It Is Not Safe To Be Safe

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,

I just finished my afternoon shower when I found out there were 2 missed calls from psychiatry clinic . The second I thought of whether to return the call or not , a call came in . I was told by my therapist that he had to cancel my session on that day because he had emergency appointment to attend and he would arranged new date and called me later .

One week passed and I still didn't receive any call from him . I thought of to make the call myself yet two weeks passed and I didn't make any call . Actually , I had been contemplating whether to continue receiving therapy or not for almost 2 months . Somehow , I had started feeling unsafe to attend the therapy out of fear to get attach to it and be dependent .

Since the last session on March 26 , I had this false alarm been messing around in my head said "It is not safe to be safe" . I was very familiar with this thought and feeling . As a person who have had constantly carrying emotional pain from trying to survive rather than living for my whole life , my nerves system have had got used to be on alert over both known and unknown threat or danger .

As I was going back and forth considering the thought and convincing myself to continue attend the therapy at the same time , I happened missed my appointment with psychiatrist on July 22 . It took just seconds to decide that I need to book new date the next day . Instead of make a call as suggested prior , I intentionally walked in .

After I had booked the psychiatry appointment's date , somehow I gathered my last bit of courage and walked in the therapy unit . I had my therapy appointment booked too . I was glad that no staff and nurse lashed at me for missing my appointment . I had been feeling anxious and kind of emotionally prepared for the worst since I was still at home .

Meanwhile I had the psychiatry appointment booked on August 19 , the therapy appointment was set on set on July 24 .  Unlike last session on June 18 , my mental health wasn't in best condition . I had moment of blank mind and quietly crying just like during other previous sessions . I did tell my therapist about the "It is not safe to be safe" false alarm and the intense fear that had been building up over time .

In the past , I had gone missing in air on counselling after three sessions and therapy after one session . I thought the history will be repeated this time too . I almost didn't make it . Yet I ended up sitting in front of my therapist anyway even though I had my trust wavered and my mind was unsure about decision I had made .

While I was still feeling unsafe during the session , I realized that my physical response says otherwise . The quiet cry , heavy dropped shoulders , and fidgeting trembling hands that I experienced were signs that my nerves system was responding to "Safe" and relieving the accumulated stress I had been carrying all this time .

There was something about the room's surrounding . Even though the wall wasn't sound proof and he intentionally let the door opened as supposed , I could sense this soothing and cooling quietness that embraced me while I was burning like over long running machine that was about to explode in anytime . By sense , I meant physically .

Meanwhile I feel okay that I have medicine to consume forsake of my mental health , I don't feel the same for receiving therapy . Meanwhile I feel okay to depend on medicine , I don't feel okay to depend on emotional support from someone . To have going through this struggle , I do pity myself . I feel sad for myself . The dark truth about healing is that it is just another kind of survival .

Trauma isn't always about what had happened , but also about what had never happened .

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Show Up

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum

Last Tuesday , I attended my doctor's appointment as usual . While I was waiting for my turn , I noticed something heartwarming . This wasn't my first time seeing it . I just felt deeper about it at that moment .

All this time , I had seen patients were accompanied by family members and friends many times . Sometimes I could hear persons at behind had friendly or casual conversation . There were kids with them too .

Seeing this moment , I heard my inner self said , " Isn't that beautiful ? " Indeed , it was . It was beautiful that those patients were supported by their closed ones as needed and supposed event though as simple as show up and be there .

I had my best friend showed up with me to attend my first few doctor's appointments . Her presence was very helpful , stronger than the tension I felt and carried during those difficult times . We talked less while waiting but just be there .

It is said that family support matters for mentally ill patients . Even though I had long ago dropped this idea , it's undeniable that there are many patients who really need their family and closed ones support . Yes , as simple as show up and be there .

Show up may be verbal and non verbal .

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From Patient To You

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,

Last January 22 , I had my second therapy session . The time spent was just about maybe 40 minutes , shorter than time spent from first session . The therapy was dismissed earlier because I was in stable condition , unlike when I attended the first session . This second session surely went smoother than the first one for me .

During the second session , I spoke calmer than before . My mind was clearer and my thoughts were pretty organized too . Thin tears and trembling voice did show up each time I felt slightly overwhelming with emotions . There were a few moments where I had to confront my inner critics while sharing my good thoughts with the therapist .

What I earned the most from this second session is validation . I was validated by my therapist about how I have high self awareness and enough coping mechanism to cope with my depression and anxiety . It is a lie to say this validation is not meaningful to me . I might do reading and self-learning to raise my understanding and awareness about mental health issue , mainly related to my mental illness . However , validation from professionals do matter just to make sure I have gained proper knowledge .

Here so me tonight is to share a few pebbles I have in my hand which might be helpful for you now or later . At first , I thought to make this sharing mainly 'from patient to patient' . But I had second thought later , I want to make this sharing is 'from patient to you' . I am the mentioned patient and you are whoever might need these pebbles .

Have you ever knew about taboo words to say to people who are going through depression or anxiety ? Whoever says these taboo words will be labeled as 'red flag' instantly . However , I just recently understand these taboo words differently . From patient to you , I will highlight common three ( the so called ) taboo words and how I perceive it based on my personal understanding .

( 1 ) " Be Positive " ; Of course , I agree that be positive or thinking about positive matters can't make us move on from depression or anxiety instantly . However , there is something magical about think positively . At least one positive thought , it will create little sparks of reconnection impulse in our brain . We will think and feel better from time to time . When I was at edge , usually I would kept at least this thought at back of my head , " Nothing last forever . This is just temporary . "

( 2 ) " Touching grass " ; This line used to get on my nerves . As if my struggle to move around was dismissed . Turns out , I felt so because I missed the real meaning of this line . Touching grass is not about meet people , go out , and see the sun , like we usually think . Actually , it is about reactivating sensory system ; smell , taste , touch , sight , and hearing . The least stimulation we experience , the more intense the numb we feel . I'm still struggling to practice touching grass too . I can hardly leave my room .

( 3 ) " Be grateful " ; Receiving these words do make us feel like the bad guy . As if our hardships are too little and unburdenning . From my deeper understanding , be grateful is not about belittle our difficulties . It is about growing sense of feeling satisfaction and achievement . It is about be in the present , give gratitude to what we still have and can do . Lately , I found happiness from tidying up my bed after waking up and before I went to bed ( feeling like preparing bed for a princess haha )

In any case , we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves . We shouldn't push our energy beyond the limit . It is common to feel weak when we are too ill . Don't force ourselves to act tough . It is not up to us to recover from flu but our body system . All we can do are to take medicine and extra rest . Same thing goes to mental health . Do what we can . While that , hold on the awareness we have gained .

Do you still remember that we were given one same title for writing test ? Yet each student wrote different story . Aren't that amazing ? Aren't that says a lot about us ? Not everyone speak our language . Not everyone thinking the way we do . Not everyone need more understanding and awareness as much as we do . So hold on the worth and meaning of those lame lines rather the words . Same view , different perspective .

