidup bukan senang. Nak hidup bukan senang. Nak hidup bukan senang. Sabar. Sabar. Sabar. Nafas pendek terhembus keluar berserta tawa yang cuma sesaat. Haha. Hahahahahahahahaha. Klise 3 : Tawa merawat duka. Tapi aku ketawa sebab sedang berduka. terluka. terseksa. Sebelah tangan menggenggam buku lima. Sebelah tangan pula mula rakus melempar gelas ke dada dinding yang sudah pudar warna. Bersepai kaca. Berkecah merata. Tajam. Tajam. Semuanya tajam. Baru kali ini pandangan mata mula berubah warna. Teruja. Suka. Puas. Serpihan kaca di atas lantai aku pandang lama. Seminit. Dua minit. Tiga minit. Dan seterusnya. Masa berlalu. Dunia berubah. Tapi aku? Aku saja yang rasa mengalah dan selalu kalah. Aku lelah. Buku lima semakin ketat. Mampat. Ada pedih mencucuk. Terasa basah. Darah mengalir. Merah. Kuku panjang. Tajam. Memang padanlah. Nafas pendek mengelus dada yang terasa sempit. Luka kecil masih tetap terasa pedih. Perlahan-lahan, sebak berhimpun di jiwa aku yang lara. Kolam mata berair lagi. Penuh. Tumpah. Setitis. Dua titis. Tiga titis. Dan seterusnya. Air mata mengalir laju. Sendu aku tahan dulu. Kenapa aku? Kenapa mesti aku? Kenapa dengan aku? Dalam raung tak berlagu, dalam sunyi yang merencahkan perasaan benci, ada tepukan halus di bahu. Mengelus lembut belakang aku. “Menangislah. Aku ada dengan kau. Selalu dengan kau. Tak kira apapun jadi. Kau ketawa, aku gembira. Kau menangis, aku tetap ada bersama. Aku janji.” Sendu mula meraung kera. Buas. Keras. Aku meraung, meraung, dan teruskan meraung. Janji. Janji dengan aku. Janji jangan tinggalkan aku. Sejam ke dua jam. Dua jam setengah. Air mata semakin kering. Sendu semakin hening. Raungan tak lagi membuat bising. Aku bangun dari duduk yang lama. Sumbang langkah. Lelah. Aku berhenti di depan cermin almari yang comot. Aku pun comot. “Janji.” Mata yang pedih mengerling pantulan yang ada di belakang aku. Tak ada apa. Kosong. Tapi aku tahu dia ada. Berjaga. Bersama. Tersandar di sisi almari, sebatang penyapu yang hampir botak. Aku capai. Aku pegang. Aku lalukan pada lantai. Aku sapu dan kumpul serpihan kaca sekelompok. Tajam. Tajam. Semuanya tajam. Sebelah tangan dah berhenti berdarah. Sebelah lagi… Aku bergesa ke bakul pakaian kotor dan mendapatkan beberapa helaian pakaian. Aku alas. Aku serkup. Aku buangkan serpihan kaca ke dalam bakul sampah sampai habis. Aku bungkus. Aku ikat plastik sampah dengan ketat. Lantai dah bersih. Ubat dah makan. Hidup aku tetap macam ni. Hidup aku memang macam ni. Hidup aku…hidup aku tak dipinta. Hidup aku menderita. Hina. Lara. Hidup aku tak ada siapa yang tahu dan faham macam mana. Hidup aku, orang peduli apa. Hidup aku tak sempurna. Cacat. Gila. Klise 4 : Aku orang gila. Aku peduli apa. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Terima kasih sebab baca sampai habis ! Moganya fiksyen ini serba-serbi membantu dalam menambahkan pemahaman asas semua tentang sakit mental. Genap setahun sejak insiden Farahin cederakan diri. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and now I am diagnosed with Bipolar Mood Disorder Type 2. Anyway, hello to April! This time I'm not too late. Lambat sehari je kan hehe. See you guys in later post okay. xoxo =)

READ MORE>>

False Expectation

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, readers! How're you today?