I am a person who functions with details . The more I know , the higher my awareness , the more meaningful that something to me . When science says " Family support does matter " , I break it with " I need people who know how and can support me " . When poet says " It is like have demon in the head " , I break it with " I make friend with enemy ( turns out it is never an enemy ) " . Here when taboo words are spreading , I dig into deeper meaning and different understanding that makes me feel better .

My writing was never short . The words overflew and I end up writing both diary and thoughts on same page . While I keep going with word by word , my heart and brain breathe with relief . It is mesmerizing how writing can make me feel so much . This person has lots of unsay thoughts and feelings . This person has lots to say but writing is more likely her best language . Until here then , see you in later post . Nite nite

Same title , Different story .

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Ini Sebabnya Tak Dapat Follow Blog

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,

Bukan sekali . Bukan dua kali . Bukan juga tiga kali . Dah banyak kali jadi , bila Farahin nak follow blog other bloggers , mesti dapat pop up notification yang kata Farahin tak boleh follow tersebut . Farahin sangkakan internet yang lagging atau sistem blogspot yang error . Rupa-rupanya bukan itu masalahnya .

Memandangkan Farahin tak boleh follow blog other bloggers dengan tekan button follow , Farahin cuba cara manual . Pergi ke reading list , klik manage , dan cuba add link blog yang Farahin nak follow . Kali ni pun Farahin dapat notification lagi , "you cannot follow more than 200 blogs" Ehh sejak bila blogspot jadi kedekut ni ?

Blog Farahin ni dah sedekad matang usianya . Dah banyak kali tukar nama . Dah banyak kali tukar template dan edit design . Dah banyak perubahan dari segi penulisan . List blog yang Farahin dah follow pun 2000+ blogs . Sekarang limit boleh follow 200 blogs saja , serius kedekut .

Tapi no choice lah . Kite terima saja sistem baru ni . Farahin pun perasan dah banyak sangat blog yang dah bertahun-tahun lamanya tak aktif . Elok Farahin unfollow saja blogs ni . Tabahkan je lah nak semak sebiji-sebiji . 2000+ blogs kot . Semalam pun dapat setel 10 blogs je huuu

***
Maka disarankan sangat tinggalkan link awak okey . 
Bolehlah Farahin dan bloggers lain datang jenguk sekali sekala

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What Did The Therapist Say ?

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,

Hello , owlies ! I'm back , as promised . Hmm if you read my previous blog post , I did mention about that I have back to therapy now . I just had my first session last Tuesday . I felt very nervous the moment I woke up on that day . I even skipped my lunch and attended the session with empty stomach .

The session started with I was asked to answer DASS test , sure not a new thing to me . The result was as expected too in which I got maximum mark for Depression and Anxiety . Meanwhile the mark for Stress showed as less severe , neared to medium level . Here , the real therapy session begun .

The session lasted for about an hour and half . There was no moment my eyes didn't holding back tears yet the tears eventually fell . I was choking in between words I tried to utter . There were times silence lingered in the room but not my sobbing . Skip the long chat I had with the therapist , here in my tonight's post , I would like to share what did my therapist say from our first session and what I think about it , as much as I can remember .

"Saya guna term awak , (tak ada) emotional drive . Ni sebenarnya awak demotivated ." I acknowledge this opinion . This is exactly how I have been feeling for one whole year now . I can hardly feel and want to start things . I don't have desire to really chase certain things in my life . I feel stuck and don't feel like to go anywhere . I have lost my emotional drive .

"Uish , awak masak . Ni maknanya awak masih ada rasa nak give something to someone , be considerate . Ayah awak ." Here he pointed out the little good thing that I have never seen so , giving something . I have been growing the thought from time to time that I am a burden and useless , have nothing good to offer .

"Tempat tidur okay kan . Awak masih boleh tidur . (Tempat tidur) bersih ." The love-hate relationship I have with my room is endless . It is the worst and most shameful place in the house and sure I forbids anyone entrance . Only after his point , I came to realize that I still can keep my bed comfortable , still aware of my personal needs .

"Benda (motivation) ni sebenarnya mula daripada minat . Apa yang kita suka ." This is THE POINT . I am a person who does thing by emotional drive . I do things that I feel good about ; before , during , and after . What made me keep going during study ? What made me seeking job and going to work ? What made me start joining dropship ? I felt good . I liked what I do . Sadly , not anymore . Not now .

"Awak keluar ke bandar . Just untuk aktifkan sensory . Ni membantu juga . Tengok orang . Touching grass ." Sensory reactivation . My mind was clicked the moment 'sensory' was mentioned . Those little information related to mental health and nervous system I had read started appearing . Now 'touching grass' doesn't seem dull in my head . I do need to go out , even just for nothing .

"Awak ni okay . Masih okay . Awak masih ada motivation . Cuma kena polish lagi ." Really ? I'm not as brave as I used to anymore . I feel fear very often , most of the time . I even decided to cut ties I have for emotions and memories , out of feeling constant pain to want deep connection plus moving on from separation . Missing someone special is heartbreaking , and with that many years had passed .

"Saya cadangkan awak teruskan , buat je apa yang awak buat sekarang ." Is this okay ? The way he said the line was quite comforting , as if these little things I have done which never feel enough to me and made me ask my worth , are actually helping in someway . Is this really okay ? I am struggling to feel such , yet I am still wise to agree . I still can do .

"Session kita ni tak payah formal . Santai je ." Such simple words sounded really intentional to my hearing . I started realizing how I usually functioned quite formal or half casual when I attended therapy session in the past . I tried to act friendly as if I was breaking the awkwardness I felt but actually the act was more likely one of survival mode , to not receive bad impression or cause the other feeling bad . I well known how very tall and thick my wall is .

It would be lie if I didn't have thin tears in my eyes while writing this . Remembering all this kind words I had received is like rubbing medicine on wounds . It stings and I endure the sharp , burning pain . How much hurt I have caused to myself ? How severe the wounds I carry all this time have become ? How weak and sick I am now ? I feel very sad and sorry for myself .

I wonder if I still can write in a few days later . If I still have thoughts and feelings to write about . If I still can write with proper words , without tangled thoughts . I am grateful that I still like writing , a way for me to express myself . I have left my diary unwritten for a very long time . At least , I still want to come back here and feeling the ease in my heart while writing . Until here then . Good night . 

Receiving kindness can feel like burning pain while having medicine rubbing on wounds .

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10 Deep Questions Prompt

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum

Hello , cute peeps ! Here me , show up with the very first post of this december haha . Today I come back with prompt thing again . The deep questions are interesting and so I would love to try answer it . To find this kind of prompt thing , you can do searching on pinterest . Quick jump , enjoy your reading !

What are really small things in life that make me happy ?

Small things in life that make me happy are when I receive simple greeting from my favorite persons such as 'good morning' or 'good night' wish . I just like it when my favorite persons show up with reminder or sign that I am still in their mind .

What is my favorite childhood memory ?

My favorite childhood memory is growing up with interest in drawing and coloring , even now . Had my father made mathematic addition and minus homework is also my favorite childhood memory . ( I didn't start my kindergarten yet at that time )

What is my least favorite movie genre and why ?

My least favorite movie genre is typical love story . Anti romantic me find the story is boring and expected . I prefer movie or series drama that serves romance as side story . Love is diverse . I am not interested to stuck at one kind .

Aside from basic necessities , what are three things I couldn't go day without ?

Three things that I couldn't go day without are breathing , music , and safest space ( of course , it is my room ) . Although I often feel unworthy to stay alive , have difficulty to breathe is still inconvenient and feel threatening . 

What is my current proudest achievement ?

I have to convince myself about this matter . My current proudest achievement is that I am back to therapy after one year and plus , surrendered to anxiety and depression that worsen day to day . I have very little courage to help myself now .

What is something about myself I think is uncommon ?

Be myself , something about myself I think is uncommon is I am not easy to follow majority and somewhat causing intentional hardship to myself . Some people will question it . I don't feel necessary to install tiktok . I don't care about missing trend . I do my laundry using hands , spend an hour in the bathroom .

What chore could I go my whole life without doing ?

I can't figure out anything to answer this question . Hmm

What would my dream vacation look like ?

The word 'dream vacation' doesn't make my mind pictures any places , but people I would love to spend quality time together . Have long casual , open , and emotional deep talk , doesn't matter where , I would be the present person .

How do I like to express my appreciation for someone ?

I am not best at expressing my appreciation for someone verbally . It always come in a form of text . It could be handwriting letter or emotional online message . Sometimes I express the appreciation using songs that make me think of them or us .

What is one thing I wish people understand about me ?

One thing I wish people understand about me is that I carry mental illness with me all the time . Sometimes I can't be functional like other normal people and need practical help . It is not special treatment that I demand , but real awareness about mental health issue .

Answering these deep questions was quite calming . The feeling I get is different unlike when answering other previous prompts . Perhaps too , I am in good condition to sort of my mind right now . I believe attended the therapy two days ago does helping too . I am grateful that the first session wasn't a bad experience .

Until here , I promise to come back here again . I just know that I am meant to write hehe . Mind to leave your sweet comment too . See you in next post , sweetie . Bye bye

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Hiccup

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,

Oversharing felt wrong . The more I explained , the more silly it seemed . The more words I uttered , the least I understood it myself . The more I wanted to make it clear , the least I believed my own words . Every word that came out from my mouth was accompanied by mocking giggle and crowd noises in my head . I couldn't hear myself and both of my auditory and visual senses were messed up . The message I wanted to deliver , the conversation I wanted to make , everything just didn't feel right .

Yet , not sharing anything felt wrong too . The more I tried to silent my thoughts , the more often it would reappeared . The more I pent up my thoughts and feelings to myself , the heavier both of my head and heart felt . Even writing it down was just a temporary relief . Later on , the same thoughts would came back and messed up with me again . It was very frustrating up to painful that I could feel the killing tension around my head . My respiratory system felt narrow as well as many small pricking on my chest .

Speaking up was a great torture , every time . Spilling out overwhelming thoughts and feelings was like be forced to vomit while had my throat choked at the same time . The hiccup I made wasn't like some common sobbing . I felt like a blunt object was hitting my jugular notch repetitively , every hit was deep . I had my chest and lungs feeling acute pain . My hands were trembling terribly , as if receiving constant electric shot . I had my eyes closed , feeling the pain and shock all over my body , in dark blank .

Despite have such deep awareness about my condition , the war I have with self stigma is still going on endlessly . It's embarrassing that I express how weak I can be , while others seem confront it all fine . It's embarrassing that I express how much pain I have to take , while others have theirs untold and normalized . It's embarrassing that I express myself the way I am , while others carry themselves like proud blooming flowers . It's embarrassing that self stigma still winning .

I feel like shit . I think like shit . But my body still has me
in between denial and reality check .

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Quiet Character

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum . . .

[ Another messy , mix up rant . Anyway , happy reading ! ]

I copied a lot of things from observing people while growing up and becoming adult . I copied how to be friendly , let people feel less awkward when they are with me . Especially , when we are yet familiar with each other . I copied how far I'm allowed to tease someone with some silly jokes , let the person smile without feeling down about themselves . I copied how rude I can be , the bare minimum just enough to relieve myself alone . I copied how to show affection and expression , almost like fictional character but I never lie about how I feel .

I copied a lot of things those I received least while growing up and becoming adult . I made myself into puppet yet seems alive . At some point , I let people played with me less from time to time . Later then , I played a character myself and interacted with them . Unfortunately , there is one thing I'm still failed to copy called sympathy , even though I'm made with built-in hypersensitive empathy .

I also analyzed a lot of things those I experienced from and with people at first time and a few times later . I analyzed the effects of those experiences to myself . How do I feel about it ? What does my mind says about it ? Should I adjust it or just simply copy it as it is ? How do I want to feel about it ? How can I convey similar good energy to the other ? Or maybe , should I won't let myself to experience it again ?

Realizing how very unexpressive I'm at home don't make me feel good . Realizing how very deep the roots have reached underneath don't make me feel good . Realizing how my thoughtful mind and informative speech are dysfunctional when I'm at home don't make me feel good . Realizing how very unfriendly and affectionless I'm at home don't make me feel good . Realizing how I internalize to put all the blames on myself about don't make me feel good .

I'm too early yet adult enough (maybe) to think about parenting and childhood trauma . Perhaps , I'm just redirecting my overwhelming personal grief , turn it into something that it's not all about me but us . Perhaps too , my empathy is restless from not doing anything under act of rescue (as if) , even though it may not makes anything becomes better . Or I'm just clueless yet nosy .

Not all quiet children are just quiet . Not all quiet children are just well behaved . They cry soon after they're born . They throw tantrums out of feeling stress and angry . They make sounds and pronounce words soon when they able to . They are hyperactive that even adults can't match with the energy . Formerly , children aren't make to be quiet because their whole system is progressing and developing . Quiet children should have their own way to be expressive , accompany by adults . Quiet is loud too . 

Have you started wondering why some children are quiet and well behaved ? Have you started wondering what quiet children have in their mind ? Good adults are not perfect . Good adults make mistake . Good adults miss many steps . Good adults may not seen as such by children and it remains unsaid by them . Good adults won't ever get to hear it at all when quiet children started have their own personality and ways of thinking . Quiet children won't ever speak again .

Why we stop listening to children once they can speak clearly , unlike before ?

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Childhood Prompts

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum . . .

Hello , peeps ! Afternoon , everyone . Dah lama sangat tak ke sini kan . Rindu rindu rindu rindu . Have my fingers dancing on the keyboard memang tak pernah tak satisfying . Teringin nak post satu kali after lama menghilang but I'm not sure nak tulis apa . Bukan tak ada idea tapi banyak sangat kata-kata yang tak terluah di kepala . Jadinya Farahin decide to come back with journal prompts ! Hehe

What made me doubting myself as a kid ?