Fuh fuh tiup sikit blog ni.

Dah lama sangat, dah jarang sangat buka blog

sejak balik dari kampus and now I'm on my deferment period.

Ngam je dengan Movement Restricted Operation and Covid-19 sekarang.

Well, stay at home has been always my best hobby lol.

Okey. Let's go straight to the written title. False expectation. Apa korang fikirkan bila baca tajuk ni? It's okay if there is nothing going on in your mind right now. Let's go through this post word by word. Maybe, paragraph by paragraph? Are you ready?

Have you ever received any compliment? It may sounds like, "You're pretty", "You're a clever person", "You're very hardworking", and something similar to those. Ada sesiapa yang tak suka dipuji ke? I believe sesiapa pun mesti suka. Termasuklah yang down to earth type. Tapi, have you, pernah tak, ada masanya korang rasa tertekan, terkilan, dengan pujian yang diberikan?

Based on my personal experience and perspective, one of the causes kita kerap rasa tertekan, bimbang, dan mungkin hampir jatuh ke lembah kemurungan adalah kerana misconception, tersalah sangka dan kefahaman, terhadap pujian itu sendiri. Ask ourselves, pernah ke kita tak terfikir yang "orang kata(puji) aku macam ni" jadi "aku mesti macam ni dan jadi macam ni"?

Okey. Here is the twist. Don't confuse compliment as expectation. Compliment is not expectation. Compliment is another language or act of love. Compliment is not request to be fulfilled but gift to be appreciated. Not debt to be paid too. Compliment doesn't define who you are. Who we are. Compliment is an example of good judgement from a person to a person. Compliment is not expectation.

Misconception. Salah faham. Salah anggap. I experience this misconception too. This misconception may causes us to doubt ourselves. Fear of to not meeting those compliments that are given to us. As if they are debts to be paid. Until then, we exhaust our energy more than we have to fulfill this False Expectation we create for ourselves.

Actually, it's all matters of perspective. Bukannya look at the bright side. Not toxic positivity. Not denying negativity. Tapi lihat sesuatu dari sudut atau perspektif yang berbeza. Positif dan tidak(mungkin kurang) membinasakan. Negatif dan dipelajari untuk diolah, diuli, dibentuk menjadi sesuatu yang lebih baik.

I think circle is my most favorite shape. Mungkin ada kaitannya juga dengan how I love cute things. Even bubbles lol. But something uniques about circle is, ianya kelihatan seperti tiada sudut. Tetapi hakikatnya juga, ianya melingkungi sudut 360 darjah. Bayangkan kita berada di dalam sebuah bulatan. Berdirilah di mana-mana lingkungan bulatan itu, adakah mungkin kita tetap melihat sesuatu itu sama semuanya?

Apapun, tak kira apa dan bagaimana kita menerima dan menganggap pujian yang diberikan kepada kita, suka Farahin nak kongsikan peringatan ini, untuk diri Farahin dan semua yang membaca, it's okay, tidak apa kalau kita tidak memenuhi pujian-pujian yang diberikan. Jangan susahkan diri. Sakitkan diri. Musnahkan diri.

Ulangan, pujian bukan pengharapan. Bukan beban. Bukan tanggungjawab. Bukan hutang. Pujian adalah hadiah tanda sayang dan menghargai. Pujian adalah perspektif baik orang lain terhadap kita. Bukannya perspektif kita terhadap diri kita. Ianya lebih wajar disyukuri daripada digendung separuh mati.

You know what? I love this good part of my brain. Mind twister. It's both tricky and fun. It makes me feel connected to myself. My inside and outside. However, what I've been noticed almost this one year as mental illness patient is my brain won't play this game when it's unhealthy. So I'm glad to share, I'm in good condition as I'm writing this hehe. For me. For you. For us.

Until here, I end this post.

Thank you for spending your time

reading my long nags and brags.

See you in next post.

xoxo =)

There is nothing called look at the bright side
but better self-benefit perspective.