Be laughingstock because of my look .

Who was the first person who made I feel insecure ?

Teacher .

Letter to my parent with everything I want to say to them

I have lots to say but let's just skip this .

What is something my younger self would be surprised about me now ?

I have interest in science (even though I didn't excel the subject at school and I hated it during primary school lol)

What was one time I remember feeling wronged as a child ? How did I react ? Has this affected me in adulthood ? If so , how ?

Teacher be sarcastic about my hair which I decorated with colorful little clips , in front of whole class . I felt ashamed and stopped decorating my hair , from simple ponytail everyday to slowly wearing tudung out of feeling uncomfortable about my hair . Adult me rarely wear female clothes , don't do make up , not fond of jewelries and accessories , feel uncomfortable to wear such things for a long time in public . I love my gender natural style but I'm aware that there is unpleasant root about it too .

What did my childhood me need the most ?

Emotional support .

What was I like as a child ?

It's hard to elaborate this , my mind starts throwing mess . I skip .

Is there a part of my childhood self I've lost touch with and want back ?

Skip .

What would I tell a younger version of yourself ?

Not now . Skip .

Which part of my childhood trigger me ? Why ?

7 to 11 years old - Bully , 15 to 17 years old - Relationship issue , 19 to 20 years old - Adjustmet disorder (undiagnosed) , 23 to 25 years old - Severe mental illness . Now , that's very TMI .

Pheww I knew this would be deep and challenging to my mind and heart , yet I picked it anyway . Dah tak kuat nak tulis long closing . Apapun , thank you for your time and visit ! I appreciate that you still noticed this blog . See ya again .

Your mistake stays in your past . But it stays in my  present .
Don't let your child repeats the same mistake , millenials . Please .

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Overshadowed Self Awareness

Bismillah. Assalamualaikum...

It's sad that school didn't make us learn about how to take care ourselves. How to love ourselves. It was always about people. How to make your elders proud. How to not make people giving you side eye. How to not waste teachers' efforts. We learned about communication. But solely for people and with people only. Some of us agreed that teachers won't be able to teach us everything. I agreed a part of this opinion. However, we spent 8 to 10 hours at school and very little time at home, minus our bed time. Yet at the end of day, all failures and mistakes became our responsibilities. Whatever the lacks we had, became our burden alone.

As we were growing up, we tended to solve everything alone. Thinking to ourselves all the time. Speaking to ourselves and mistook it as high self esteem. Practicing self teach and mistook it as credibility. Whatever the unmet needs we had, we worked to earn it alone. School educated as to how to connect with people. Put us into groups of 2 to 6 tables. The introverts struggled to socialize but somehow kind of succeeded anyway. The extroverts enjoyed the moment. The ambiverts had chance to be flexible. Yes, we didn't learn how to connect with ourselves. It was always about satisfying people's expectations. We became more and more aware of people's opinions and judgments until the chance to build self awareness and boundary was overshadowed completely.

By year 2011, we had to adjust ourselves with digital world. From socializing all the way to browsing knowledge. In between, we happened to get distracted with virtual fun. Bit by bit, our personal unmet needs were satisfied due to the huge social circle and unlimited knowledge. Now self taught became more interesting and deeper than it used to. We became least dependent and we felt good about it. Unknowingly, actually we were suppressing the overwhelming dissatisfaction to the point we happened to acquire wider knowledge about self awareness and well beings. Event that, by ourselves.

We were amazed about discovering more and more unexpected awareness from digital world. Some matters made us feel related and mutual. We started recognizing the overwhelming suppressed dissatisfactions. We recognized the flood and cracking tanks. We recognized failures and mistakes in ourselves which parts of those weren't completely our faults. We became more and more aware of what's going on with ourselves. The tendency to cope and survive by our own efforts became more intense, didn't matter the how, as long as we walked out alive. In the process, the up and down of our anxiety had us on roller coaster all the time. Sometimes the rail was fine to ride on, however the anxiety about what's ahead was irresistible.

Yes, we would be fine. It was just a roller coaster. It was just a game of life. Sometimes we enjoyed the flow and other times we almost threw up and gave up. We laughed, cried, and screamed with people who were on the seats but not really felt connected in any way. From least dependent to loneliness. Long time ago, we felt good about discovering self awareness. We felt encouraged to make it work. But now, the page had turned over. Long time ago, we stopped the flood the flood went nowhere because we might just patched the cracking tanks. The spills was still going on but in very unnoticeable drops. The increasing self awareness was taken as as massive mess.

We were helpless because we didn't know how to ask for help. We were alone because we had always been that way. This time, we took longer time to cope and survive the continuous anxiety. The adventures and challenges were never like previous ones. The unfamiliarity were distressing and in the worst case, we started feeling to run away from everything. The past, the present, and the future. We started romanticizing death as the greatest sacrificial and sign of love. The more efforts we put to survive this struggles, the tighter the strangle with felt. The flood was still there. But now we started drowning into it.

Oh the darkness underneath was relieving. Because we couldn't see anything. Everything that had occupied us inside and out all this time for a very very long period, was now completely gone. Although we had to hold our breath, somehow it was worthy. Remember? Didn't matter the how, as long as we made out alive. The contra of perception was extremely extra destroying. Now, alive meant dying quietly. We found relief in pain. Might it be just in mind and heart or inflicted physically. Pain just felt good.

Time passed as we barely recognized the sunrise and sunset while drowning deeper into darkness. Until suddenly, the unexpected occurrence happened. The reflex of our physical to breathe again, how the system was triggered and recognized that it wasn't time to die yet. We started swimming to the surface with our weak legs. Unfortunately, we were already too deep beneath the flood. We saw the glimpse of light but it was unreachable. We pondered about giving up while our lungs were flooded yet we were still trying to reach the light. The helplessness forced us to ask for help. But who could listened anyway?

No one knew we were drowning deep down here. No one knew our painful stories. No one knew the struggles and strangles we had to endure all this time. We never let anyone knew because that was how we used to survive. Because we weren't taught about taking care ourselves, but other people. We were excellent at self dependent. Now - how would we survived and escaped this very unknown and endless deep darkness?

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Blog Renamed

Bismillah. Assalamualaikum...

Hello, owlies ! Hello, february ! Tengah malam jugalah nak menaip kan. Well siang tadi dah terlelap. Memang lambat lagilah nak lelap jawabnya. Inshaallah post kali ni pun tak panjang mana. Ringkas ringkas saja. You know, just nak buat petanda tuan blog masih aktif, hidup bernyawa, cuma kerap menghilang sampai sebulan dua lamanya. Haa gituu haha.

Jadi tajuk post kali ni 'Blog Renamed'. Terang lagi jelas. Yaa Farahin dah renamed nama blog ya. Agaknya yall kenal lagi tak blog ni? Farahin cuma tukar nama je tau. Rupanya masih sama. Cuma siang tadi sempatlah tambah itu ini sikit sikit. Yaa ini blog yang sebelumnya titled 'Super Junior.ENT'. Farahin dah renamed kepada 'D I S T R I C T ' 1 5' ya.

Dulunya semangat kpop masih meraksasa. Since high school lagi. Sekarang dah makin jarang layan kpop. Group kpop yang gen-z pun mostly tak kenal. Era kpop Farahin terhenti dalam era rookie Stray Kids dan segolongannya, I guess. Jadi tiba dah kot masanya kite move on daripada 'Super Junior.ENT'. Tapi sentimental value masih ada ya. Ringkasannya, '15' stands for '15 members of Super Junior' dan 'District' tu simply says 'This is my little free zone/area'. Okey ke? Hehe

Tadi Farahin ada mentioned siang tadi ada tambah itu ini sikit kat blog kan? Ada nampak navbar kat atas tu? Moganya tak krik krik dah cbox Farahin. Farahin agak yall tak perasan icon cbox sebelum ni. So now Farahin replaced je semua icon dengan text. Dipersilakan sangat tinggalkan link blog ya. Kat Mister Linky pun jangan lupa.

Selain navbar, nampak tak widget kecik cumil kat hujung belah kiri blog? Sebelum ni pun memang dah ada. Baru juga. Tapi masa Farahin edit siang tadi I made mistake dah dua ketul tu menghilang. Ni baru letak semula. Sukalah Farahin nak share dari mana Farahin dapat dua widget ni. Yall boleh klik Online User dan Hit Counter. No worry. Benda free. Simply select and copy+paste code je.

Nak jadikan dua widget tu stay kat hujung blog atau web macam Farahin? Bolehhh. Meh Farahin open short tutorial. Tibeeee je kan. But why not. Benda mudah. Bawah ni code yang Farahin guna.

<!-- BEGIN: Powered by Supercounters.com -->

<div style="position:fixed;bottom:0;left:0;margin-left:10px;margin-bottom:6px;"><script type="text/javascript" src="//widget.supercounters.com/ssl/online_t.js"></script><script type="text/javascript">sc_online_t(1684675,"Online","170ddb");</script><br /><noscript><a href="https://www.supercounters.com/">supercounters.com</a></noscript><script type="text/javascript" src="https://freehitcounters.org/count/drk9"></script><br />

 <a href='https://www.easybooking.eu/'>Easybooking.eu</a> <script type='text/javascript' src='https://www.whomania.com/ctr?id=58a53c28284eace33751dee4983be359de47bea9'></script>

</div>

<!-- END: Powered by Supercounters.com -->

Remark :

Purple - Original code ada <center> dan </center>. Yall gantikan dengan code yang Farahin share.

Green - Code Online User. Copy paste je code online user bulat bulat.

Pink - Code Hit Counter. Sama. Copy paste code Hit Counter yang yall dah generate.

Follow and copy+paste je bulat bulat. Nak tahu Farahin biasa dapat tutorial dari mana? Berkat didikan lecturers masa study dulu, Farahin dah biasa bergurukan W3Schools. Sesiapa yang macam dah ada minat-minat kecik nak try alam programming atau nak study sains komputer someday, mungkin boleh godeh godeh web ni. Memang khas untuk programmer. Terutamanya beginner. Tapi rasanya expert pun guna kot. Learning is a process after all.

Tadi angannya nak tulis ringkas ringkas je. Sudahnya panjang berperenggan juga. Tahu je lah seketul blogger ELFarahin ni kan. Okeylah. Dah sedor diri tu, dah tentu sedor nak tutup post. Apapun, sekali lagi Farahin nak menjemput yall tinggalkan jejak di cbox dan mister linky. Feel free to navigate around okey. It's 'D I S T R I C T ' 1 5' yall. Until here then. Jumpa di lain post nanti. Night night

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Tahun Baru, Usia Baru

Bismillah. Assalamualaikum...

Hello, owlies! Apa khabar semuanya? Tengah malam ni hujan juga ke? Sini hujan baru je berhenti. Sejukkk memang syiok tidur. Tapi itulah tetap seketul Farahin masih menghadap laptop, menaip sembarangan saja haha. Dah tahun baru gais. Sorry late. Biasa dah kan. Also, Alhamdulillah tanggal 15 Januari kelmarin lanjut lagi setahun usia Farahin. Ha tekalah sendiri dah angka ke berapa. Hehe

Tahun Baru, Usia Baru. Alhamdulillah bermula awal November 2023 lepas sampai sekarang, Farahin masih tegar dengan dropship. Benda kecik je gais. Tapi awalnya gaya macam redah ribut sebab belum biasa dengan flow dropship. I mean, sebelum ni memang pernah join dropship juga tapi sistem dropship yang Farahin join sekarang berbeza. Maka kalutlah kite dalam dekat dua bulan gitu.

Ada yang tak tahu Farahin buat dropship apa? Farahin mula dengan dropship servis cetak gambar saiz poket @ lomocard. Sekali dengan servis ni, album gambar dan aksesori deco macam fancy clips dan lampu LED pun ada jual. Farahin memang tak habis minat dengan lomocard ni. Benda rupa minimal tapi kreatif dan ada nilai sentimental yang tersendiri.

Selepas dah join dropship photo printing service ni dan dah biasa dengan flow sistem, Farahin berkenan dengan dropship pakaian wanita pula. Awalnya Farahin open konsep Casual Outerwear. Tapi from time to time, Farahin beralih kepada Baju Kurung. Farahin masih adakan konsep Casual Outerwear, sambil itu juga Farahin lebihkan Baju Kurung.

Alhamdulillah. Dalam tempoh tiga bulan ni, mood dan minat nak promote item masih ada. Pasang surut semangat tu sudah tentu ada. Tapi yang pasti still ada rasa nak get up. Rasa ragu-ragu pun masih ada. Tapi pada masa yang sama, still nak teruskan. Nak buat sampai it becomes something to me. Bab berangan ni memang tak sah tak syiok kan. Haha

Okaylah. Ringkas-ringkas je sharing Farahin kali ni ya. Tangan ni gatal nak menulis. Tapi otak ni kalau tak kosong, dia mesti sarat dengan segala macam idea sampai nak sort out tu memang ambil masa agak lama. Jadi kite hentam taram je lah ya. Sebelum Farahin tutup habis, naklah kite jemput awak semua cuci mata dekat kedai online kite ya. (@lomophoto.my | @shopbyfarah.my | @shopbyfarahmy). Then, see ya in next post. Bye bye.

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Sempitnya Dunia Kita

 Bismillah. Assalamualaikum...

Morning, lovely peeps! I'm back again. Dah final week disember baru ada raso raso nak mengarang haha. Life has been a leisure. But doesn't mean tak ada pressure. Dunia sentiasa ada tekanannya. Ada yang datangnya dari luar. Ada juga berakar dalam diri sendiri. Apapun generally, it's a test. Passed or not, for me efforts and process are much matter. One step at one time. Sabar memang tak mudah. Sebab tu nilainya besar, malah lebih besar daripada yang kita tahu dan agak. I don't plan the intro. Tahu-tahu jadi macam ni haha. Jom straight masuk topik.