READ MORE>>

No More Major Depressive Disorder

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! How're you? It's already midnight so I'll make a quick writing because I need to wake up very early. Why? Maybe I will write about it later. But tonight, I just want to update a thing about my life. It has been 7 months since I've been diagnosed as mental illness patient. The road was mostly difficult and bad. Yet, Alhamdulillah I made it this far. All the pain, scream, cry, they were worthy. So I love to remind you, it's okay to not be okay. We're just human trying to be more human than some kind of production machine.

Okay. Continue. 7 months ago, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. The signs were very obvious and strong that I ended up deferred my study. Last month, end of January, I was no more a MDD patient yet diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2. After 2 weeks, and three days ago, I was diagnosed with another different mental illness named Bipolar Mood Disorder Type 2. I still not doing my little homework about my current illness and that's it. I'm no more MDD. I still had depression sometimes but mood swing came more often, including anxiety. However, it seems that recently I've been making improvement on how to control this disorder emotion better.

The road is still long ahead. Even though I'm almost blind about something that human used to call future. In present, I'm doing okay now. It has been 1 month and plus I didn't turn on my laptop. Now seconds I turned it on, I cannot help to not write something on my beloved blog. To you followers, thank you for still following this blog. To viewers, I see you even though I don't know you. Thank you for passing by and stay for awhile.

Until here, I end my post for tonight.

Oh! Almost forget, late greeting to february lol.

See you in later post. Goodnight! xoxo =)

Life may drives us apart but not our heart and memories.

READ MORE>>

Life

turn my back from the light

the sad melody keeps on playing

no tears to my eyes

no scream to my cry

had i lost what i lost

had they gone no matter what the cost

this adventure challenges me to kill

no blade slashes and blood splashes

yet the uncountable death remains

and it is renamed to life.

READ MORE>>

Bleed

if i bleed myself

overflowed red liquid

running down my skin

if i bleed myself

it is not blood but anguish

crawling out my cold body

if i bleed myself

still it is not the end

because you are here to spend

READ MORE>>

Twenty Twenty

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, people ! How are you ?

How was your first day of 2020 ?

Mine was still as ordinary as usual.

I just finished all last six episodes of anime

Demon Slayers Kimetsu No Yaiba this evening lol.

However, I don't think I'm finished sending my farewell to 2019.

There were a lot of things happened in my 2019, both good and bad. I think it was the longest year I ever had. Half of it was overflowed with hellish feeling, both physically and mentally. I almost attempted suicide yet fortunately only ended up cutting my wrist. Next, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Then, I made decision to defer my study. I had lost too much. I lost my mind and sane. I lost most of my time to depression. I lost myself too. Even things that I actually never had, called future. Things had been very difficult and exhausting.

However, despite of all the lost, I also gained a few other things, good things. I found some other sides of me, as well as people around me. I also found a few new people. Some of them made me feel enchanted to get a little bit closer, while the rest caused me to draw thicker borderline. When I felt like my heart was no more beating with love, someone from a very far place somehow succeed at making me to overflow my heart with love again. I'm still unable to love myself as well as this world and its people as much as before yet the love actually still there. I just know it.

Following all cries and screams, I am also actually overflowing with feeling of thankfulness and gratefulness. At first, I thought 2019 was such a breaking point for me. Yet later I noticed it was indeed a breaking point and also a turning point for me. I have neither spirit nor courage but only prays to keep me going. Even now a year had actually passed, I still don't know who and what actually am I. Not to say about the tomorrow and day after too. But I'm sure enough that things are changing. I'm still insanely changing. I cannot even say that I am not both nervous and super anxious. But I'll try to make it through from a day to day. As simple as just lying breathing and say bismillahi wa lillahi taala.

Last but not least, I love to send my big big thanks to all prays and supports that were sent to me. I have nothing great unlike others to repay all those goods but only a pray for all to be always blessed and loved by Lord, more and more than you're having it right now. Thank you for coming, staying, and leaving. Thank you for making me learn and earn. Thank you for just been there. Alhamdulillah. Farewell, 2019. And hello 2020!

Sometimes what has been lost is no more necessary to be found.
Sometimes what does stay and come is worth more to be nurtured.

READ MORE>>