Sempitnya Dunia Kita. I was wondering, nak beri title omputih atau melayu? Masalah bilingual person haha. Sekalipun tak lah perform fasih, kebiasaan mengamalkan bahasa inggeris in my life memang mempengaruhi terutamanya dalam menulis. Because I'm a texting type of person and yes, 80% to 90% of my chats were usually in english. Bantai je lah walaupun grammar kelaut pun. Janji member faham bwahaha.

Dari mana inspirasi content blog kali ni? A few days ago, maybe last week, I don't quite remember, ada sharing muncul di feeds Instagram daripada seorang mental illness patient. Patient ni fighter tegar Depression With Psychosis, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I've been following her lama dah. Jadi sharing post dia yang lalu dekat feeds masa tu was pasal ada seorang messenger ni dm dia, questioning her act sharing things related to mental illness dan her personal expriences. Ringkasannya umpama begini, untuk apa kongsi? hadap seorang sudahlah. Tak payah nak cerita kat semua orang.

Waktu tu my mind was in good condition to view this kind content which sometimes can be triggering to other patients, jadi sempatlah Farahin scrolled through comments. I was happy and grateful sebab ramai yang support dia. Ramainya patients juga. Ayat elok-elok saja walaupun masing-masing emo. One of comments yang Farahin ingat was something like this, kami suka dengan apa yang ### kongsi. Kalau tak suka dengan apa yang ### boleh skip dan unfollow.

Daripada apa yang Farahin view, muncullah this one cliche point. Orang yang menghentam macam ni jelas sekali kurang sensitif dan tak pernah mengalamai mental illness. Boleh jadi dia sendiri tak sedar yang dia ada simptom-simptom tertentu atau in denial. Salah satunya sebab stigma yang kuat terhadap mental illness. Who knows. Fikiran orang memang kita takkan dapat agak, apakan lagi tahu.

Pernah dengar seseorang atau orang terapat meluahkan something macam, dunia ni kejam. Dunia tak ada baiknya bagi aku. Apa jawapan korang bila dengar pandangan ni? Apa pandangan pertama yang muncul di fikiran korang? I have this thought at back of my head dah lama, bila seseorang itu meluahkan sedemikian, ianya bukanlah tentang dunia keseluruhannya.

Ianya bukan tentang dunia keseluruhannya. Tapi dunia mereka. Hidup mereka. Pengalaman mereka. Payah, perih, dan sakit yang mereka tanggung dan tahan seorang. Dunia yang mereka tidak minta, apakan lagi mendoakan. Tapi tetap mereka laluinya dengan terpaksa dan sabar yang berbolak-balik, Tetap cuba ikhlas sedang dunia mereka berterusan menjerut jiwa. Dengan tangis yang mereka sorok, ditopengkan dengan tawa riang, dan ada yang terlihat kuat dengan marah yang tak jelas arahnya.

Dunia mereka dengan kita tak sama. Dunia Farahin pun tak sama dengan semua orang. Memang ada yang lebih kurang sama, tapi tidak sebiji sama semuanya. Farahin percaya dunia Farahin sempit. Maksudnya, Farahin takkan dapat lihat sepenuhnya dunia seseorang. Farahin takkan dapat faham semual hal yang seseorang itu alami. Buktinya, Farahin sendiri terdiam tak tahu nak reply apa dan macam mana bila ada kawan-kawan mengadu masalah dan meluahkan fikiran dan emosi yang mereka paksa telan dalam diri.

Sempitnya dunia kita. Sebab apa? Sebab kita makhluk yang dijadikan dengan had dan batas. Lebih banyak kita tahu, lebih menjelaskan bahawa lebih banyak yang kita tak tahu. Peringatan kepada diri sendiri, jangan angkuh dengan dunia sendiri. Jangan rasa kaulah yang paling faham tentang dunia seseorang. Pertamanya, bertanya. Ambil tahu jika tak tahu dan mahu tahu. Sekalipun justification tu dah ada dalam kepala dari awal, hold dulu. Bila ada ruang dan peluang yang sesuai, bolehlah kongsikan. Kalau tak ada atau tak jumpa, hold dulu.

Me too, kadang-kadang tak boleh hold pemikiran sendiri. Makanya, Farahin menulis. Social media is helpful for me. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, dan Blog. I might create these platforms sebab trend dan standard semasa awalnya. But growing up, changes happened, influences passed by, I happened building my own personal standard. To speak my mind properly. It's free and umum. Yang nak baca, silakan. Yang nak faham a part of myself, boleh saja. As I'm not a person yang mudah open up either. But when I did, you see here how looooooongggg I nag and brag bruhhh.

Back to the main, sempitnya dunia kita. It's a reminder. Bukan diri ni tak pernah ada kesedaran. Tapi sifat manusia itu mudah lupa dan perlukan peringatan. Bukan dengan mental illness patient saja perlu ada empati dan jaga bahasa. Tapi usahakan dan praktis untuk bina empati dan penggunaan bahasa yang baik dengan individu-individu yang lain juga. Seramai mungkin. Again, kita ni ada kemampuan yang terbatas. Mustahil kita dapat puaskan semua orang. Namun usahakan dan praktis juga untuk tak sengaja buat orang sakit hati dengan kita.

Okeylah. Panjang sangat dah ni gais. Setiap perenggan ada lima ke enam lines. I can guess betapa julingnya mata korang bila baca huhu. Apapun, I feel happy bila ada yang baca. I know korang mostly silent readers, just like tuan blog ni. Tahu-tahu mata Farahin bulat bila tengok number of views. Terima kasih sangat. Little thing are special. Alhamdulillah mudahnya Farahin rasa happy. Until here then. Jumpa next time, next post ya. Bye bye

Memang kita takkan mampu gembirakan semua orang.
Dan bukan juga hak kita untuk meragut
kegembiraan seseorang dengan sengaja. Jaga hati, jaga bahasa.

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Journaling Towards Self-love

 Bismillah. Assalamualaikum...

Hello, owlies. I'm here with again, with journal prompts. It's already 1.01AM as I start writing this. How was your Tuesday? My Tuesday was....normal. Neither too boring nor too fun. But it was fine. Got my e-madani today. Guess I must pick a day out later. Now, let's see if I could do this prompts too.

1 thing I need to let go

• Fear

2 pieces of advices to remind myself of

• I know you have too much things in your mind at once. Pick One! Focus on one thing at one time
• You are in a process. Be patient. You are making something.

3 of your greatest talents/abilities

• Creative mind and hands
• Fresh thoughts at night
• Ability to not engage with shaming talk

4 activities that make I feel good

• Watching video clip of pets or wild animals acting silly
• Listening to songs based on my mood
• Creating content for my online shop
• Shopping cute stickers and washi tapes

5 positive self-loving affirmations

• You can't see it. But you're moving somewhere
• Remember those moments Allah confirmed to you that you are loved
• Just like you make pretty drawing out of your imagination, you can make big thing
• ( Guess five are too many for now. )

6 people I love having in my life

• Ayah, Ana, Aznie, Raidah, Najwa, and my aunt ( kakak ayah )

7 things I can do to remove stress

• Move away from the trigger/source for awhile
• Do deep breathing method
• Do some silly little dance
• Refocus my attention
• Lying down, eyes shut, sleep
• Eat something sweet or cold ( now I want eksem! oof )
• Wash face and hands

8 simple things that bring me joy/inspiration

• Kind words and acts from strangers
• Morning wish text
• Fangirling with my online bestie
• ( I'm stuck. I'm sleepy alreaady. haha )

9 things, places, or people I grateful for

• Include 6 people I love having in my life
• My experience surviving mental illness
• Arwah Mak
• My room

10 things I love about myself

• She maybe hesitating to make action, but she knows what she wants
• I love her creative mind
• Of course, I love her creative hands too
• She breaks mental illness stigma from herself
• I am a friendship person
• ( idc. I nak tidur weh.)

Until here then. Tak sempatlah nak buat penutup panjang-panjang. See you in next post ya. Night night, owlies. 

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Depression As Colors

Bismillah. Assalamualaikum....

Depression As Colors. I stumbled on an ig reels a few days ago. The title was 'Depression Explained In Beautiful Way', if I don't remember it wrong. Also long time ago, maybe months ago, I had seen similar thing too. Highlight of the content was 'Telling depressed people to look at the bright side is like telling color blind people how beautiful the world is continuously'.

I let my sleepless mind replayed those reels in my blurry memory for awhile until I feel inspired to share my viewpoint, the way I saw my depression. My depression is a spectrum between black and white colors. A spectrum means there are hues, tones, saturations, and gradients. Black, white, and grey are just the most obvious ones.

Similar metaphor as color blind, but very different, living with my depression was like I had lost ability to see colors in life excepted the spectrum between black and white. My eyes didn't belong to me. My depression did. Everything I used to see, feel, sense, and appreciate in colors wasn't the same anymore. All I had was memories of colors.

The 'Just look at the bright side' wasn't same or even close to how other ordinary people did. The bright side was white. The brightest one was eyes blinding too. It hurt. Meanwhile, ordinary people can see many kinds of brightness from many colors and be overjoyed for it existence. I didn't have similar options as them.

Living with depression was a great torture from head to toe, flesh to bone. It was another side of world which you never visited. Everything looked same but didn't feel so. I felt strange, distant, disconnected, scare, abandoned, useless, weak, lonely, and dying from the intense unfamiliarity. I saw same colors everyday but to survive was likely impossible. I was alone in that world.

Depression is not a simple sadness. It is a mental illness. It is an effect of low level of serotonin produced which roots of causality are varies such as biological, lifestyle, long-term life experiences, fatal injuries, spiritual/religion practice, and etc.

Serotonin is a happy hormone. (In my own unprofessional understanding,) Hormone is connector between nerve to nerve in order to pass impulse. Impulse that is passed between nerves by serotonin is happy impulse. How do you think our mouth able to shape smile? How do our heartbeat rush out of us feeling excited? How do our eyes spill happy tears? Nerves system is actually mind blowing.

Some advices. Don't tell critically depressed people what to do. Rather than telling, do it with them. Include them in your world. Work on making them feel included. Yes, they act different and distant. So show up and proof that you accept the 'new' them. Occupy basic knowledge about depression and take note on their symptoms. There are actually a lot of things you can do rather than just telling.

I survived Major Depression Disorder. Alhamdulillah

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15 Self-Love Questions

Bismillah. Assalamualaikum....

Img Source : Pinterest

15 Self-Love Questions To Ask Yourself. This appeared so sudden huh? Hello, readers. How're you today? It's Sunday. And my place feels humid. Guess rain will fall soon. Just like yesterday, the day before it, almost everyday. Well, it's the season.

Okay. So what's with this 15 Self-Love Questions? I'm infected! Just a few  nights ago, I stumbled on two blog posts with similar content, the bloggers answered prompt questions. I found it interesting and here I would like to give similar thing a try.

Besides, remember I mentioned how bebal I am these days? Honestly, I don't think not going outside, meeting and connecting with people are the only cause. A part of myself is suffocating. I've pent up things. I think I need space to act vulnerable. To spill and spit some.

To spill and spit the unrecognizable messes, I need approach. To be approached. Of course, human is the best figure in this case. But not one knows how to approach me best. And I don't have best response often too. So I pick my own approach. I pick the questions myself. Hopefully, I can answer all of them.

1. Is my personality introverted or extroverted?

• I'm introvert by nature.

2. How would I describe myself to a total stranger?

• I speak less and think a lot. Sometimes, too much.

3. What makes me laugh the most?

• Video clips of pets or wild animals acting silly

4. Who is the most trustworthy person in my life?

• Each person in my life carries different value of trust. It's not about most or least. Just different. I cannot choose. However, I have my father and best bestie at top of the list.

5. What are my limiting beliefs?

• I don't quite understand this question. Is this referring to self-boundary kinda thing? If it is what I think, then my answer is, "Do what I can. Don't mind what I (impossible) can't."

6. What is my favorite feature of my face, and why?

• This question excites me. Eyebrows. They are soft angled arch shaped. Pretty.

7. How am I currently feeling?

• I didn't feel good before I start. I was nervous ad tensed when I started. And now, I feel a bit relax.

8. Am I spiritual?

• Yes, I am.

9. Do I have sense of balance in my life?

• This is my minus. If I'm a plant, then I'm lalang. If I'm an animal, then I'm ketam. My bad.

10. What can I do to increase my happiness?

• This question opens a wide ocean in my mind. I see too many at once. But "Be helpful" catch my quick attention first.

11. What are the 5 things I should stop doing?

• Wake up too late, sleep too late, delaying tasks, skip meals, and shut down my emotions.

12. What are my biggest fears? How to get past them?

• This question is too heavy. I pass. Sorry.

13. Whose company do I like most?

• Soulmates in friendship. Miss them.

14. What do I consider to be my life's purpose?

• This one too! Sobs

15. How can I better care for myself?

• Please sleep and wake up early, Farahin.

I mentioned I feel a bit relax. Now that I've finished answering all the questions (Yes I skipped a few hehe), I feel intense force in my chest area. I felt tensed earlier too. But this one is different. My breathing is shallow, short, and narrow.

Until here then. I don't want to make this post any longer. I'll come back ya. Maybe I'll do this prompt questions again. What do you think about this post? Tell me in the comment ya. See you in next post. Bye bye

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Bye Bye November

Bismillah. Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps. How're y'all doing? Esok dah jumaat. Excited for weekend? And yeah, esok dah tak jumpa November. Malam ni last. Awalnya rasa macam lambat tapi sekarang know know dah nak akhir tahun. Macam-macam hal jadi. Termasuklah hal-hal yang tak tersangka. Agak-agak mendewasakan ke? From my side, masih tak dapat nak agak ya atau tak. Macam tak. But I think I did learn things. Alhamdulillah

I don't want to overshare. But I still want to share that I've been away from meeting people for a very long time now. Somehow Farahin dah mula rasa macam bebal haha. My interpersonal and empathic skills are rusting. Funny and silly condition. Still, it's a concern for me. Homebody is real. And I've been always one. But now I think I've crossed into a destructive mode. Oh, please! Why I'm very lack of motivation to get out from house? This is unhealthy! Bruh

Berakhirnya November ni, genap jugalah sebulan since Farahin mula come back to dropship. Alhamdulillah. Masih belum jemu dan rasa eksaited nak create daily content. Walaupun ada masa bebal tu lebih sikit, still boleh thinking about promoting. Masih syok membuahkan idea dalam kepala sorang-sorang haha. Ada masa sampai tak boleh tidur. Mata je pejam. Tapi otaknya tak diam. Lalu beta mengalah dan berangan sampai terlelap. Hahahaha

Bebal punya pasal, Farahin banyak menung ya while writing this post. Esok dah bulan baru. Please, Farahin. You need to move and get out. Matahari pun dah tak ingat muka Farahin agaknya. Last Farahin redah crowd mungkin about two weeks ago. Itu pun sekali after weeks juga. Something is just not right with me. I have started overthinking about myself too. Now that menambahkan lagi bebal yang dah ada. Huhu

Until here then. Turns out it's just a plain sharing huh. That's just how bebal I am now. Before letak last fullstop, naklah juga ajak y'all support dropship Farahin. You can find my shop on insta ya [@lomophoto.my] [@shopbyfarah.my]. For those yang tak active insta, boleh join katalog kat telegram [Shop By Farah]. Jemput jemputlah scroll malas-malas. Okeylah. See y'all in next post ya. Bye bye

Gratitude grows resilient heart.

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Trained Brain

Bismillah. Assalamualaikum...

Hello, readers! It's me again. Tonight I would like to share with some of my deep thoughts and this one is related to brain. Actually, I had shared a small piece of this thought on my socmed. But I thought to make it longer. Well, what a blog without long writing. Even so, I hope this one won't be too long.

Have you ever tried memorizing text or phrases or sentences, anything similar? I know. The question is silly. Of course, everyone does memorizing and not just words. How did we do memorizing? Yes, we repeated certain input in our mind. Now I'm reminded to gold old days. It was insane that I had passed many papers during school, shoved chapters of hundred pages into my little brain. bruh

Had this thought, I came to realize that our brain can be trained. I remember a moment back to my degree days, my roommate had a practical test for bacaan dalam solat. She told me that her lecturer corrected her bacaan tahiyat akhir. Turned out she had memorized and practiced it wrong since when, even she couldn't remember. Her brain had been trained to memorize incorrect input but the brain didn't know the fact that the input was incorrect. Hence, it validated the input as true and she believed her practice.

Our brain can be trained. However, it lacks to differentiate the actual true and false input. Unless, unlearning former input and learning new input happens. The lecturer corrected bacaan tahiyat akhir my roommate is a process of unlearning former input and learning new input. By receiving and repeating new input, brain will validate it as true and this reflects as belief to the person. My roommate finally read tahiyat akhir correctly.

Now, I'll get you to a darker side. Just a little bit. Insecurity is common for human because we have desire to feel safe. But how about insecurity that feeds on self trust and love? Why does she hate herself? Why does he look down on himself? Why do I struggle to appreciate myself? To find answers to these questions, it should be asked in different way. Instead of "why", it should begins with "what". What makes us believe what we believe? What input that has been repeated to our brain? Yes. I have the answers to myself. Your turn.

As a person with childhood trauma, experiencing same intense stress and tension for years, was told with the same thing over and over again, I came to understand why I am the way I am today. The way I listen, look, and speak to myself. The way I think and feel. Of course, other life experiences that came in my way growing up also affected and built my personality. When this matter came to my realization, I knew I must continue training my brain to unlearn former false inputs and learn better inputs. Filling the unmet needs of my inner child.

Unlearning is a great deal for me. Unlearning inputs as old as half of my age is not a one night job. Unlearning is a continuous process. It spends on time, space, and energy. It is mind and nerves challenging. It tries patience to the point of causing distress every time. Yet, treating wounds is never painless. That's just how it is. I must train my brain the way I deserve. Together with heart, it keeps me alive. I should save some gratitude for it.

Bruhh it's a long post! haha

Watch your words. You don't know how long it will stay in someone's mind.

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Psychiatry Medication

Bismillah. Assalamualaikum...

Hello, readers! Alhamdulillah I'm back here again. I wrote this post last night but I failed to post it because my laptop started lagging. It begins here ; I've been sitting in front of my laptop too long now, fidgeting and figuring out what should I write. I just want to write something but I don't have specific topic in my mind. Hmm when was my last time sharing about my mental illness thing? Yeah, I don't remember. I bet you may not too. So I think I'll give the mentioned title above a try.

Diagnosed with mental illness since 2019 and now I'm already in my fourth years as a patient, I had been treated with kinds of medicine which were changed after certain period following changes in pattern and severity of my symptoms and condition. Diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder (MDD) in 2019, I had been treated with antidepressants such as sertraline, venlafaxine, and agomelatine. In the following year, my diagnosis changed into Bipolar Mood Disorder 2 (BMD2) until now, treated with mood stabilizer named lamotrigine.

Sertraline was my first antidepressants. After attending many appointments with doctor every two weeks and updating them with my condition, she changed the prescription into venlafaxine. This is because sertraline did its work too slow. My symptoms neither got any less severe nor my condition was improving. Unfortunately, venlafaxine did worst. For a whole month, I had continuous headache, fatigue, and diarrhea. Of course, my symptoms remained severe. I asked doctor to change my medicine and I started consuming agomelatine. Finally, good changes happened. I started experiencing a period of feeling "okay and living". However, the period was short which was between 3 to 7 days only. Meanwhile, the depression symptoms were still severe and its period was longer.

Moved to 2020, I was diagnosed BMD2. This was because I had experienced hypomania many times. Hypomania is that period of feeling "okay and living". Doctor said it was common for MDD patient who was treated with agomelatine (and showed improvement) would had their diagnosis changed into BMD2. With mentioned diagnosis, I started consuming lamotrigine. The optimum dose is 200mg. I begun with 25mg. The dose was added from time to time following improvement in my condition. Now, I consume 200mg lamotrigine, 4 pills every night. Compares to my MDD year, I'm 90% okay. Depression bothers me least. But anxiety is still a great deal.

What a journey. What a process. Who knew I would encounter mental illness in my mid 20's. Who knew I would had to fight with the urge to end my life everyday. Who knew I would discovered knowledge related to mental health and illness issue and self taught myself over years. What a different kind of survival. I thought I won't make it out. I felt it intensely every time I tried to give my all to survive. It might seems I did everything alone. But now I'm very sure I'm not. I believe there are quiet prays from kind hearts and blessings from Allah SWT. I can feel it. Alhamdulillah.

When Allah said "I test only those I love", I took the pain like it was an honor. - Abu Hurayrah

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